Banquet of Consequences Too

Ahem...er, OK.

2012-01-27T17:16:00.000-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

This is verbatim from Boingboing.net.

I am going to use restraint and not comment with the obvious. It is my policy to never state the obvious. My Golden Rule of how to conduct my blogging self. Nope...not going to do it. Now if some of you want to point out that this device coooooould possibly serve as a training apparatus for activities which have nothing to do with aging...well, go right aHEAD.

Anti-aging mouthpiece

By Mark Frauenfelder at 12:01 pm Friday, Jan 27

"This easy-to-use beauty and skincare product was developed by an ordinary housewife. Chikako Hirama was simply concerned about her own age and wanted an easy way to combat those telltale lines. Just try the yellow or pink Pupeko daily using such techniques as puffing out your cheeks or sucking them in while breathing through the mouthpiece. Then you can try it while keeping your head upright to give your neck and other muscles further exercise training."

Google...get a fucking life!

2012-01-26T19:23:00.002-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Dear Google user,

We're getting rid of over 60 different privacy policies across Google and replacing them with one that's a lot shorter and easier to read. Our new policy covers multiple products and features, reflecting our desire to create one beautifully simple and intuitive experience across Google.

I could care less about YOUR desire. Nor do I give a shit about simple and intuitive experience on Google. Basically, I find you invasive, and irritating. In particular, I find your snooping of my private emails and suggestions of commercial products, based on those PRIVATE emails and my website visits, invasive and outrageous.Not to mention your apparent goal of dominating the internet. GET FUCKED!

We believe this stuff matters, so please take a few minutes to read our updated Privacy Policy and Terms of Service at http://www.google.com/policies. These changes will take effect on March 1, 2012.

You believe it matters?????? You poor pathetic fucks. JESUS!

No...this does NOT MATTER! People out of work and losing their homes and not able to feed their children and ASSWIPE corporations (such as yours) which have our elected politicians sucking their crotches and controlling every aspect of our miserable lives MATTER, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Am I the only one on the planet that is offended by this giant, piss ant corporation which is gobbling up the goddamn planet?

Seriously.

GOOGLE, DEVOURING...US!

Pandering...at it's finest...or not.

2012-01-25T17:42:00.003-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Colbert for President!

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

State of the Union (advance Republican content)

2012-01-22T17:15:00.000-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

The President's State of the Union Speech is scheduled for Tuesday night next.

Meanwhile, I caught this on Boingboing.net.

I thought it was apropos...or germane...or relevant...or whatever the fuck YOU want it to be.

Snake wins in South Carolina

2012-01-21T20:39:00.000-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

But then, who gives a rat's turd?

"Oh, and I want to thank all you little ol' ladies from Pasadena who only drive their cars on Sundays (maybe we could have a drink together sometime" ;-0)

My apology to Tricky Dicky...you were slick, but ever slimy.

Etta James

2012-01-20T18:21:00.000-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

An American musical icon passed away yesterday. One of my favorite Blues Singers...Etta James. I posted this song by her about a year ago. It's a ring tone on my cell phone...my wife's. On occasion, if I am in a store and my wife calls, I get lots of stares. Maybe because most people don't associate this type of song as "guy like". Fuck 'em.

This is probably Etta's best known song and it is a beauty. It's one of those snuggle up, belly contact, dreamy, "my god I am in love" songs...with or without a little merlot. It is definitely in the category of "It Had To Be You", another killer for every romantic ever born.

Thank you Etta.This glass is for you, baby!

Speaks for itself...period.

2012-01-11T18:31:00.000-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

I stole this from my favorite "getting" place, YellowDog Granny.

I felt it needed a post all by itself. No comment on my part needed.

My dinner with Barack

2011-12-29T18:15:00.001-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

You read it right...my wife and I have been invited to have dinner with Barack and Michelle...and four other guests. All we have to do is donate $5 USD to his re-election campaign. Well OK, a minor point...the fiver gets our names thrown in the pot for a drawing, the winner of which will have dinner with the two of them...plus four.

I need to point out that none...NONE...of the piss ant Repug wannabes would do this for five smackers. The pool would most likely be taken from 20 grand, or more, donors. That friends, is the difference between the party of the big fat elephant and the party of FDR. Warms the cockles of my cockle, I want to tell you.

Below is the seating chart and the invitation for the event (I'm assuming that it is to be an event...and it damn well better be at the white house, and not my house):

You may have noticed that four of the guests at that table are unknown. This concerns me. Maybe they are Secret Service...so seated to protect the POTUS...just in case their background check on us was flawed...somewhat like the vetting of Sarah whatsher buns.

I will say for the record that I have no guns, nor do I know how to make a bomb, so listen up SS. However, it is my duty to confess to occasions of extreme flatulence, but nothing has been destroyed by that talent...as of yet. Not to mention that it would make a lousy bargaining chip...not being controllable and all.

Anyway, I can think of plenty to talk about with the prez, but I am at a loss as to what to talk about with the Secret Service Agents. I suppose we could talk about guns...or counterfeit money...or the most interesting threats ever received by a president.

No doubt political discussion is off limits. Although it does cross my mind that the agents could be registered Republicans. In which case, bring it on MOFOs....har har har.

I am not naive in thinking that this is anything more than a publicity device. However, just in case, I will make a few notes on the palms of my hands, and the back of my tie (if I decide to buy one...I don't currently own one...in fact, the last tie I owned was approximately the width of my now Buddha belly...that should tell you how long it's been since a tie was in my closet).

All in all, this is a pretty slick idea...from his point of view. From my point of view, I would just as soon that my name be thrown in a pot to win a free ipad2...to be presented by the president, of course. I gotta tell you I test drove one the other day, and the ipad2 is as smooth as he is. If it was running, I'd vote for it.

Greetings Earth Creature Readers of B of C

2011-12-24T13:56:00.001-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

My lazy ass gets even lazier this time of the year. So, a cope out post in which I present a couple of stolen graphics. The first from YellowDog Granny.

The second, well, from somewhere that my addled old fart of a brain did not mentally note. So if I got it from your blog, tell me about my ass and let's move on.

Here, one and all...oh, and Happy Merry whatever it's supposed to be these days:

ADDENDUM (added at 5:22 pm, cst)

Pope Benedict XVI Saturday hailed Christ's humility...

"Let us ask the Lord to help us see through the superficial glitter of this season, and to discover behind it the child in the stable in Bethlehem, so as to find true joy and true light"

Ahem...speaking of superficial glitter:

Censored

2011-12-13T18:13:00.000-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

A bad idea...coming your way from the Congress of the United States.

I've censored the following, in protest of a bill that gives any corporation and the US government the power to censor the internet--a bill that could pass THIS WEEK. To see the uncensored text, and to stop internet censorship, visit: http://americancensorship.org/posts/8212/uncensor

We the ██████ of the ██████ ██████, in █████ to ████ a ████ ███████ █████, █████████ ███████, ██████ ████████ ███████████, ███████ for the ██████ ███████,[████ 1] ███████ the ███████ ███████, and ██████ the █████████ of ███████ to █████████ and our █████████, do ██████ and █████████ ████ ████████████ for the ██████ ██████ of ███████.

“When ideas are blocked, information deleted, conversations stifled and people constrained in their choices, the Internet is diminished for all of us.. There isn’t an economic Internet and a social Internet and a political Internet. There’s just the Internet.”
- Hillary Clinton (United States Secretary of State)

“A $200K Mortgage for $2 a Month”

2011-12-09T18:21:00.001-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

My recent communication with my man, Alan Grayson:

Dear JJ,

You saw that title, “A $200K Mortgage for $2 a Month,” and maybe you thought, “that looks like spam.”

No. It’s real.

And then maybe you thought, “a $200,000 mortgage? For only $2 each month? That sounds impossible.”

Well, it is possible. It’s just not possible for you.

For Bank of America, yes. For Citigroup, yes. For Wells Fargo, yes.

For you, no.

The GAO’s main report on its audit of the Federal Reserve exposed who received the trillions and trillions of dollars in Fed bailouts. But the GAO report wasn’t very specific about the terms of those bailouts. For that, we have the Freedom of Information Act records obtained by Bloomberg News, which Bloomberg wrote about last week. Among other things, Bloomberg reported that the Fed lent out this cash to Wall Street at rates “as low as 0.01 percent.”

To such worthy recipients as Bear Stearns, AIG, the Royal Bank of Scotland, etc., etc.

Well, it could have been worse. The Fed could have just dumped the money into a wood chipper.

If you do that math, you’ll see that when the Fed gave Citigroup the money for a $200,000 mortgage, at 0.01 percent, Citigroup had to pay less than $2 each month for that money.

Citigroup then lent that money to you – if it deigned to lend you anything – for maybe $1,000 a month, maybe more.

And that $40,000 credit card balance? Citigroup paid the Fed less than a dollar a month for that money. And you paid $1,000.

Citigroup pays $1. You pay $1,000. You see how that works?

Citigroup fell into such a deep hole that it had to borrow a “term-adjusted” $58,000,000,000 from the Fed, according to Page 132 of the GAO’s audit report.

And what would you get from the Fed, if you fell into a deep hole? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zip. Diddly-squat. Zero.

You wouldn’t get jack.

If you lose your home, you can sleep in your car. If you lose your car, you can sleep under a bridge. Unless, of course, you’re a Wall Street banker.

Two hundred and thirteen years ago, there was a Member of Congress who said: “Millions for defense, but not one penny for tribute.” Now we have a government that says: “Trillions for Wall Street, but not one penny for you.”

That’s our government. Unless we change it.

Courage,

Alan Grayson

Somebody needs to go to jail...no, a whole lot of somebodies need to go to jail. Not going to happen, you say? Can you spell T A R and F E A T H E R?

How your government works

2011-12-07T13:28:00.000-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

I copped this by Bluegal aka Fran, over at crooksandliars.com.

Pretty much my opinion of the whole Goddamned mess.

A Man Made Monster...or Not?

2011-11-25T15:43:00.000-06:00

An excerpt from a USNews & World Report entitled, "How Americans are Rethinking Prosperity":

"People are focusing more on life satisfaction than satisfaction by consumption," says Ethan Willis, co-author of Prosper: Create the Life You Really Want and co-founder of Prospect Inc., a one-to-one distance learning company that focuses on topics like real estate, entrepreneurship, and personal development. "One of the big shifts is that people are questioning, 'Is the time that I'm spending bringing me greater satisfaction in my life versus something that is just on autopilot?' "

An excerpt of a Yahoo article next to the one above, entitled, "Earlier deals, longer hours woo Friday Shoppers":

"Early signs point to bigger crowds at the nation's malls and stores as retailers like Target and Macy's opened their doors at midnight on the most anticipated shopping day of the year and a few others opened on Thanksgiving Day. Shoppers were mostly peaceful across the country, but a few violent incidents broke out as millions of shoppers rushed into stores and tensions flared.

For three days starting on Black Friday, 152 million people are expected to shop, up about 10 percent from last year, according to the National Retail Federation."

Population of the U.S.: 308,745,538 (in case you're wondering...vs that shopping figure above).

A Thanksgiving Message

2011-11-23T15:18:00.001-06:00

"You act as if pepper spray is a bad thing. It is after all, a food byproduct. That is, the active ingredient in pepper spray is capsaicin, which is a chemical derived from the fruit of plants in the Capsicum genus, including Chilies and Cayenne Peppers." - Thomas Turkey

Long-term effects of pepper spray have not been effectively researched.

The American Civil Liberties Union claims to have documented fourteen fatalities from the use of pepper spray. I believe them.

I am giving thanks to all who are occupying for me...and you...have an outstanding Thanksgiving, one and all! JJ.

Their vote counts as much as yours and mine

2011-11-18T17:50:00.001-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Sooooooo, with some people, just saying you're conservative gets you a free get out of jail card...and a possible residency in the White House, eh? Oh, and it also helps if you LOOK conservative. GOTT IM HIMMEL, we are doomed! Doomed I tell you.

It appears that it's not only dumb and dumber drinking the Kool-Aid and voting, but give-a-shit and so-what are participating as well.

I found this on CrooksAndLiars.com

See Herman Run

2011-11-14T18:08:00.001-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Run Herman, Run.

Herman Cain announced that in a private conversation (aka, prayer) God (the big Kahuna) told him unequivocally to run for the Presidency of the Ewenity Stakes. Which goes to show that even the big guy/gal/it can fuck up, methinks. I mean didn't he/she/it learn a lesson with that other God talker, er, what's his name. Hell, I forget...there are so many of them.

Incidentally, I stole the cartoon and the idea from The Planet of the Chimps.

An all time low

2011-11-09T18:25:00.000-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

has now been reached by this blog poster...moi. But hey, sometimes you just have to wallow, you know?

The old standby, patrons of WalMart:

"Dude, can you tell me where the TP aisle is?"


Your worse nightmare the morning after!

Look closely...it's a guy...no really...it is.


You can't eat just one.

Why? Just tell me WHY?

Nice Heels.

Er, ah, hmmmm, well, ah, ARRRRRRRRRGH!

I think I'm going to puke! In the meat department, no less!

Aye, Lassie, they're ye, for shure!

This leaves me speechless...just fucking speechless.

The orbs of life..not to mention, pleasure. Depending on how long you've been on that deserted island...or in stir.

Evil has a face...

2011-10-29T14:38:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

and it is furry.

Scrap the Cap...or we're movin' in, kids

2011-10-23T13:20:00.002-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Lifted from crooksandliars.com...verbatim.

It's too good to pass up. Lyrics below the video...just in case you old geezers can't hear it.

Anyone who supports "Scrapping the Cap," can take action on the web site related to the video.

The lyrics of the song:

The real old school in the house
Give it up for the geezers
Had our golden years all planned out
Small pension, golf cart and a Florida house
But congress put a hit on Social Security
Mugged us of our dignity despite our maturity
Tax we paid with every check we earned
Time to collect we the ones gettin burned
There’s nothing we can do if we can’t get paid
‘cept eat cat food, and drink haterade
Listen up cuz while we drop some knowledge
We raised our little boy, put him through college
Only safety net is our next of kin
Look out son, cause we’re movin in (what!?)
We’re movin in (what!?)
We’re movin in (what!?)
Pull out the couch cause we’re movin in (what!?)
No arguin (what!?)
No arguin (what!?)
Pull out the couch cause we’re movin in
Name’s Spinal Twist, check my orthopedic kicks
‘cause I stoop farther south than the St. Lunatics.
I’m still getting play and it’s all thanks to Pfizer,
Keepin me stiffer than my Yankees cap visor
My station wagon windows are dark with tint
I subscribe to vibe and I get the large print
They call me Martini got substance abuse
‘cause I’m always playin gin and sippin on juice
Our son wants to know if we can pay the rent,
But without benefits we ain’t got 50 cent,
We don’t pack a nine, we’re just strapped for funds
But we’re still game killers for our bachelor son
[interlude]
Social Security payments are far from erratic
“it’s broke and failin” don’t believe that static
This crisis is a fiction there would be no debate
If we all pitched in at the same tax rate
There’s a cap on how much millionaires pay
Even though we all work like every single day
These are the facts but they’re provin’ thin
So pull out the couch ‘cause we’re movin in
We’re movin in (what!?)
We’re movin in (what!?)
Pull out the couch cause we’re movin in (what!?)
No arguin (what!?)
No arguin (what!?)
Pull out the couch ‘cause we’re movin in
Alright now younginz, you’re our last resort
‘cause sooner or later, we’ll be needin support
If you don’t want roommates just learn this rap
It’s only one line, shout SCRAP THE CAP
Scrap the cap
Scrap the cap
Throw your hands up
Just scrap the cap
Scrap the cap
Scrap the cap
Throw your hands up
Just scrap the cap

Would she pass this test?

2011-10-21T19:35:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Robbed this from boingboing.net:

Can your wife bake her own bread? Can she get a kid's leg stitched and not phone you at the office until it's all over? Find something to talk about when the TV set goes on the blink? Does she worry about the Bomb? Make your neighbors' children wish that she were their mother? Will she say "Yes" to a camping trip after 50 straight weeks of cooking? Let your daughter keep a pet snake in the back yard? Invite 13 people to dinner even though she only has service for 12? Name a cat "Rover"? Live another year without furniture and take a trip to Europe instead? Let you give up your job with a smile? And mean it?

Trolls

2011-10-18T20:46:00.001-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

I got this from Boing Boing... wince they got it was, SNL.

Find your favorite troll. Mine is the last one, whom I have been running into for a couple of years now. Wait...favorite is the wrong word, in my case...most annoying, uninformed and repetitive is more accurate (OK, sorry about the pesky ad...endure):

The Peanut Gallery...aka

2011-10-16T17:10:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

The FOX News Network: If it rings of the truth...ridicule it...with the resident monkeys.

ASSWIPES!

Bloomberg backs down!

2011-10-14T09:05:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

YEAH!

Time for a little high-classyness...methinks.

2011-10-04T19:03:00.003-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

A little music by P.D.Q. Bach, my favorite of all the Bachs. I have it on good authority that he is one of the favorites of our president, Baroque Obama, as well.

If you are not familiar with P.D.Q., you might want to dig a little deeper with the Google thingy.

Music a teabagger will never understand.

Sorry for the bad video quality, but hey, it was from the 1960's, you know? Enjoy:

A moment of truth

2011-09-25T18:53:00.002-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

My oldest daughter's high school is in a residential neighborhood. I was parked and waiting for her to get out of school on Friday, when I noticed an older man in a yard of a corner house about a quarter block from my parking place. He had a dog on a leash and the dog was doing that circle thing they do, before they do do. I am not sure why they (dogs) do that round about thing, which usually involves about six or seven complete circles. I suppose it just has to be the exact right spot, which the dog finds with his sniffer.

The man was pulling hard on the dog, but the dog was persistent, and finally squatted. I happen to know that is is not the person who lives in this house...not this guy's yard, that is.

We have a law here that requires dog owners to carry a plastic bag and clean up their dogs poo poo. Sure enough, the guy pulled out a plastic bag. The dog sat contentedly. I looked away for a minute or so, and then back and damn, he was on his knees with the bag. The man was TRYING to do the right thing...clean up his dog's shit from a stranger's yard.

Then I noticed that the dog had not only a leash, but one of those handle things on it's back. The dog was a seeing eye dog! The guy was blind and on his knees groping and trying to find the dog shit!

I thought to myself, JJ, you need to go over there and help the guy...SHEEEEEEEIT...THAT DAMNED CONSCIENCE OF MINE! Maybe the guy had on plastic gloves as well, and wasn't really getting dog shit on his hands. Or maybe the guy had a nose as sensitive as his dog's...I mean, after all, he is blind and the other senses become better honed to compensate for the lack of sight. I mean...he doesn't need me. Seriously.

This was one of those liberal, help your fellow man philosophy moments. Shit or git, as it were. Put up or shut up, JJ.

Fortunately for ol JJ, the guy stood and tied a knot in the bag...grabbed the handle on the dog's back thing, and the dog led him away.

Jesus, if I believed in you I would thank you beJesus, because nothing smells worse than fresh dog dooky...unless it's cat dooky. I had a dog once that liked to eat cat dooky...but that's another tail HARHARHARHARHARHAR!

ADDENDUM: AN IDEA WHOSE TIME HAS COME:

Try putting that contraption on your pit bull, boys and girls!

This post...

2011-09-24T16:54:00.001-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

is only good as long as the following live stream of "Occupy Wall Street" lasts. BTW, thus far, 80 arrested and reports of mace being used:

Watch live streaming video from globalrevolution at livestream.com

It's Alive...

2011-09-15T18:16:00.001-05:00

This post has nothing to do with anything except my brain and it's wanderings. I sent an email to a friend whom I haven't heard from in a week or two. I asked if he was dead or alive. Of course my wandering brain lead me to the following favorite movie line of mine...and more.

These are but a few of my favorites (I could have gone on and on and on).

What some of your favorite movie (or TV) lines?

A Cheap Shot

2011-09-13T12:26:00.001-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Because I can.

The "Texas ize douche bag" was not coined by me. Someone used that very accurate phrase on a blog I read in the last day or two. Unfortunately, I can't give credit where it is due because my brain sfartiness is in full operation today. It did give me the idea for the juxtaposition (not the fart...the phrase).

BTW, I do know that douche and bag are separate words...more brainfartiness (sic).

Why me?

2011-09-09T19:26:00.001-05:00

This is one of those rare personal posts of mine. Sometimes one needs to...share. Sometimes, ether friends are all one has, or not. Pitiful you say. I agree.

FUCK!
OK, got that out of the way because I am going to try to keep this from being a raging, screaming, mother of all mother rants.

CHAPTER ONE/UNO

Two weeks ago...that is TWO weeks ago, my wife's mother's cell phone went south (why is it that when something goes bad it goes south? Why not, Northeast?).

Why do we care about the defunct phone? Because we pay for her cell phone...it's on our Verizon account, that's why.

My wife calls her square turd $95,000 per annum single professor brother for help in getting her a new phone and he tells us he can't spring for it. It seems his stocks are all tied up at the moment (In case you are wondering, he lives in Arizona and votes...yep...the big R...just sayin'). That was his stocks...not his socks. He didn't mention his panties which are usually all tied up in a wad, as well. I am sure there is a connection of some sort there.

Well the woman is crippled with MS and Addisons Disease and needs a phone. She has no land line, just the cell. Even though we are really not able to absorb this, we have to help her. We'll cut back on our electric bill and double up next month.

With the finances of it figured out, we go to one of my favorite corporations...Verizon and get her a new, basic, unimproved phone, which is ok because we don't want to overload her electronic repertoire any way. There is a $50 rebate which we can apply to the bill, but even at that, we still owe $75. Tough shit, but we do the right thing. Besides, we don't like our children spending the night over there with no phone available.

CHAPTER TWO/ZWEI

Our youngest daughter usually goes to my MIL's on Friday after school and spends the night. We call before we take her over. Today we could not get an answer, which worried me a bit. We drove over anyway. My oldest daughter helped the young one get her toys, clothes and shit to the door. Meanwhile my wife called me to tell me she is on the way home, and oh, by the way, the YMCA which is where we are having the little one's birthday party tomorrow (pool party) has lost our $75 check. LOST....FUCKING LOST? We need to write another check. My ass. I know how that shit goes...we write a new check, the old one shows up...and now the YMCA has $150 of our money and it is a muther to get straightened out. Did I mention that the party is tomorrow??????? With all of her invited friends showing up in bathing suits and anticipating water fun and cake?

I know about this lost check shit because that exact scenario occurred last month with the Lincoln Electric Company. They lost our check. We wrote a new one (and I might add, they implied that we lied about writing the first check...majorly pissed me off). Next day the old one showed up on our bank account...right under the new one...both deducted. Being an average American couple with children, we pretty much go from check to check and a prayer (even though we don't believe in unseen spirits and talking snakes). We can't absorb this sort of fuck up...not for long, at any rate.

As I am talking to my wife about the YMCfuckeruppers, My oldest daughter comes to the car and is ranting something about granma's phone. I tell my wife to hold on. The older daughter tells me, the reason we can't get the MIL on the phone is that....THAT....MUTTTERFUCKING, THAT...MIL had her phone in her pants pocket and decided to hand wash the pants in the sink. That's correct...she did not..............GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...............take the phone out of the pocket. I tell the older daughter to run tell her Gmother to DO NOT...DO NOT...TURN THE PHONE ON!

Yep...too late...too late...too late. See, the problem with a wet phone is, water conducts electricity and well, batteries are...um...electric...and...they short out in the presence of...WATER. H2oh, which tends to fry things like...eggs...bacon...steaks...PHONES.

I am getting ill just relating this to you.

Do not any of you try to call me this weekend. My MIL has MY phone, and I am sure you DO NOT want to talk to her...as do I...not.

Posted by Job, Friday, September the un-thirteenth, 2011

Man bites dog...er, wait...

2011-09-02T21:41:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

"When a dog bites a man, that is not news, because it happens so often. But if a man bites a dog, that is news."

From an AP News article:

SACRAMENTO, California (AP) — A snake bite left the victim seriously hurt, but the injured party isn't whom you'd expect.

Police say a python underwent emergency surgery after a man allegedly bit the creature twice.

Officers were called to Del Paso Heights around 6:30 p.m. Thursday after a passer-by reported that a man was lying on the ground and may have been assaulted, according to Sgt. Andrew Pettit. When they arrived, they found David Senk, 54, still lying there — but police say he wasn't the one who was assaulted.

Another man approached officers and accused Senk of taking two bites out of his 3-foot (one-meter) pet python, Pettit said.

My luck would be this.

Senk was arrested on suspicion of unlawfully maiming or mutilating a reptile and booked on $10,000 bail.

In a jailhouse interview with KXTL-TV on Friday, Senk said he had no memory of the incident and that he has a drinking problem

"I did what?" Senk said. "If you find the owner, tell him I'm real sorry. ... I'm willing to help pay for medical expenses."

The snake was turned over to the city's Animal Care Services, where it was recovering Friday after losing several ribs. The female python, about a couple years old, had extensive bite injuries, said Gina Knepp, acting animal care services manager. "You could see the poor snake's liver, all the way down the side," Knepp said.

The snake's owner has not yet come forward to claim the pet or file a report with animal care officials, Knepp said.

Here's the thing...I will admit I am no virgin to over consumption of mind altering substances which make one, well...act like an ass...not to mention...throw out all semblance of common fucking sense. But, I will say...not once, under the influence of the devil juice, or smoke have I ever thought it was a good idea to bite a snake. Especially one that far out weighs moi. Just sayin'.

A drinking problem indeed.

Jobs Program

2011-09-01T17:45:00.001-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

An excerpt from a recent email of Alan Grayson:

"Here’s some simple arithmetic. We’ve budgeted $159.3 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan this year, through next month. (The true cost is much more, but let’s leave that aside.)

That’s: $159,300,000,000.00.

You could take all that money and create 5,310,000 jobs here in America paying $30,000 a year, rebuilding our bridges, our roads, our schools, instead of the ones in Iraq and Afghanistan. That would immediately lower the unemployment rate from 9 percent to 5.5 percent, and get money flowing in our communities again.

Now, that’s a job program."

I am beginning to think that Alan Grayson is the last man in the country with any common sense...besides moi...and my readers, of course ;-)

S.T.O.A.

2011-08-28T18:40:00.001-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

From my youth, a duo billed as "Bob & Ray". A brilliant pair of comedians all but forgotten, except by the older farts union. I posted this particular routine a few years ago when I first started my blog. A friend and I were talking about these two recently and it occurred to me that if our current batch of so-called representatives would adopt this method of communication, things might just get better. For sure, nothing could get worse.

For some reason I can't find the one I posted from Youtube back then, and this is the only video I could find. I have to link you to it...there is no embed code associated with it. Also, the sound is very low, I had to jack everything up to 100%. It is worth the effort, though.

JUTTA'S SITE...http://utahforu.multiply.com/video/item/209

There are two sides to every lie, er...story

2011-08-26T16:58:00.001-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

August 26, 2011 - Rick Perry signs Anti Gay Marriage Pledge.

Candidates who sign the document promise to support a constitutional amendment that defines marriage as being between a man and a woman.

July 23, 2011 -

As to the about to become law in New York State regarding gay marriage, Perry said, “You know what? That’s New York, and that’s their business, and that’s fine with me. If you believe in the 10th Amendment, stay out of their business if you live in some other state or particularly if you’re the federal government.”

FYI 2

2011-08-21T11:16:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Just saying:

PBS', Making Sense: 'Land of the Free...Home of the Poor'

2011-08-19T12:12:00.001-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

I saw this on Cooks and Liars. An excerpt from a PBS News Hour episode. A must watch, in my view.

"Making Sen$e correspondent Paul Solman reports on the extreme inequality in the U.S. It's now on par with African dictatorships"

Watch the full episode. See more PBS NewsHour.

FYI

2011-08-13T16:30:00.002-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Just in case you are confused, let me clear it up for you.

JESUS CHRIST:

RICK PERRY - asswipe from Texas who today announced his candidacy for president (if you click on it...it'll make you afraid...very afraid).

• Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention. - Molly Irvins

ADDENDUM: This just in....

A little slip of the tongue?

2011-08-10T17:01:00.001-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Meet Jon Burning, the attorney general of the state I live in...Nebraska. This man is the epitome of the absolute worse in politics. Among other things, he panders to...you guessed it...the less than average I.Q. set....the ABC Zeroes. Bruning is running for the U.S. Senate in 2012 against Ben Nelson, the uncumpetant (sic), as the Tea Nutters Candidate. Unfortunately, Ben Nelson isn't much better. Nelson DemRepug) sure as hell needs replacing, however Bruning would be a sorry choice. But that is another rant.

I have never liked this arrogant, phony son of a bitch, and he is the perfect candidate for the numb skull tea bagging nitwits.

Here then the" working people's" candidate making fun of, and belittling the less fortunate of our society. The comment takes on even more poignancy given that 70% of Nebraska's farmers receive some form of Federal assistance.

BTW, he has come forth since making this comment and stated that it was a poor choice of words, or something to that effect. Isn't it always...after the fucking fact...and now that the five second sound bite nitwits have heard his earlier comments. Ashwipe!

Bruning: Well I'm up, this week on Tuesday night or on Monday night I'm in Broken Bow. And the road superintendant, he says we're trying to build a road in Sargent Nebraska. And they've got all this equipment out there in Sargent, sitting on the side of the road and it's not doing anything. And what's going on? Well somebody found a Burying Beetle. A little bitty beetle and they stop the whole project. One Burying Beetle. And so the biologist has to go out there and he sets this traps and you've seen these buckets right? They put a rat carcass in the bottom and the beetles crawl up and they fall into the bottom of it. And they put all these buckets up and down the side of the road and they capture all the Burying Beetles. The biologist goes out in the morning, grabs the beetles and they take them 2 miles down and they gently let the beetles out. So that the beetles will survive. Some farmer he's got a little more sense than the biologist or EPA or whoever it is. And the farmer walks out there with his video camera one night because the raccoons figure out the beetles are in the bucket. And it's like grapes in a jar. The raccoons, they're not stupid, they're going to do the easy way if we make it easy for them, just like welfare recipients all across America. If we don't incentive to work they're going to take the easy way out

If you are at a loss

2011-08-04T17:57:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

as to what has happened the last few days...and why. Perhaps this will enlighten you. Or not.

In lieu of a tirade

2011-08-02T13:10:00.003-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

...of my own, because my doctor just last week warned me about my stressful high blood pressure producing ways...even though she agreed with me about the thing I was ranting about in her office...the U.S. Congress...along with certain other elected officials...and their masters.

In case the video doesn't work for you, here's the LINK.give it a moment to load.

So, here's the Daily Show to do some of it for me, because I am just fucking speechless about it all...at the moment.

The Daily Show - Dealageddon! - Angry Tea Party
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

I love me some dirty words

2011-07-29T16:26:00.002-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Ran across this on Boing Boing today. Google has yet another neat gadget for our squandered time enjoyment. It's called, What Do You Love?

You type in something that you love, and it does whatever the fuck it does. Fun huh? But wait...

I realize it is Friday, and many of you haven't anything to do, and it's been a five tequila and lime shots week, and you have no friends, and no where to go, so this sounds scintillating and a perfect companion to a nice bottle of merlot. But before you click on that and abandon this fine post for the rest of the evening, there is something you should know. In it's wisdom, Google realizes that some of you out there are...well...profane...not to mention...potty mouths and minds (moi, and my readers excepted, of course). And they have decided that you need to be protected against yourself and your wanton ways. So they have established a list of words and praises that will not be accepted when typed in.

453 words and praises, to be exact. What did he say? FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY THREE! Here is the complete list...FULLOFIT.

Hells fucking bells...when I saw this, I thought, George Carlin only had to deal with 7. We've picked up another 446 in the ensuing 30 or so years? Sheeeeeeeeeeeit, fuck, motherfucker and the rest.

Once its fucked...it's damned near impossible to get it unfucked!

2011-07-25T17:55:00.023-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

ADDENDUM: John Boehner's Office number 202.225.0600 - for venting.

I lifted this from Kulkuri at Yooper in Crackerville. Later I did what I ought not do every day of my high blood pressure life...I read the news. The more I read regards the budget-defication and extend our penis ceiling, the more I realized how absolutely appropriate this ditty by Katie Goodman is..

An aside: My thought is, if our traitorous (aka Republican) "representatives" in Washington don't keep us from defaulting on our debts and extend the debt ceiling, and Social Security checks, AMONG OTHERS, cannot be issued, then I demand that Congressional salaries be halted as well. Until they can get their sorry ass shit together.

Warning!

2011-07-21T17:48:00.001-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

These came from HappyPlace.com.

Let the devil take the hindmost

2011-07-19T19:34:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

The more I hear from this man, the more I realize that I hope he runs for president, or the senate some day. I'm talking about Alan Grayson. I am old enough to be his father, and I can say, I would be proud to be such. We are both on the same page, as they say over there in corporate lackyland

This email I received from him is related to my last post, which didn't really garner the outrage I thought it would, but WTF.

So, let me pound you over the head with more of the same stuff...or not.

Dear William, (That's me...don't ask about the J thingy)

Cut Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security? Let’s think about this.
Medicare helps to heal people who are old and sick. Medicaid helps to heal people who are poor and sick. And for most people, without Social Security, they would have to work until the day they die.

These are not things that I want to cut. But some people do.

Who are these people who want to cut Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security? I know some of them. For two years, I sat with them in a room – the Floor of the House – for several hours a day.
I got to know some of them quite well. I can summarize their views in six short words: “Let the Devil Take the Hindmost.”

“Let the Devil Take the Hindmost” refers to a situation where the Devil is chasing us. Some of us – the young, the fit, the healthy -- are able to run away from the Devil. And those others – the old, the children, the sick and, frankly, the scared – they can’t run as fast. They’re the hindmost. They’re the ones that the Devil catches, and destroys.

So what should the ones who run faster do? Should they grab hold of the hindmost, lift them up, and help them to run to safety? Or should they just let the Devil take the hindmost, while they escape?
You know what Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity would do in that situation. And Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin. They would let the Devil take the hindmost.
But you wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t.

The phrase “Let the Devil Take the Hindmost” is a venerable phrase; it just celebrated its 400th birthday. It comes from a 1610 play called “Love Lies a-Bleeding.” (All you Elton John fans now know where the song “Love Lies Bleeding” comes from.) Shakespeare didn’t write the play, but it was performed by Shakespeare’s theatre troop, The King’s Men.

In Act V of “Love Lies a-Bleeding,” the people rise in rebellion against a bad government. The character Thrasiline questions whether the people can remain united, however. Thrasiline says that even when a mere “toy” clicks at the people’s heels, “they run all away, and cry, ‘the devil take the hindmost.’

Dion responds to Thrasiline this way: “Then the same devil take the foremost too, and souse him for his breakfast! If they all prove cowards, my curses fly amongst them, and be speeding!”
(“Sousing” is cooking a cut of meat until it is well done, pulling the meat off the bones, and then mashing it.)
And that’s the point – the 400-year-old point. If the Devil is chasing us, there is no reason to think that he’ll ever be satisfied just taking the hindmost. The Devil will take the foremost, too. Mash them up, and eat them for breakfast.

The Devil in America today is poverty, unemployment, malnutrition, bigotry, selfishness, ignorance, disease and death. When the Right Wing says that we have to cut Social Security, cut Medicare, cut Medicaid, cut unemployment insurance, cut education, cut food stamps, what they’re really saying is “let the Devil take the hindmost.”

I think that we’d all be a lot better off if we stopped running, we all turned on the Devil, and we fought back together. At least we would have a chance.

I’d rather fight, not run away.

What about you?

Courage,

Alan Grayson

A call to arms

2011-07-18T22:05:00.000-05:00

We cannot let the Republithugs get away with this transparent attempt to discredit President Obama, and thereby lessen his chances of re-election. While in their pea brains, it's all about defeating Obama in 2012, the consequences of their shenanigans will be severe to say the least.

I received this today from MoveOn.org http://front.moveon.org/. I am passing it on, because we are at a dangerous crossroads in our history. If the debt ceiling is not raised...the reprecussions will be draconian in scope. It won't be just seniors affected by not getting their Social Security monies...WHICH THEY HAVE EARNED AND DESERVE...it WILL affect all of us. Believe it! This is the best my feeble ass can do. I made my call...please do the same.

Call your member of Congress right away!

If you receive Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid, your benefits could be suspended on August 3.

In order to keep making government payments, including your benefits, Congress needs to raise the official "debt ceiling" by August 2.

But Republicans may force the government into default unless the President agrees to more tax breaks for corporations and the rich and big cuts to Social Security, Medicare and other vital programs.

If Congress doesn't act, President Obama says, "I cannot guarantee that those checks go out on August 3rd if we haven't resolved this issue. Because there may simply not be the money in the coffers to do it."1

We can't let that happen! Call your member of Congress TODAY. We need to make sure they all know we don't want our benefits threatened just to protect tax breaks for millionaires and big corporations.
Call the Capitol Switchboard at (202) 224-3121 or click HERE to find your member of Congress and their phone number (click on Find Your Representative).

I.T. I.S. A.B.O.U.T. (expletive) T.I.M.E.

2011-07-14T18:54:00.004-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

that your balls have at last become visible, Mr. President. Thank you - all of the people who believed in, and voted for...YOU in 2008. BTW, we are still out here, and taking notes.

The following is what Mr. Obama said to the the shithead from the other side of the aisle, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, just before walking out of Wednesday's debt ceiling negotiations meeting, having been interrupted and berated by Mr. Cantor three times during the session (per TIME):

The Clown for All Seasons

"What we're seeing here confirms what the American people think is the worst about Washington: that everyone is more interested in posturing and political positioning and protecting their base than solving real problems. Eric, I could get well above the numbers the GOP is talking about with revenue increases. I am not afraid to veto this and I will take that message and defend it to the American people. If we default, it will be a tax increase on every American. My responsibility is to the American people. I have reached the point where I say, 'Enough.' I have sat here long enough and no other President - Ronald Reagan wouldn't sit here like this. I've reached my limit. We've reached the point where something's got to give. You've either got to compromise on your dollar for dollar insistence or you compromise on the big deal, which means raising taxes. Eric, don't call my bluff. I will go to the American people on this. This may bring my presidency down, but I will not yield on this."

"Bring it on, you sonsofbitches" - JohnfuckingWayne (OK, he was a right-wing Repug, full of shit warmonger...I just like the quote...makes me want to kick ass...know what I mean?)

Help...somebody...won't you pleeeeeze help me?

2011-07-11T20:00:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Last week I had to replace our network wireless router. We have several things linked to it...printer...Wii...Netflix...and our Dish Network DVR. Before I sat down to install it, I did research in manuals and online so that I could get everything re-oriented with the new router without problems. The only device that simply didn't give me any clue about what to do was Dish Network. So, because I have a hearing problem on the phone with lady types, and the chance of encountering a lady type on a help desk is...well...50/50, I went to their online chat help desk. This is how it went. Not made up...the actual conversation. I only changed the help desk person's name so that Dish doesn't sue the bejesus out of me:

Welcome to DISH Network Chat.

5 minutes later:

Maude (ID:xxx): How may I help you today? Yep, a lady type. Good move JJ.

Me: I need to replace my wireless router. Is there anything I need to do with my dish set-up? Obviously the wireless address is going to change, but will Dish automatically adjust to that and recognize it? And if not, where do I go on the Dish menu to change the router address?

4 minutes later:

Maude (ID: xxx): I will be happy to assist you with your request.

Maude (ID:xxx): For security purposes, would you please verify the last four digits of the Social Security Number on the account?

Me: Hold for a minute please.

Maude (ID:xxx): Sure.

Me: 0000...that's my wife's...the acct is in her name

Maude (ID:xxx): Thank you.

5 minutes later:

Maude (ID:xxx): You just need to send the wireless adaptor and the amount will be adjusted to your bill. Wha...?

Maude (ID:xxx): JJ (yes, I changed it!), not to worry, the amount will be adjusted to your account. WTF are you talking about?

Maude (ID:xxx): Is there anything else I may assist you with?

Me: Maude, I don't think you understand my question. I am replacing my wireless router, which has nothing to do with Dish except that two of our tvs communicate with the DVR through our wireless router. I just want to know if I need to reset the Dish settings somewhere, or will it automatically recognize the new router.

Maude (ID:xxx): Thank you for your clarification. Clarification?

5 minutes later:

Maude (ID:xxx): I misunderstood it because, if you purchase the adaptor you can return the adaptor with in 30 days so I misunderstood it in that way. However the answer to your question is yes, the receiver will recognize your new adaptor. Misunderstood? I did not purchase an "adaptor"...I am returning nothing...I am installing a new ROUTER! Are you in the middle of a lobotomization?

Me: It's not an adaptor...it's a WIRELESS ROUTER.

Maude (iD:xxx): Yes, the receiver will recognize your new adaptor. Why do I not have faith in this help desk person? Router = Adaptor. Question = non sequitur answer. Help Desk = Idjit (possibly in Inja, fucking a sacred cow...on the help desk...whilst making a video for YouTube...who the fuck knows).

Me: Thank you for your help :) Hang it up JJ. Move on. Punt when the Dish thing doesn't work on the new router...who gives a flying fart.

Maude (ID:xxx): You're welcome.

Maude (ID:xxx): Is there anything else I may assist you with? Not a thing, Maude. Have a nice day and give my regards to Bollywood.

In case you are wondering...it recognized the new ROUTER. I just couldn't ADAPT to her.

Fini.

Hurry, this won't last

2011-07-08T17:47:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

This from Craigslist:

So my sister gave me this cello a couple years ago. It's a nice cello. Actually, it's a great cello. It's probably the best cello, but I don't really know much about cellos. Also the neck snapped off. Of the cello. So it's really more like 3/4's of a cello, but the other 1/4's still there, it's just not attached. It's kind of like you're getting two cellos, only one of them doesn't have a body and the other doesn't have a neck. But if you stand them up next to each other it's like old times. You could probably fix it with like some music glue or something like that.

She also gave me a cello bag that I can give to you too, now that I won't have a cello. It's a really nice cello bag. You can fit everything in it. Actually, there might even be a bow in the bag, I'm not sure. I don't want you to think that there's 100% a bow in the bag. It's way over there, I can't check right now. But if it's in there it's yours.

If you're like me and you don't know how to play the cello then you could use it as a coin bank. It's hollow and there are two S's on the front that you could drop the coins through. Then when it's filled up you could drop it off of your roof or carry it around like a change purse. Ooh, in the cello bag. It'd be like a cello purse. I'd do it but I'm moving across the country and it won't fit in my car. What else could you do with it. You could saw the front off and use it as a sled. Or give the neck to a baby as like a wizard stick for Christmas. Totally give this cello to someone for Christmas. Or Hanukkah.

Please come get it. I'm in Echo Park. I'd actually go somewhere to meet you if wherever we're going is a cool place. Like the desert or something.

I'm 90% certain the bow's in there.

Location: Echo Park
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

I'm thinking a little duct tape would take care of this puppy...put you right back on the concert circuit.

Back Door Front Load Out of the Boxers

2011-07-06T18:23:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Now and then, in addition to her regular job my wife does independent contract work for a merchandising company in another state. Usually she does it on a Saturday and I help her out. It gets done quickly and makes for easy supplemental money, really. The negative part is, the people who work in the "supervisory" positions, are quintessential corporatese zeros, spewing the "listen to me, I am an important corporate jingo Jane/John" who loves being on the "same page"..."out of the box"..."24/7"..."proactively".

The emails they send out crack my ass, and make it suck egg. This one today:

"...this is an example as to why (censored) Merchandising needs all IC’s to “Front Load” every project. Front Loading is completing your assigned projects at the “Front” of the project and not the “End. LET'S HIT THIS ONE OUT OF THE BALLPARK PEOPLE!"

Give me a fricking break jackwads...it's a part-time gig. All of your employees, beyond your strip mall office, are IN.DE.PEN.DENT CON.TRAC.TORS, working one day a week, or so. They are not upwardly mobile, suck your teats. rising wannabes. In fact, they wouldn't even know your corporate whore ass name if they were able to make ends meet without this bullshit. See? So, quit with the cheerleader platitudes, and all caps fake enthusiasm. Because if I ever meet your stupid ass in a dark alley next to the strip mall there, I am going to show you some real front load...in the back door!

Yes, this is classified as a rant, because my suck wind factor is at 10 when I deal with the big C state of mind. It makes me...shed...because they just aren't on my plate.

I love the following video. It very much says it all for me. It's by some extremely talented young dudes...well, younger than me...but who isn't...except a couple of old coots who frequent this blog:

Hey, let's kick some fireworks ass!

2011-07-04T19:15:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

A short post, inspired by my newest follower, Dusty, Hells most vocal Bitch over at Leftwingnutjob.net.http://leftwingnutjob.net/2011/07/happy-friggin-4th/.

Damned good thing, because I was at a loss as to what to post on this fine patriotic, reclaim day. This says it all for me and my neighborhood here on the plain Plains.

An aside...I am pretty sure the pit bull which lives next door is a little less enthusiastic than some of my other bomb totting neighbors about it all. Maybe my neighbor should just let him loose and let HIM take care of all this loud bullshit which goes on for the next three weeks.

Kind of wondering

2011-07-02T19:15:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

OK, I stole this idea from the Colbert Report. I can't figure out why they call it the CoBear Report, when it's spelled...COL BERT. Nevertheless, I felt the idea needed wider exposure, as only I can give it.

It does make one wonder...does it not?

Father Ted, Father Dougal, Father Jack, and me.

2011-06-30T17:54:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

One of my favorite British Broadcaster Channel 4 series of a few years back, is Father Ted. The premise was, three Irish Catholic priests who have incurred the displeasure of the church, have been banned to an island parish off the coast of Ireland (Craggy Island).

The infractions that got them exiled:

Father Ted Crilly for misappropriation of charitable donations, the proceeds of which he used to fund a trip to Los Vegas.

Father Dougal McGuire for a number of mysterious infractions, the only known one being...not believing in the afterlife. We soon find out in the first episode that Father Dougal is also not the brightest star in the sky, but highly likable.

And lastly my favorite, Father Jack Hackett, "an elderly, decrepit, foul-mouthed, lecherous alcoholic priest who frequently lapses into violent behaviour, particularly when his fellow clergy deny him drink or try removing him from his armchair, where he is usually found sleeping (or, more likely, passed out). Left irrevocably damaged by his life of sloth, lechery and alcoholic abuse, he rarely speaks in a coherent manner, instead expressing himself through a series of random shouted words (i.e., "FECK!", "ARSE!", "DRINK!" and "GIRLS!"). In addition, he has "selective" hearing...which brings me to the real reason for this post.

I have a high frequency hearing loss which has gotten worse with age. My main problem is with women's higher pitched voices (yes, I live with three personages of the female persuasion...ain't that an on-high ironic kick?). As long as I can see their lips, there isn't much of a problem, as I have learned to read lips.

The other night, as usual, I shut out lights, locked doors, and secured the house for nocturnal mode. My wife had gone to bed a little before me.

I opened the bedroom door, the lights were out, and my wife said something...
"would you___something".
"What?"
"Would you jibberjabbernockleswink (might as well been)"
"Would I get the goat????? What?"
"No, no, no...would you nockle the framusawoka?"
"What the fuck are you talking about...fire up the wok?"
"Jesus, this sounds like Father Ted."

At this point we both realized that we were in the middle of a Father Jack routine, which brought on uncontrollable laughing, while still trying to communicate. It got worse...the side and back pain. I was hurting bad, I mean baaaaaaaad. I fell on the floor from laughter hurt...AND...I definitely did not know now what the hell she wanted. It had something to do with a scone, a moan, or her phone. The goat was on it's own. And I was hurting too much to get up and turn on the light. Ferk!

Doesn't matter. Conjuring up the miscreants of Father Ted was enjoyable. Here's to that sublimely creative bunch that created and acted in the series. If you like Irish/British humour (sic)...give a look.

Here is a taste:

In this one, Father Ted is trying to coach Father Jack with phrases to use with the upcoming bishop's visit...other than Ferk, Arse, Drink and Girls:

Going, going...gone!

2011-06-20T16:02:00.001-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

I picked up on this News Update at Chimp's Plane t today.

It seems one of Marilyn Monroe's dresses which was on auction, went for 4.6 Million Dollars, on Saturday. This one:

If a mere dress went for that much money, can you imagine what a pair of panties would go for? My dream is shattered, as I had hopes of one day owning a pair.

C'est la vie, mon cherie.

Tales of the Tar

2011-06-14T19:51:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

A couple of posts ago, I went through...as near as my brain will allow...all the cars I've owned. What occurred to me during this exercise was that if one is a red-blooded American male with an automobile, or veeeeeehickel, as they like to say down where I grew up, sooner or later one is likely to run afoul of the pooooolice in violation of some traffic law or other. I was no exception.

In that post, I mentioned a '56 Tudor Ford with the bashed driver's side door...the result of being T-boned in a strip mall by another testosterone type. Neither of us had insurance and as a result, my driver's license was suspended for six-months.

Did this stop me from driving...as it should have? No. I wasa baad boy!

I had a date across town on a Saturday night, leaving at Sundown to pick her up. Not the same young lady who endure a night of horror a few years before in my roach infested Buick. A different young lady. We had no history of bugs, but, we did have a shared experience of T-boning...of the car. She was with me that night.

Not far from my house, I crossed a major street and damned if the Sun wasn't in my eyes. Of course, the light was...RED...unbeknownst to me. But not unobserved by a motorcycle pooooliceman. He pulled up beside me and motioned for me to pull over. Oh crap, I'm thinking...a suspended license, and STILL no insurance. Maybe I can appeal to his patriotic sense...I was about to report for active duty in the army. Or, since this was next to a hospital, maybe I could tell him I was distraught and on my way to see my dying...whomever. I pulled over, with the barest of bones story.

He got off his veeeehicle and approached the driver's side. I couldn't see him very well, plus he had on a pair of those sunglasses...you know them...worn only by aviators and motorcycle policemen...and young smart asses...such as myself. Unfortunately, I didn't have on a pair...hence the blinded traffic light fuck up.

He got to my car, looked at me and immediately said, "sonofabitch...how come everybody I pull over today is an old high school buddy?"

"Oh Jesus and sweet Mary mother of God I will never smoke cigarettes, or drink the devil drinks, or masterbate again for this gift (I'll get back to you on the going to church thing). Thank you, thank you, thank you...it's Ray...Ray, MOTHERFUCKING RAY, from my Geometry class in high school. The guy who shot spitballs at old half blind Mr. Guntersen when his back was turned, in unison with me. YEEEEEES!"

I didn't even have to produce my expired driver's license...or non-existent insurance card. I was damned glad that my license plate was up to date, though.

We chatted a bit about old spitball times, and ol' Ray went on about his enforcement business. And I went on about my hot date business (don't get on my bachelor case...we eventually got married).

That was lucky break numero uno. There were more to come. Sort of.

A few years later after having bought a sweeeeeeeeeet MGB baby, with toggle switches, short stroked gear shift, leather seats, spoked wheels and a BONNET...that's what the Brits call the hood...a BONNET. How cool is that? Oh, it also had an authentic, original Brit license plate on the front. Just thinking about it gives me...well, maybe I shouldn't go there.

I would put the top down and hug the road. Hair in the wind, pretending that I was James Bond, flat out through the curves of the Swiss Alps. Never mind that Bond drove an Aston Martin DB5...which was not a convertible...but, this was pretty close in my world...and...they both have a bonnet.

The strange part was, I never saw Bond get a speeding ticket. I acquired several. WTF?

I was married by the time I bought the MGB. I went through 3 or 4 speeding tickets over a period of the first six months of ownership, and my wife was not particularly copacetic on the point. It was getting expensive, I admit. Try as I might, there was something about that damned car that just wouldn't be everyday-chug-along. In retrospect the problem was most likely between the seat and the steering wheel, not the car..you gotta love old guy wisdom hindsight, eh?

So one night I am out with a few friends...all guys. We stopped for a few minutes for A drink, and two hours later...well, you know the story. I left the "lounge" and headed home. Not really shit faced...just...happy. I may or may not have been exceeding the speed limit...probably not...but I will admit that I once again ran a red light. This time there was no Sun to blame...it was about 8 p.m.

Yep, I got the blue light.

This was a very old policeman that got out of the squad car. My grandfather look alike. He says to me, Mr. Smith (do you really think you are going to get my real name here on this left-wing blog...nah)...Mr. Jones, you ran a red light...you were speeding...and you have been drinking. By the law, I should take you downtown and book you. Should? He said, should! Jesus, mother Mary of whozey..and Salome...speak to me again. OK, church it is.

He said, "I am only going to charge you with two of these...speeding and running a red light." Whew.

And so I took the summons to appear, avoiding the Tank...the Tank of pissyness, puke and drunk fuckers. I'm told it is a smelly kind of place. I was very happy not to have to confirm that assessment...and I was very appreciative of this wise old policeman.

I did not tell my wife about this event.

A few days later, I went home after my wife, and she looked at me with THAT look. You know what I am talking about, dudes, guys, and bros...I know you do. She said to me..."you got another speeding ticket...didn't you?" Gulp and huh?

It seems the wise old policeman who didn't want me to go to the Tank, and I suspect, spend the rest of the night filling out his report about my sorry ass, had come by the house and left a note on the front door. It read..."Mr. Black, I entered the wrong court appearance date on your summons, it should read June 6, not June 4th. I just wanted to let you know...have a nice day."

Something about mice and men, methinks.

Critter's Crap: The Republican War On Children

2011-06-13T19:00:00.001-05:00

Critter's Crap: The Republican War On Children

This is so disturbing, I felt I needed to link it to my blog.

Despicable Asswipes!

2011-06-10T17:24:00.001-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Is there no level to which the Cock (sic) Brothers and the stinking Americans for Prosperity (read, the Tea Party) which the Cocks own, will not stoop to reward their cronies and butt fuck the rest of us?

It seems that there is a proposal to build a bridge from Canada to Detroit, to be called the International Trade Crossing Bridge. There is already a bridge in existence, but it is privately owned and is a toll bridge. Who owns it? Glad you asked. Read this, which I took from an article by Liz Goodwin, a writer for THE LOOKOUT...A News Blog. Excerpts indicated in italics and quotes.

"Republican donor Manuel (Matty) Moroun is lobbying against the proposed bridge because it would siphon traffic and tolls from his privately owned Ambassador bridge that traverses the same span between Detroit and Ontario. Moroun would like a second bridge--but one that he would own."

Well, fine and dandy, an entrapemanure who wants the exclusive on the market. WTF, it's the free-enterprise way...the Amurican way.

But what makes this particularly onerous (as if the above isn't onerous enough) is a typical right-wing scare tactic. In this case, the slimebags spread fake eviction notices throughout neighborhoods in Detroit. "The flyers said 'eviction notice' in big block letters and then warned residents that the state of Michigan could take their homes to make way for a new proposed bridge to Canada, the New International Trade Crossing bridge."

And then the second half of the lying is put into play:

"Moroun's company told the Free Press that it had nothing to do with the fake eviction notices, though Americans for Prosperity's Hagerstrom would not reveal if the group has received money from the bridge company to help fund its anti-public bridge campaign."

What does Peckerheads for Prosperity have to say about it?

"It was meant to startle people," Americans for Prosperity state director Scott Hagerstrom told The Detroit Free Press.

And are Peckerheads for Posterity even a teeny tiny little bit sorry for scaring the shit out of thousands of Detroit citizens. And are they going to apologize?

No follow-up to answer that question dudes and dudettes. A big fatheaded NO.

This is what is wrong with America...

2011-06-07T18:51:00.001-05:00

we have no...

On the road

2011-06-05T19:30:00.004-05:00

WARNING...this is one long ferking post. Please try to stay awake. I know that is asking a lot from Mr. C and El Puncho, but...

I got this idea from Old Buzzard's World View, last week. Being the kind of ~~old fart~~ ~~guy~~ dude I am...I promptly absconded with the idea. He was reminiscing about all the cars he had owned in his life....with appropriate photos. I think it was a total of 21. Of course I am old enough to do that reminiscing thing, as well.

My total is nineteen, but I excluded a few that were third cars, and not around for very long. Not worth mentioning.

The total is nineteen, but keep in mind that we were a two car family, so some of these were in our lives two at a time.

Now just to get you in the mood for this post, here is a short (1 minute) commercial from the epitome of used car dealers...Cal Worthington of Long Beach, California. A blast from my past when I lived in
Southern Cal:

But back to my cars (none bought from Cal). Finding these cars on line was a pain in the ass. In many cases, I couldn't even find the same model, not to mention color...and with some...not even the year. Strange. Also, my old guy brain fartness lost track of exactly what year some of these were. Just guessing with much of it.

In all but three cases, I bought these cars used. The interesting thing is I realized that with the exception of the Toyotas, every one of these cars gave me trouble...some more than others...but trouble nonetheless. I can't say enough positive about Toyota...just damn good vehicles...or have been for me at least. One can't kill the bastards...which is probably the reason they are the pickups of choice for radical terrorist groups...just sayin'.

One other note---as I got into this thing, it got more and more windy, because every damned one of them had a story. Finally after the first six I realized that this was turning into the longest fucking blog post ever. So, be glad to know that after that number, I tried to restrict myself to minimal comment.

My first car...a '52 Dodge humpback Doggie (my term). It was purchased for me by my grandfather (I paid him back in installments). It's not the car I wanted, but he was afraid I would kill myself in the car I really wanted...a lowered, '50 Ford Coupe with dual glass pack mufflers...and it was the same price as the Doggie, which was two years newer...if that tells you something. The Doggie smelled like brake fluid...and there was a reason...it ate master brake cylinders...by the dozens. It was my introduction to home auto maintenance....and cold-sweat fear at traffic lights. It also consumed generators, as well. The upside is, I learned how to dodge parallel traffic without being T-boned and smeared up and down the pavement of major streets in and around Jacksonville, Florida. I still possess this skill here on the plain Plains. Oh, and, I learned about re-built auto parts...they are cheaper.

My second car, a '50 Buick tudor, Ut was purchased after I returned from Army Basic and Advance Training. My grandfather sold the Doggie while I was away. I bought this from a friend's neighbor who had it parked in an empty lot, with lots of Spanish Moss laden Oak trees, between their houses. $300 was the going price. I was proud to own this classic beast and to have wheels once again in my life. Mobility gave me, well...romantical follow-up ability.

Soon after arriving at a Drive-In Theater on my first date in this beauty, my soon to be ex-friend began screaming..."roaches, roaches, roaches!" It seems there was a nest of them in each window panel...on the march...across the dashboard. Literally, I had to take her home immediately, and at the same time I was trying to keep control of the car as we were trying to squish the sumbitches. Fortunately, she lived close by. Not a stellar first impression, which turned out to be a last impression. I can't remember her name now.

The next day I took out the door panels, and indeed they were infested with what we called Palmetto Bugs in Florida. Besides being slightly less than the size of the Buick, they stink like bad ass tennis shoe socks, when you stomp 'em. Seriously...very foul. I bombed this bunch with insect killer shit, but they never really went away entirely. I ended up junking the car. I got 50 bucks for it I think. It wasn't so much that the car was a mechanical problem, as much as being a varmint problem.

No, this is not how my next car actually looked. Rather, it was dented in on the driver's side. This is the same model however. A 1956 Ford something or other. The biggest annoyance was...I had to exit the vehicle on the passenger's side, after one week of mine and the bank's ownership. I was T-boned in a parking lot one night. And as young ~~fellows~~ dudes are wont to do...or not wont to do...neither of us had insurance on our car.

I don't recall if there were mind-altering substances involved with the whole affair, or not. We did call the police in a effort to straighten the mess out, and to do the right thing, but since it was technically on private property, there wasn't much they could do...except...give us a summons for not having insurance...they did not mention anything about mind-altering substances, however. As a result, I lost my driver's license. Shit happens...and that is another tale to be told. The bottom line was (as they say in the halls of collar white places), I couldn't get the ferking thing fixed, because I had no insurance. Oh, and being the ignoramus that I was at the time...I keep driving...sans permit...exiting on the passenger side. Again...that is another tale.

A '61 Valiant. My first convertible. I bought this baby from the same friend whose neighbor had the Roach Buick in the empty, Oak Tree, roach infested lot. Fortunately this one had no roaches or other creepy crawlies...at least that got loose,...that I know of. In all fairness to my friend, who moved from this to a Renault limp shift, Franchie thingy, he did go over it's idiosyncrasies with me. The biggest one being that it would jam in first gear. You had to get out, lift the hood, and bang on the linkage (I think that's what it was) with a hammer, and then you could change into second and beyond.

As to why my friend bought a Renault...I can only say that he was a practicing Roman Catholic. This was the only reason I could ever come up with.

And now...and now...the car that still gives me, dreaming pleasure. My beautiful 1963 MGB Roadster. God I loved that car. I got more speeding tickets with this car than all of my other vehicles combined. Yazzir.

It's peculiarity also involved a hammer. The starter would stick, and I'd have to get underneath and bang on it with a hammer. Then it would start.

I owned this puppy for a year or so, and while I was off at OCS, my first wife was involved in a collision with it (God rest her soul...she was a good person, whose life I am glad to have been a part of). It wasn't her fault, but it was beyond repair.

C'est la vie, baby.

And we bought, NEW, a classic, wet-dream delight, which cost...$2,500. A 1966 Mustang Convertible. The photo is the exact car. My first wife keep this car when we got a divorce. 20 years later she sold it for $25, 000. I'm not bitter, but that was the pristine care we gave this car...and she keep it up. However, while it was a fun car to drive, and a head turner, it gave us problems almost from the start. We were constantly taking this thing to the shop. I had a couple of friends who had one also, and they had the same experience. Hot car. Bad experience.

Please, no questions regards this 197something Duschelander abomination. Please, just don't go there. Uber alles, my ass.

10,000 miles into this Detroit-fuck-the-American-auto-consumer-in-the-ass-with-our-arrogance, this bastard blew a water pump on Interstate 95 near Palm Beach, and said water pump went through the radiator. We were approximately 300 miles from home at the time. In other words...large amounts dollars were required to remedy the situation. Of course it was one month beyond the piss ant warranty, and Dodge passed on fixing the problem. I think this thing was a 1972. I won't even go into the added on airconditioning that was SUPPOSED to be factory air. I won't even go into that.

Another over-rated German joke. This story would be soooooooo long, I'd have to start another blog to finish it. A '73 I believe, and we bought it new. Basically I decided after this one and the Opel, that we really ought to look into re-instigating the Nuremberg trials. A piece of 5-Star monkey shit!

1977? Pinto Wagon. I thought this car had some bad press because of the rear-end collision explosion reported in the press. But that actually it wasn't a bad little car. It got great gas mileage, was peppy, never gave me one bit of trouble and I keep it for 3 or 4 years. It had a tendency to rust in northern climes...but what vehicle doesn't. I traded it when I moved to California for a real California car...a Volvo.

1982 Volvo Wagon. Good car. My significant other got this one when we decided to move in different directions, and I bought a

1981 Toyota SR5 Special Package Sports Car in Disquise...pickup. The one pictured is very similar but lacks the moon roof that mine had. The best vehicle I have ever owned. When I bought it, it had 6,000 miles. When I got rid of it, it was pushing 300,000. I drove the piss out of this truck all over Southern California and South Florida. It just wouldn't die.

1976? Saab. Second car. Liked it. No real problems with this car.

Another Volvo. We put 200,000 on this one, starting at 50,000 when we got it. Love this car. But...but...it was a slow dog until you got up to Interstate speed. Comfy, but slooooooooooooow. It was also hard on fuel pumps, of which it had two...the reason for which I never understood. Maybe walkingman can shed some light on that one for me. Just askin'.

This was a compromise, better-than-nothing car. Lots of problems. Nothing else to say. 199something Escort Wagon.

1994 Camry Sedan. We bought this from a friend and it had almost a 100,000 miles on it at the time. We put another 100,000 on it. Great and beautiful car. Leather seats, V-6. Smooth.

Second car doggy doo. I hated this mother fucker. Smelled like leaking gas, constantly...because...it was leaking gas from the pipe to the tank. I keep thinking, one of these days I was going to go up in a ball of flame. It also hated alternators. The four-wheel drive was for shit in snow. Had a slipping automatic transmission from second to third. And worst of all...got about 12 mpg. OK, it was a $1,000 car, what can I say.

One of our current cars, 2003 Camry. Totally awesome vehicle. We've put 70,000 on it thus far, having started with 30,000.

OK, we have children, so I gave up my pickup for this. 2006 KIA Sedona Minivan. No more to say. Nor do I want to. I look at this, and dream about the MGB. Oh well, enjoy what you have...and have had is what my friend Punch says. I think it was him that said that...or not.

FINI

A Personal Acknowlegement

2011-05-30T17:03:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about this all day. Nothing else needs to be said. A quiet thing inside, from a long time ago.

Of course nothing has changed...young men die for old men. And the beat goes on.

Yep, about what I expected

2011-05-23T14:16:00.001-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

In other words, give him a little more time to figure out a good reason why God took the day off Saturday...or not.

A Gold What Were They Thinking Award goes to the reader who correctly comes up with Harold's rationalization regards his failed "guaranteed" rapture.

UPDATE:

Oops...the video has been removed! Hmmmmmmm. An act of God?

For those of you who missed it, basically Harold refused to be interviewed or talk. Nuff' said.

Raptor

2011-05-20T18:55:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

NO, wait...that is a bird of prey...this post is about birds of pray...and their RAPTURES. Don't get prey and pray fucked up...or God will fuck you up...just sayin'.

All of us have heard by now from the "Reverend" Harold Whatshisname that the Rapture will occur at 6 p.m., May 21st, 2011 (I refer to him as whatshisname because,

a) I do not want to give him more publicity and,

b) I only remember Harold something and,
c) I refuse to Google this subject to find it out...I have other things to do...like clip my toenails tonight...and...prepare).

Harold has figured this shit out, after having been wrong, oh, say two times? Three times? Doesn't matter, Harold has broken the bible math code and figured it out...6 p.fucking.m., May 21, 2011. Got it?

For those of you who do not know your ass from being jerked off into the sky...the Rapture is the beginning of the fucking end times. Jesus will do mano o mano with the devil after his padre, God, beams all the good Christians up into the place with the streets of gold (that's right, JUST the good ones...are ya listening all you tellers of falsities, closet fornicators, and down-right hipOcrits...YOU AIN'T GOING). And then the rest of us will abeing plagued upon, busting out in boils, having our teeth drop out and just generally having a miserable ass time for 5 months (that's Harold's figure, not mine). Personally, I'm sort of looking forward to a little debauchery, gluttony, and general sloveness...not to mention, not having to get up in the morning and getting this grumpy crew off to school and work. HOT DAMN, Y'ALL!

I do have a few questions however...just in case. Please add your own as you see fit:

- Will the raptees be rapted with or without clothes?

- Will household pets be going with the family, or not? And if not, why not? Is there no doggie or kitty heaven any more? My grandmother told me there was. WTF?

- The time...6 p.m. EST? Which would make it the 22d in Borneo, which is over there on the other side of the international date line from moi. And...that makes the event a two day thingy...so much for accurate biblical calculations...Harold Shithead!

On the other hand, will the reckoning occur time zone by time zone, beginning at the international date line? This would be convenient for all you Twitters out there, don't you think?

Here, let this illustrate the problem with the exact time of 6 p.m. At the moment this is being written, it is 11:22 a.m., May 21st in New Zealand and it is 6:23 p.m., May 20th
where I am. Take a look at this and how that dateline thing works (it's slightly less than two minutes):

And maybe the most pertinent question here is the one of, what the hell happened to the Mayan thingy about December 21, 2012 being the screeching halt of it all? Huh...huh...huh? What do you have to say to that Harold?

Made in the USA?

2011-05-18T18:29:00.000-05:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

I suppose because I voted for Obama and made a couple of contributions to his campaign in '08, that is the reason I keep getting emails from the Obama.com people.

Here is the latest...for a $15 contribution you (one) can get a coffee mug with his photo and an imprint of his birth certificate on it. Imprinted under the photo is the phrase, "Made in the USA"...the reference is obvious.

But being the cynic that I am...and damn dudes and dudettes, I hope I am wrong...I suspect that if one turned that mug upside down, one would see...Made in China.

Unfortunately, my Scottish antecedent genes prevent me from spending the $15 to find out. Yes, I am a cheap sumbitch...and don't ask me what category my 2008 campaign contributions were in. I do not want to hear the word pittance, just don't do it. He won didn't he?

However, if there is a deep pocket B of C reader out there that would like to purchase said mug and get back to us regards the basic question...hurry up will you?

Think about how fine that Joe is going to taste in that made in ~~China~~ USA mug.

Tasty

2011-05-13T19:18:00.000-05:00

We've all done this...sent a damning email to the wrong person. Damning in that the content was not meant for the recipient. You know what I'm talking about. I know you do.

I received this today from a close friend (male type):

"Can you get your Dr to prescribe the lotion again for tonight? Please love!"

About two minutes later I received another email from him:

"Ignore the last email!!!!! "

Of course, he had realized his mistake and probably was hoping I hadn't read the first email...which I had. HAR HAR HAR HAR.

I replied...OK, sweetie...to the first.

I haven't heard back from him.

That exchange got me to wondering...what kind of lotion could he be talking about? Hand lotion? Nah. Mosquito lotion? Too early in the season where he lives. Moisturizing? Nope, that's for female types, not we rough-skinned manly men.

Ah ha...sunscreen lotion! But wait, that makes no sense, the guy is a scuba diver, he loves the sun, he tans out in a nano-second. No, it has to be something else. So I went Agoogling. I think I figured it out, and here is the only logical conclusion...what do you think?

Oh yeah...THAT lotion. Wouldn't know...never used it myself...intentionally, that is.

I'm still confused as to what the doctor would have to do with this, however.

I wish my friend would return my phone calls.

Oh well.

Vanity...thy name is...The Donald

2011-05-11T16:45:00.000-05:00

My brother sent me this from Politico Click (whatever that is). The article is verbatim...and I am sure many of you have been waiting for this information with worms in your mouth breath:

Trump explains his hairdo.

By KARIN TANABE | 5/11/11 2:02 PM EDT Updated: 5/11/11 2:44 PM EDT

Comedians and plenty of other folks regularly make fun of Donald Trump’s hair. But Trump seldom talks about his own voluminous coif.

Then, suddenly, in a Rolling Stone article in the May 26 issue, he not only addressed the ‘do but discussed it in great detail.

After giving a little too much information about his morning routine, complete with the word “undies,” Trump, who says he’s still mulling over a 2012 presidential run, talked about how he washes and air dries his hair.

"OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders. I don't dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour. Then I read papers and things,” explained the billionaire. While waiting for his hair to dry, he reads, he watches TV. He loves Fox. He likes “Morning Joe.”

Then it’s back to the hair. “OK, so I've done all that. I then comb my hair. Yes, I do use a comb," he assured the interviewer. “Do I comb it forward? No, I don't comb it forward."

Trump then pushed back his pouf and showed off his hairline. "I actually don't have a bad hairline,” Trump told the magazine. “When you think about it, it's not bad. I mean, I get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it's not really a comb-over. It's sort of a little bit forward and back. I've combed it the same way for years. Same thing, every time.”

GOODGAWDALMIGHTY IN HIMMEL!

A jerk at the heart

2011-05-08T16:41:00.000-05:00

Sometimes they pull your chain...and sometimes they cause great gnashing of the teeth...and sometimes...well, here: for my wife on this mother's day from our seven year old, Sara. My wife handed this to me with big swells of tears. I have to say, this old geez's eyes filled as well.

Forever, for sure.

I am proud...

2011-04-29T19:01:00.001-05:00

to be the first to ask this question...in the form of a revealing graphic (click on the lower half of the graphic to enlarge it):

He needs to answer this question now. America wants to know. Can he PROVE that he has red blood, and not green? Why do his medical records list his blood type as RGB (no, I cannot reveal my sources)?

Was his mother raped by a reptilian visitor from Alpha Beta Gamma? Why does he avoid questions regarding his informant and investigative sources...much like another well- known alien, Joe McCarthy who communicated with fellow travelers on the dark side of the moon...which is where, as everyone knows, aliens maintain secret bases...from which they intend to attack Earth in the month of December, 2012.

And most revealing is that backward sweep Do. Seriously, do you expect us to really believe you paid $500 for that? No real Human Being would do that.

Running for president my ass. Answer the fucking question, Don. PROVE that you are one of us.

A "What If" re-post

2011-04-20T17:07:00.001-05:00

A re-post from a couple of years back. Right on time...or a day early, depending on one's point of view... explained in the update following the graphic.

Meanwhile, I ask what I asked two years ago...what if you gave a dinner and no one showed?

We don't know, maybe Michelangelo got paid by the square inch. Or maybe he suffered from horror vacui, which in art is the fear of empty space. So he filled the painting with people and hidden symbolism.

THE UPDATE: One of the most famous meals in history is commemorated a day late, a new book by a Cambridge University physicist claims.

Professor Sir Colin Humphreys, who was knighted last year for his contribution to science, argues that the last supper Jesus Christ shared with his disciples occurred on Wednesday, April 1, AD33, rather than on a Thursday as traditionally celebrated in most Christian churches.

For more on the story

It's tax day...well...

2011-04-18T09:00:00.000-05:00

for some of us.

The graphic was designed and borrowed from moveon.orgCivicAction. The list was compiled by U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont.

Kudos to them both!

Of, by, and for

2011-04-05T17:34:00.000-05:00

And it's not the of, by and for of which you are thinking.

I took this from Chimp Planet a few days ago. It is so spot on that I felt it should be passed around.

It is an article in the Vanity Fair May 2011 issue by Joseph E. Stiglitz, entitled, Of the 1%, by the 1%, for the 1%

I have included three excepts below, here. To read the entire excellent article click HERE.

"The top 1 percent may complain about the kind of government we have in America, but in truth they like it just fine: too gridlocked to re-distribute, too divided to do anything but lower taxes."

"...Wealth begets power, which begets more wealth. During the savings-and-loan scandal of the 1980s—a scandal whose dimensions, by today’s standards, seem almost quaint—the banker Charles Keating was asked by a congressional committee whether the $1.5 million he had spread among a few key elected officials could actually buy influence. “I certainly hope so,” he replied. The Supreme Court, in its recent Citizens United case, has enshrined the right of corporations to buy government, by removing limitations on campaign spending. The personal and the political are today in perfect alignment. Virtually all U.S. senators, and most of the representatives in the House, are members of the top 1 percent when they arrive, are kept in office by money from the top 1 percent, and know that if they serve the top 1 percent well they will be rewarded by the top 1 percent when they leave office. By and large, the key executive-branch policymakers on trade and economic policy also come from the top 1 percent. When pharmaceutical companies receive a trillion-dollar gift—through legislation prohibiting the government, the largest buyer of drugs, from bargaining over price—it should not come as cause for wonder. It should not make jaws drop that a tax bill cannot emerge from Congress unless big tax cuts are put in place for the wealthy..."

"...Of all the costs imposed on our society by the top 1 percent, perhaps the greatest is this: the erosion of our sense of identity, in which fair play, equality of opportunity, and a sense of community are so important. America has long prided itself on being a fair society, where everyone has an equal chance of getting ahead, but the statistics suggest otherwise: the chances of a poor citizen, or even a middle-class citizen, making it to the top in America are smaller than in many countries of Europe. The cards are stacked against them..."

The Men In Black

2011-04-02T15:51:00.001-05:00

I was sitting in my living room this morning, catching up with some of my favorite blogs. I looked out the front windows and I could seem them walking on the sidewalk...both of them...not the blogs...the men (I suppose I could go back and reconstruct that last sentence to clarify the statement, but hey...ef off).

They both wore black business suits with black ties and carried black business briefcases. Nothing says serious business like black business suits...and ties...and briefcases. There is no question that Levi jackets and cut-offs simply would not quite convey the seriousness of their seriousness business. "Appearance is everything" I once heard a business assholeo acquaintance of mine say. Although in my case I might have handled the entire incident in a different way had at least one of them been dressed in desert garb and sandals. Now that would have told me that this visit was REALLY serious!

Instinctively I knew...KNEW where the suits were headed.

One was about 18, the other in his mid-forties...probably training the young one in the business. Obviously attending to business...and...I...knew...WHAT...business. The BeJesus business...the BeJesus Jehovah Witnesses business. Yes...headed straight for...ME.

Obviously other black business suited JWs did not make a note about the argumentative occupant at this address...not to mention his disdaining snarl when opening the door to unsolicited solicitors...and black suited BeJesus tormentors. I know this, because they continued right up my driveway.

And they banged on my door, despite the doorbell button right in front of them. This was the moment of truth. This was an old refrain for me, I had been here before...many times. Usually, I open the door with the unrestrained snarl mentioned above, bowed up in the most intimidating shape I can muster, and yell, WHAT? And then they start their serious BeJesus business patooey. Something about, have I thought about eternity...and my soul...and all that good shit (shit being my word). And then the game is, I respond with...no, I am Jewish and we eat gentile babies in the basement of the synagogue on Friday nights just before the sabbath on Saturday...in lieu of fish. Are you offering up any babies...this is my week to scrounge up some? Of course, this usually ends the "conversation" and they back the fuck off.

Score one for evil oldish men.

It is immaterial that I am not really Jewish, nor do I eat babies in synagogues or elsewhere. The lie does get the job done that I need done...that is, it gets their asses out of here quickly...and I appear to be someone who COULD do these things. Appearance.

But today, I was in a non-confrontational mood. Not to mention it occurred to me a while back that basically all I have been accomplishing is to expand my blood pressure to the dangerous end and could possibly have a ferking stroke right there in the doorway, with the BeJesus boys praying over me. Score one for BeJesus.

So, I let them bang. I could hear them mumbling with one another (sacred mumbling with BeJesus, no doubt) and then the screen door open. What the ef, are they going to try the door? They didn't. They left a hand-out.

Later, with my BP right there where it needs to be, I opened the door and retrieved the hand-out. It was a folded piece, only half letter size, with a picture of gentile BeJesus and a very Republican looking preacher on the flip side. In the old days, back when I first made up my Jewish persona, they would hand out the Watchtower, which was several pages, full letter size, explaining the whole BeJesus thing.

I suppose the recession has affected even the BeJesus boys...or so it appears.

BTW, we know this is BeJesus because he has on flip-flops.

Yes, I did crumple it up at first, but a mysterious force caused me to straighten it back out and share it with you. I don't know what came over me. You have to admit though, it does look a little like a pizza. I'm thinking eBay.

An idea whose time has come

2011-04-01T11:19:00.000-05:00

You have to love Google. What a company. I don't know what we did without them.

Here is their latest gmail innovation.

The No-Fly doesn't fly...

2011-03-21T17:47:00.002-05:00

with me.

I grew up in Florida. I no longer live in Florida, but if I did, Alan Grayson would have my vote...provided I lived in his district, of course. He says what I am thinking...every time I get an email from him. It was a bad day for Florida when the idjit party unseated him.

This an email I received from him today.

One of the unfortunate imperatives of public life is that when something is the lead story, you think you’ve got to be doing something about it. Not just have an opinion on it. Be doing something about it.

Volcano erupts? Prepare a news release on the new anti-volcano policy.

Zombies are multiplying? Introduce anti-zombie legislation.

Well, Libya’s been on the front page for a month now. Demonstrations. Civil unrest. Army attacks, etc. So our world leaders think that they’ve got to be doing something about it.

Hence the Libya no-fly zone.

Here is a link to UN Security Resolution 1973, authorizing the Libya no-fly zone. It shows a laudable, albeit rather repetitive, concern for civilian wellbeing. It also completely fails to explain how a no-fly zone will ensure the safety of civilians.

The Libyan Air Force hasn’t received a major delivery of new aircraft in 22 years. Roughly three-quarters of its “air”craft can’t fly.

It is true that the Libyan Air Force, such as it is, has been deployed. But the serious threat to civilians in Libya is not from the Libyan Air Force. It’s from the government security forces on the ground. A no-fly zone does not take away their guns, or their artillery.

For outsiders like us, there are two questions to answer:

(1) Do you want Gaddafi in or out?

(2) Either way, what are you willing to do about it?

Here are my answers:

(1) Out, because Gaddafi is a dictator who has stunted the development of his country and its people (although in a list of the 5,000 things that are most important to America, I’d have to rank this close to the bottom, even if it is on the evening news every night).

(2) Economic sanctions, including extending the de facto oil embargo and asset freeze that already are in effect.

And it’s likely that an oil embargo/asset freeze will work. Oil is 95% of Libya’s exports, and 25% of GNP. Libya has about four years of oil revenue in the bank, but with an asset freeze and economic sanctions, that becomes meaningless. Whatever the result in the streets, as soon as Gaddafi runs out of money, he’s gone.

But a no-fly zone? In the case of Libya, that’s a tactic in search of a strategy. The Yiddish word for it is “shmei,” roughly translated as aimless strolling around. A no-fly zone is basically just looking like you’re doing something to remove Gaddafi, at the cost of $60 million in a day (which was the cost of the first day’s worth of cruise missiles launched).

The last time we tried this, in Iraq, we had to sustain it for 12 years. At enormous effort and expense. And it didn’t bring down Saddam at all.

More fundamentally, a no-fly zone in Libya feeds the dangerous fantasy that every problem has a military solution. That the answer to the use of force is the use of more force. That if a hammer doesn’t drive that nail in, try a howitzer.

It was Mao Tse-Tung who said that political power grows out of the barrel of a gun. Do we really want Mao’s principles running our foreign policy?

Sincerely,

Alan Grayson

ADDENDUM:

The Daily Show - Odyssey Dawn
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

The Blue Speck

2011-03-12T19:58:00.002-06:00

Just think, this tiny little speck of a place in the universe is where everyone who has every lived...lived. Where everyone you ever knew...lived. Where everyone you ever loved...or not, lived. Where everyone you ever voted for...or not, lived.

It is an humbling thought, methinks.

Important Bulletin!

2011-03-09T19:45:00.003-06:00

The Tooth Fairy will be visiting this house tonight...with a silver dollar!

Updates expected.

And the answer is...

2011-03-04T15:43:00.007-06:00

French Renaissance writer, Francois Rabelais
(See the previous esoteric and lame post for the question.)

(c. 1494 – April 9, 1553) he was a major French Renaissance writer, doctor and humanist. He has historically been regarded as a writer of fantasy, satire, the grotesque, and bawdy jokes and songs.

Ah yes indeedy. I don't know about you, but I'm looking up the bawdy jokes and songs. Don't ever say this blog is anti-intellecual, not to mention crass. OK...anti-intelectual.

For those of you who are planning to participate in the class action suit, as I told Tom Harper...my lawyers (picture below), Dewey, Cheatem and Howe, will be in touch.

If you give a hoot, the quotes in the post were from, Pantagruel...Chapter VII

I Love A Mystery

2011-03-02T18:06:00.003-06:00

And this one has nothing to do with Sherlock...it is of a literary ilk.

My brother the joker, sent this one to me. Can you identify the author of the following lines, which are from the same book...I think...well...maybe?

One rule: NO GOOGLING!

Maybe I'll give you the answer tomorrow. BTW, it is only fair to acknowledge the originator of this game...the author, Jincy Willet...and that is the only clue I'm giving you Sap Suckers of Etherness.

* The mustard-pot of penance.
* The cobbled shoe of humility.
* The furred cat of the Solicitors and Attorneys.
* The Teeth-chatter or Gum-didder of Lubberly Lusks.
* The Ape’s Paternoster.
* The Fat Belly of the Presidents.
* The Merciless Cormorant, by Hoxinidno the Jew.

OK, they are obscure...so sue me, in the Courts of Waters and Musk Odors.

A Note to the Idjit Element of America

2011-02-26T13:39:00.005-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

As a worker in America, you can be sure that all of the following benefits (and these are but a few) are the results of the efforts of labor unions:

- 8 hour work day

- 40 hour work week

- Unemployment insurance

- A minimum wage law

- Anti-discrimination in the workplace based on age, sex, or race

- Child Labor laws

- Safe and secure working conditions in the workplace

- Paid vacations

- Paid sick leave

So why in the world would you support the end of collective bargaining? Think about it, the end of collective bargaining benefits one entity, and one entity only...the buzzards of corporate America...and they are planning to pick YOUR bones next. Seriously.

This is only the beginning. Coming soon, your state will be adopting ramrod legislation, as well...just like this:

The Pot vs the Kettle

2011-02-22T17:55:00.004-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

OPEN MOUTH AND INSERT BLUBBER.

The mechanized motor-mouth, Rush Numbnuts, criticized Michelle Obama's waistline today on his radio show (see link below the graphic for the story...that is, if you don't have to go reguritate).

"Maidenform, you got nuttin' on me" Or, "Victoria's Secret".

The article

Stormy Weather

2011-02-20T14:49:00.002-06:00

We've had an unusual week of Spring like weather here on the plain Plains. Today, rain and cloudy...but still relatively warm. A Billie Holiday kind of day.

And...I can't stop:

More, more, more:

There are worse ways to spend one's Sunday, methinks.

NotsoJadedtodayj

More on FOX

2011-02-18T17:31:00.002-06:00

AN OPEN LETTER TO ROGER AILES AT FAUX NEWS

As you read in my last post, Octopus over at The Swash Zone is organizing a petition drive to discourage sponsors from supporting Glenn Beck's madness over at Faux News.

In addition, he has composed this letter to the Chairman and CEO at Fox in an effort to have him pull the plug on Beck for us.

If you agree with this, fell free to copy and paste to your own site, then print out a copy of the actual letter and send it to Mr. Ailes.

Roger Ailes
Chairman and CEO, Fox News Channel
News Corporation
1211 Avenue of the Americas
New York, New York 10036

(Date)
Dear Mr. Ailes:

After the shooting rampage in Tucson that left six people dead and thirteen injured, you offered this appeal for civility: “I told all of our guys, shut up, tone it down, make your argument intellectually. You don’t have to do it with bombast.”

Weeks after Tucson, nothing has changed. Glenn Beck has turned up the volume on partisan hate speech. The poisoned atmosphere unleashed by Glenn Beck means any citizen - Democrat, Independent, or Republican - can be defamed in public and targeted for persecution. Beck’s messages provoke unstable persons to act on impulse, and events have shown that violent rhetoric leads to violent acts:

Prison Term for Man Who Threatened Speaker Pelosi:
Mother of Accused Man Blames Fox News

Renowned Professor Terrorized After Glenn Beck Broadcasts

League of Women Voters Targeted by Glenn Beck Fans

Two California Highway Patrolmen Shot by Glenn Beck Fan

Three Pittsburgh Policemen Killed by Glenn Beck Follower

There is no plausible deniability that can wipe the blood off Beck’s hands or absolve the Fox News Channel of responsibility for reckless incitement. Shooting sprees, murder, malicious defamations and infamous provocations … these have no place in a free society. When toxic television threatens public safety, all citizens of all persuasions have grounds for alarm.

Glenn Beck has crossed boundaries that should never be crossed. It is time to pull the plug on the Glenn Beck Show before more people are terrorized, injured and killed.

Sincerely yours,
(name and signature)

A matter of civil responsibility...nothing more

2011-02-16T16:55:00.003-06:00

I got this directly from The Swash Zone, posted by Octopus. It needs repeating and spreading widely. Basically, there is no real need for comment. This is a drive to get the people at FOX to take responsibility for the rabble rousing rhetoric of Glenn Beck, who is possibly the most dangerous man in America today.

Read the article...read the links, and join the effort if you feel so disposed.

After the shooting rampage in Tucson that left six people dead and thirteen injured, including Congresswoman Giffords, Fox News President Roger Ailes appealed for civility: “I told all of our guys, shut up, tone it down, make your argument intellectually. You don’t have to do it with bombast.”

Weeks after Tucson, nothing has changed. If anything, Fox News has turned up the volume on partisan hate speech. Fevered hysteria and conspiratorial fear mongering on national television are not harmless.

How quickly we forget the lessons of history. The bogeymen of 1930s anti-Semitism that morphed into the bogeymen of 1950s McCarthyism has morphed again into the mainstreaming of Glenn Beck Militia Theater. The message is clear: Glenn Beck wants to extort your silence, and anyone who refuses to capitulate will be targeted and stalked:

Glenn Beck, Self-Appointed "Progressive Hunter"
The poisoned atmosphere unleashed by Glenn Beck and Fox News means any citizen - Democrat, Centrist, or Republican - can be slandered in public and targeted for persecution. Beck pitches his messages at unhinged misfits who are most likely to act on impulse, and events have shown that violent rhetoric leads to violent acts. There is no plausible deniability that can remove this blood from Beck’s hands:

Man Shoots Two California Highway Patrol Officers:

Accused Gunman Acknowledges Influence of Glenn Beck

Three Pittsburgh Police Officers Ambushed and Killed:

Gunman Posted Glenn Beck Video on White Supremacist Website

Federal Prison for Man Who Threatened Senator Murray:

Glenn Beck Cast Spell on Accused Man, Says Family

Federal Prison for Man Who Threatened House Speaker Pelosi:

Mother of Accused Man Blames Fox News

Glenn Beck Fans Target Legendary Scholar with Death Threats

Death Threats Against League of Women Voters Linked to Glenn Beck

Murders, shooting sprees, domestic terrorism, private citizens hiding in fear, infamous intimidations and provocations broadcast on national television - all linked to Glenn Beck - enough is enough! When toxic television threatens public safety, it concerns everyone. Even prominent Republicans are becoming alarmed:

Former Bush speechwriter David Frum:

“[Glenn Beck] such people do terrible damage”

Former Bush speechwriter Peter Wehner:

“the role Glenn Beck is playing is harmful in its totality”

National correspondent for The Atlantic, Jeffrey Goldberg:

“a classic case of anti-Semitic dog-whistling”

It is time to pull the plug on Glenn Beck and serve notice to Fox News that partisan hate speech has no place in a free society. The strongest message you can send is to vote your pocketbook. Write letters to Fox News advertisers; tell them you will no longer patronize their products and services; and keep boycotting sponsors of Fox News until these outrageous partisan witch-hunts have stopped. Removing Glenn Beck from the airwaves will save lives.

Resources:
Visit the Drop Fox Website Here
Visit the Stop Beck Website Here

Endorsements:
Captain Fogg, Sheria, BJ, Octopus, Squatlo, Sue, Nance, TnLib, TomCat, Truth 101, Maleeper, Green Eagle, Kay, Shaw Kenawe, RockyNC.

Huevos Rancheros

2011-02-13T16:55:00.002-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Having traveled extensively in Mexico many years ago, I am truly glad that Mexican cusine has finally moved farther north than the border states. Here in Nebraska, really good Mexican restaurants and food stores abound. I am one happy gringo.

My family and I especially love those great Mexican breakfasts, such as Huevos Rancheros and Huevos Mexicana. Almost every Saturday morning we go to our favorite, El Chaparro (little dwarf...little hat, I'm not sure) and have breakfast. We like the food, the owners and the prices of this place. It is good, down home Mexican. It's modest and you know it's authentic when most of the clientele is Latino.

Just thought I'd try to capture a little of the "flavor" (intended) of El Chaparro with this very short video...hope you like it.

Chinatown

2011-02-06T19:53:00.003-06:00

No, not THAT Chinatown...this Chinatown. Stumbled on this cruising YouTube. It is a full-length film...so, knowing that most of you have a real life, I suggest that you just watch the first couple of minutes to get the feel for it...or, watch the entire funky thing. I'm not sure (I too have a life, and have not watched the whole film), but there may be singing...as in Bollywood. Just warning you.

God I love India...except for the call centers...and the snakes....oh, and the cows one can't eat.

The Basement

2011-02-01T21:06:00.003-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

This is the state of part of my basement at the moment. How about yours? Tornado shelter? Rec room? Bar? Unerdeveloped? Wine storage? The basement such as the one in "Arsenic and Old Lace? Strictly for tunneling purposes?

I've bared my basement soul...how about you?

Time for a laugh.

2011-01-20T20:04:00.000-06:00

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Oh really?

2011-01-16T14:08:00.003-06:00
"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Just to clear the air, and to once again point to the fact that in today's massive information society, one best be careful about what one says today. It might just come back and bite one on the arse.

From Sarah Palin's Twitter account, not so long ago:

Since only highly intelligent types read this blog...er, well...mostly, I am sure you picked up on the keyword in the twitter by the twit herself..."BULLSEYE".

As my friend Punch is wont to say..."Nuff Said".

Fowl Play?

2011-01-11T18:23:00.004-06:00
"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Beam me up and to the other side of the Galaxy, Gertrude...we're next.

HEADLINES TODAY:

Thousands of Turtle Doves drop dead out of the sky in Italy...with strange blue stain on their beaks...blue stains believed to be sign of poisoning or hypoxia - lack of oxygen that is precursor to altitude sickness. - Birds with ALTITUDE sickness? WTF?

Cold weather and overbreeding blamed for deaths of two 2 million fish in Chesapeake Bay
Just goes to show, punctuality is a virtue to take seriously...fly South early. No, wait...fish. OK, swim South early!

Disease behind deaths of 100,000 fish in Arkansas River
STD? Fucking fish...jeez. Worse than rabbits! Was this what the Roe vs Wade thing was about?

At least nine incidents of mass animal deaths across the globe
It's Obama's fault!

Hundreds of confused birds plummeted to their deaths in multiple locations in the U.S.
If God had wanted birds to fly he would have given them...er...nevermind.

Rapid movement of Magnetic North Pole towards Russia may have caused bird deaths
DO NOT TAKE YOUR WATCH TO, OR PUT YOUR COMPUTER NEAR RUSSIA!

NOT ONE DAMNED MENTION OF THE PARTRIDGE IN THE PEAR TREE!

Just do it!

2011-01-09T19:40:00.001-06:00
"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

"It's difficult to remember one came to drain the swamp when one is up to one's ass in alligators" - Barack Obama (not really...but it should have been)

I didn't even know I had a booty, until I first heard this song. But then...I shook, shook, shook it...probably way too many times.

You tell me

2011-01-08T18:07:00.004-06:00
"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

"It's difficult to remember one came to drain the swamp when one is up to one's ass in alligators" - Barack Obama (not really...but it should have been)

I have been debating for a few hours now about posting this. There have been so many other postings regards this dastardly event, all of which have presented it in a much more compassionate and intelligent way than I could ever hope to. Nevertheless, it needs to be pointed to again.

Meanwhile, I received an email from Alan Grayson, which I added after the graphic below. I haven't anything to add to all of the fine outrages...and especially to Alan Grayson's words.

A reporter called me a little while ago, and told me that Rep. Gabrielle Giffords had been shot at a public event. She is in critical condition.

I'm going to let others comment on what this means for America. I just want to say what it means to me.

Gabrielle Giffords and I served together on the House Committee on Science and Technology. She was the Chairman of the Subcommittee on Space and Aeronautics, and I was a member of that subcommittee. Her D.C. office was one floor above mine.

I saw Gabby dozens, if not hundreds of times, during our two years together. And nearly every time that I can remember, she was smiling.

Gabby is one of the most cheerful, charming and engaging people I have ever known. She's always looking on the bright side. She has something good to say about pretty much everyone. Bad news never lays a glove on her. She loves life, and all the people in it.

No matter what is going on in your life, after fifteen minutes with Gabby, you'll feel that you can touch the stars.

Everyone knew that Gabby would have a tough race in 2010. (She actually won with 49% of the vote.) But I always thought that if each of her constituents could spend that fifteen minutes with her, and see what she is really like, then she would win with 99.9% of the vote. (Same thing about Harry Teague of New Mexico, who lost, and a few others that I could name.) You would want her as your Congressman, because you would want her as your friend.

I know nothing about the man who shot Gabby, and what was going through his mind when he did this. But I will tell you this - if he shot Gabby out of hatred, then it wasn't Gabby he was shooting, but rather some cartoon version of her, drawn by her political opposition. Because there is no way - NO WAY - that anyone who really knows Gabby could hate her or hurt her. She is a kind, gentle soul.

My heart goes out to Mark Kelly, Gabby's husband, and the many, many people who love her. Gabby, we don't want to lose you. Please stay here with us.

Alan Grayson

SAY WHAT?

2011-01-08T08:50:00.002-06:00
"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

"It's difficult to remember one came to drain the swamp when one is up to one's ass in alligators" - Barack Obama (not really...but it should have been)

I received this from my Zen friend yesterday. I am still rolling in the aisle over this one.

Down - Prick - Meaty

2011-01-06T19:48:00.005-06:00
"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

"It's difficult to remember one came to drain the swamp when one is up to one's ass in alligators" - Barack Obama (not really...but it should have been)

My first post of the year...keeping it light...keeping it light and silly.

Pre Google, I used to wonder about, and try to figure out about...things. Of course now, one simply has to type in the word in the white Google blank space, what one is wondering about, and in a nano-second...50 trillion hits...everything you were wondering about that particular thing, is revealed...plus every porno site on the net related to the thing.

In the interest of exercising my old brain, and staving off the memory bank farts, I am going to present you with some of my wonderings which I refuse to "research" on the big "G". Maybe some of you know the answer...without...you know.

NO CHEATING!

A good friend of mine mentioned the other day that he was given a down comforter by his daughter for Christmas. It was his first goose down experience (no, no, do not go there people! Anyway, we are not talking sheep here), and he is impressed. Goose down is a wonderful thing, as he found out. But, I want to know...who was the first person to think of this?

There is no question that it wasn't Adam and Eve, seeing as how they were banished to the desert to wander for 40 years after the fall, and definitely had no need for goose down...or geese for that matter, but just simple leaves, of the olive family. Er, no wait...that was that bearded guy...wandering, that is.

Back to the geese thing. Whomever he or she was, he or she must have been sitting around, goose hunting, or watching geese by a frozen pond and "DING DANG HOT DAMN...those geese don't have on any animal skins thrown over them! Yet...they appear to be warm! " You know Ishmal, maybe we ought to stuff some of them feathers in our goat skins, and get all warmed up." "No wait...silly goosey guy" said Endora...let's stuff some of the DOWN feathers...IN THE LINING of the goat skins...instead!"

As all of you know, the rest is history and goose product at Land's End.

It does occur to me that possibly these same people were sitting around the next Summer, a tad hungry, with not much to eat but roots, and berrys and the occasional grub worm which wanders by...and suddenly "DING DANG HOT DAMN...look at them prickly plants over there...the ones we named Artichoke...I'll bet they would be gooooooood to eat, Ishmal."

But, they were wrong. They are not called prickly plants for nothing, you know? One of them had to seriously think this thing through. Pick em...cut off the tough part there at the end...and the pricks...put em in some water to soften them a bit. Not a helluva lot better though...just somewhat squishier...but less pricking for sure. God knows, we have enough pricks in the world.

They had to wait until the invention of...FIRE. Then they figured out how to boil prickly things in their ollas...(pots to our right wing readers). It was an ingenious idea you must admit...if not short on tummy filling satisfaction. But for fulfillment they still needed...MEAT.

Maybe, just maybe Endora was sitting there looking at her partner and thinking..."I'm wondering just how 'ol Ishmal there would taste with a little hogback, some roots and salt, boiled in a great big ol olla thingy."

Could have happened. You don't know.

Next on Banquet of Consequences - You and Cannibalism...or cannabis...or...que pasa, dude?

Gene Fuckyouberry

2010-12-30T19:14:00.005-06:00
"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

"It's difficult to remember one came to drain the swamp when one is up to one's ass in alligators" - Barack Obama (not really...but it should have been)

Of late I have been trying to avoid posting negative things, and thoughts. My very good friend (un-named here) reminds me on occasion that negative produces negative, and controls our being...consequently, we are not in control of ourselves. And he is correct. I am truly trying to exorcise bummer shit from my life...negative being one of them.

But...but...BUT...sometimes I backslide.

I received this letter in the mail today from "my", $174,000 a year, 75% health care insurance paid for by YOU AND ME...from day one, Reprehensible in the U.S. Congress, Gene Fuckyouberry (R) Neb.

I can't even look at a photo of this asswipe without getting mad. In my mind, he is the epitome of every thing that is wrong in America today. A lackey in the classical sense of the word. That is to say...a Republican politician. A, fuck you, I got mine shithead. FUCK YOU GENE.

Unfortunately, in Nebraska this trait is not limited to just Republipukes. We have a certain Democrat of the same ilk on board here...there...in la la land...D.C. His name is Ben Nelson...another asswipe of the 5 star class.

But this post is not about asswipe number two, Ben...it is about asswipe number one...Gene.

Gene, asswipe number one, included in the mailing, a cute little postcard with check off squares, the purpose of which is for me to inform him on what to work on next year. Uh huh. Whatthefuckever, Gene. How about...work on doing the right thing...for a change...asswipe?

Click on the photo of the letter below, and peruse (sorry, you have to click on it twice to be able to read it):

Santa Suey?

2010-12-24T07:59:00.009-06:00
"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

"It's difficult to remember one came to drain the swamp when one is up to one's ass in alligators" - Barack Obama (not really...but it should have been).

It is dang cold out here on the plain Plains today. A nice (tongue-in-cheek) sheet of ice on everything.

The cold freezes the brain. That is good I suppose, because it keeps the head from exploding...unless, of course one gets stupid and starts reading the news. In which case not even a frozen brain will stay intact.

However, it does induce one to start thinking about unimportant and silly ass things...such as...since China is not a Christian Nation, in the sense that the U. S. is (or is, as so many of our idjit citizens claim)(and nothing says Christ so much as Santa), then I wonder if Santa Claus, goes to China. And if so, this would put him there as one of his first stops. Not too long after bypassing Sarah Palin for Eastern Russia.

International Dateline

After much research, and two cups of Joe, I have come up with conclusive evidence regards this burning question. You be the judge.

Santa's Helpers?

Sure and it's Santa himself.

So this leads me to this question. Does Santa bring the same cheap, shoddily made, lead saturated toys...made in China...to Chinese boys and girls, that he brings America girls and boys? Just wondering.

All of this mostly silliness is by way of wishing all you who visit my ego trip here, SEASONS GREETINGS...peace and all like that there, dudes and dudettes.

ADDENDUM.

My brother's paramour is a Chinese Lady with whom he has been living for 12 years. She migrated here in the 90's, having been asked to leave by the Chinese government because of her participation in Tienanmen Square. She is a PhD Acupuncturist and has done very well in this country, opening up her own clinic in Orange County. Last year, she was sworn in as a U.S. Citizen. A big day for her. But of course, she still maintains contact with her family back in China. In fact, she is there now, visiting her ill mother.

When I went looking for Christmas photos taken in China for this post, I ran across the photo of the lovely ladies above...all amarching in arow. I forgot to take note of the origin of the photo. I wasn't even sure they were Chinese.

So I emailed the photo to my brother, who showed it to his...paramour. She knew exactly who they are. According to her, they are part of the "entertainment" wing of the Red Chinese Army. THE ENTERTAINMENT WING? WTF?

Having been a gung-ho, brave and gullible soldier in the U.S. of A Army myself, I can say...I do not recall an entertainment arm of our army. There is the USO, but it isn't part of the army. They have no uzis, AK47s, M16s, 45s or fur-lined pistola holders. And certainly, no fleshy showing, short shorts all amarching in arow. Nope, I am pretty sure we ain't got one.

Hot damn...I wonder if Mao is aturnin' in his grave. Now that would have made it worth participating in the Great March, methinks.

A Tale of Ginger Breadness...and...Treachery.

2010-12-18T21:45:00.002-06:00
"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

"It's difficult to remember one came to drain the swamp when one is up to one's ass in alligators" - Barack Obama (not really...but it should have been)

PART ONE OF THE TALE:

Why is this even a question?

2010-12-15T17:35:00.009-06:00

I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

"It's difficult to remember one came to drain the swamp when one is up to one's ass in alligators" - Barack Obama (not really...but it should have been).

A Yahoo Article today: Should U.S. cut its deficit by scaling back wars?

Er...DUH...YES.

Cinema Bella

2010-12-12T16:25:00.005-06:00
"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

"It's difficult to remember one came to drain the swamp when one is up to one's ass in alligators" - Barack Obama (not really his quote...but it should have been)

My brother was an Eagle Scout as a young lad. He has long since come to the conclusion that the Boy Scouts are a quasi-military organization, much along the lines of the Hitler Youth, but sans goose stepping. My brother was adamant as his son grew up that the kid never go anywhere near a BS meeting. Of course, when he and the boy's mother got a divorce, there wasn't much my brother could do to keep her from converting to Catholicism,...thereby exposing the kid to Catholic priests (those are not my words...those are my brother's words...exposing, I mean).

I can't really speak to the Boy Scout conclusion with any authority, since I never got beyond the Tenderfoot rating. It wasn't a like of smarts, per se, but a lack of drive...and the love of comic books...and...girls. That is, as opposed to Boy Scout Manuals...and commiserating with other boys on Tuesday nights.

Anyway, true to his Eagle Scout instincts and training, he still to this day, operates under the Boy Scout and U.S. Army OCS code...the code being the "Five Ps". I have not a clue as to how many times I, for one, have had to repeat this damned thing to an OCS Tact Officer back in my John Wayne days, when I was being trained to be a leader of men, and cannon fodder. Basically, the Five Ps are...Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance. Usually it had to be repeated whilst doing 50 push ups after having performed...well...poorly...and, it had to be uttered rapidly. If you couldn't coordinate the tongue with the push ups and became tongue-tied...it cost you 50 more.
Try it...fast. PPPPP, over and over and over. Get my point?

When I related this to my brother way back there in the rewind of my mind, he knew exactly what I was talking about. HIS 5P trauma however, wasn't accented with push ups.

In case you are wondering..."what the fuck is this dude, JJ rambling about?"...let me get to the point. My brother never puts off anything, ever. He's a get 'er done kind of guy...all because of that damned 5P code thingy. Consequently he tends to do things a tad early...such as, be at the airport 3 hours early...show up for get-togethers an hour early...or send Xmas presents a month early...the latter being the subject of this post. At last, eh?

We got our presents from him the first of last week (oh, yeah, he also insists that we open them immediately...which we did). Mine turned out to be something I would never buy for myself, being the cheap ass Scotch/Irish consumer that I am. It was a...Flip Camcorder. He picked up on the fact that our camcorder is of the 90s and depends on tape, as opposed to disks or internal memory. A dinosaur of electronics.

So, here is my first video...which I downloaded to YouTube, after fussing with it in Windows Movie Maker...a very nice little program!

Have a stiff drink...or something decaffeinated...or one of those Cannabis laced smokes, and take a look...HEY IT'S ONLY A FERKING MINUTE or so long...JEEZ.

BTW-the music is by the Aisha Duo and it's called, "Despertar". I sincerly hope they don't sue me...or the Cafe Arabica people for that matter.

I have to go take a meeting now. Ciao.

Frederico

In case you are wondering...what you are viewing there is the Operation Central of the Banquet of Consequences.

Annie Oakley - Not!

2010-12-10T18:26:00.007-06:00
"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

"It's difficult to remember one came to drain the swamp when one is up to one's ass in alligators" - Barack Obama (not really...but it should have been)

I just can't help myself. This makes me pee my pants it's so good.

There was a 1964 film starring Rock Hudson and Paula Prentiss, called Man's Favorite Sport? Hudson plays a well-known fishing expert who works for Abercrombie & Fitch Co. The problem is, he cannot fish. Not only that, he just isn't an outdoorsy kind of guy. He can't set up a tent...can't make a fire...can't find his way in the woods...and, he cannot run or even board a motorboat. He cannot even swim. In other words...he's a fraud, and Paula Prentiss proceeds to expose him when she finds out. It's a Drawing Room Comedy, taken outdoors.

Expose, is a good thing, methinks.

Why am I bringing this fairly unknown film up you want to know? Because I thought of it when I read an article in The Independent, sent to me by my brother.

It's about our own pistol-packing momma, 21st Century Annie Oakley, re-loading...Sarah Palin...sans drawing room...but certainly comedic.

Excerpts from the article highlight my amusement:

The Conservative blogosphere, usually a forum for cheer leading on behalf the Palin cause, was awash yesterday with suggestions that her outdoorsy image is an elaborate charade.

"I turned on Sarah Palin's Alaska and she just shot four maybe even five times at a caribou and missed," noted a typical comment on the Fox News host Sean Hannity's website. "Needless to say I'm not impressed with her ability to handle a firearm let alone aim it and hit."

Among the basic items of protocol blithely ignored by Palin as she set off into the wilderness in a Rambo-style headband was her failure to take practice shots, or check the sights of the rifle, which duly turned out to be off-kilter. She failed to carry her own weapon, relying on her elderly father and his companion, Steve, to lug it around. When a beast eventually wandered into range, Ms Palin left Chuck Snr to load the rifle, and discharge spent bullet casings.

"What a joke," wrote one viewer on Palin's Facebook page. "I was a fan before the show. No one who is a true hunter lets others carry their rifle or can't load their own shells. Sarah, you are a phony."

The Awl, a website which collated reactions to the episode, noted that, while being passed the firearm, Ms Palin immediately moved her finger inside its trigger guard, a breach of basic safety rules. After missing the caribou several times, she then appeared to panic and shot at the beast while it was still moving, a technique usually avoided by all but the very best marksmen.

On leaving her hunting camp one morning, Ms Palin pointed to the horizon and declared "Let's go west." There followed an awkward pause. "That's east," noted her father.

The cognoscenti was meanwhile perturbed that the fact that Palin seemed scared by her weapon, a small gun described by Chuck Snr as a "varmint rifle". Several times during the episode, she anxiously asked: "Does it kick?"

"What kind of a question is that?" wrote a fan called Brad Schegel on Palin's Facebook wall. "Doesn't matter if it kicks or not, you shoot it the same. That was a girly question, momma griz."

Even Chuck Snr's handling of his weapons drew criticism. "I was surprised to see him using the gun as a walking stick," noted one user on the Free Republic website.

"I do like the woman but think she needs some serious range time. I had the impression it was her first time firing a rifle."

Previous episodes of Sarah Palin's Alaska have already caused debate in sporting circles. On the first episode of the show, she went salmon fishing, but cynics noted that she handled a rod awkwardly and failed to catch a fish, despite being on a river chock full of them.

Here is part of it in video (btw-note that she has a FUCKING SCOPE on the rifle. Even not zeroed in, after the first couple of shots she should have hit something) (btw2-How does one pronounce Snr? Does anyone know? And...isn't that what some people do when they go to sleep? Just wondering.) (btw3-The test out here on the plain Plains as to a real pistol-packing gal is...can she change a tire? I want to see Sarah change a tire):

SARA PALIN'S ALASKA - SHE'S A GREAT SHOT. HAR!

God Gawd Almighty...PUKE!

2010-12-07T12:47:00.004-06:00
"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin"

It's difficult to remember one came to drain the swamp when one is up to one's ass in alligators" - Barack Obama (not really...but it could have been...or maybe should have been)

This article from the Atlantic Wire on Yahoo today. I copied and pasted the whole thing so you don't even have to link. I have highlighted the puke parts. Predictable, I know, but at least I am consistent:

Who's the Most Popular Modern President?

John Hudson – Mon Dec 6, 6:07 pm ET

WASHINGTON, DC – According to a new Gallup survey, President John F. Kennedy remains the highest-rated president in modern history. President Ronald Reagan came in second with a 74% approval rating while Richard Nixon remained last with 29%. The survey, published Monday, asked Americans "whether they approve or disapprove of how each [president] handled his job in office." Here are four takeaways from the new poll:

In Many Ways, It's About How You Leave Office, writes James Joyner at Outside the Beltway:

John Kennedy has become radically more popular in death than he ever was as president. But he's a special case: a handsome, charismatic fellow who was martyred in office. On the flip side, Lyndon Johnson and Richard Nixon were both essentially forced from office. ... Ronald Reagan was well liked, if polarizing. He took a brief hit after the Iran-Contra scandal but had rebounded nicely by the time he left office. But he's been virtually sanctified since, as not only the mythological hero of Republicans but the kind of GOP leaders Democrats pine for.

With Time, Presidents Become More Popular, observes Alison Harding at CNN, looking at the poll: "Reagan, Ford, Carter, and George H.W. Bush have all earned higher retrospective job approval ratings than the ratings they earned at the end of their presidencies. Lyndon Johnson, Nixon, and Clinton's ratings have remained about the same as they were at the end of their respective terms."

Bush Appears to Be Vindicated, writes James Hohmann at Politico: "Bush's 47 percent approval rating also raises serious questions about the wisdom of the White House's decision to relentlessly attack him in the months before the Democrats' historic losses in the midterm elections." The "rebound," he continues, also "gives some credence to what he has long said--that history will eventually judge his presidency."

Here's the Big Surprise: Carter and Clinton "The most noticeable change in this year's survey is the rise of Bill Clinton and fall of Jimmy Carter," says Bruce Drake at Politics Daily:
Carter had left office with a dismal 34 percent approval rating in a Gallup poll after his one term, compared to Clinton's rebound to 66 percent in 2001 despite the cloud over his presidency from the 1998 Monica Lewinsky affair. Clinton ended his term on a high approval note, thanks to a booming economy that offset the damage from the Lewinsky scandal. Gallup surveys at the time suggested that the public separated in its mind how he was doing his job as president compared to its opinion of Clinton's personal behavior (only 24 percent considered him "honest and trustworthy" in January 1999).

BUSH...47%...47%...What else is there to say?

Fire in the hole

2010-12-03T17:09:00.005-06:00
"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

I love hot peppers, and by extension, hot food. I can't get enough spicy pain. I once happened by an Oriental pepper vendor's stall at a food fair and she was offering free peppers to anyone who could eat one of the displayed ones. I can't recall the variety of pepper, but I think it was a Thai one, which are butt-sucking hot. Anyway, I picked one up and ate it...completely. The expression of shock and awe on her face was worth the next day after effects of bung suffering I endured. Needless to say, I got some of the hottest, finest "fire in the hole" peppers I had ever eaten...for free.

At this point you need a tiny bit of technical data...whether you are interested or not: A pepper's hotness is rated according to a standard called, the Scoville scale.

A jalapeño pepper, for example, scores between 2,500 to 8,000 on the scale...and the hottest chilis (up to now), such as habaneros and nagas, have a rating of 200,000 or more. That will clear out your sinuses, and many other holey places that might need cleaning out. Thank ya Heyzeus!

All of this leads me to an article I read today. A pepper claiming to be the world's hottest. It is a cross-breed of three different species and it's developer calls it the Naga Viper. It's Scoville measure? 1,359,000.

It is said to have the ability to strip paint, and is even being looked into for development as a potential weapon.

A quote from the article I read on Yahoo:

It's inventor, Gerald Fowler -- who makes customers sign a waiver declaring that they're of sound mind and body before trying a Naga Viper-based curry -- insists that consuming the fiery chili does the body good.

"It numbs your tongue, then burns all the way down," he told the Daily Mall. "It can last an hour, and you just don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. But it's a marvelous endorphin rush. It makes you feel great."
The phrase, "fire in the hole", takes on a whole new meaning with this beauty.

Because I can...

2010-11-30T18:48:00.002-06:00
Ramsey Lewis Trio..."And I Love Her". Wanted to share what I'm listening to at this moment. Just outright SMOOOOOOOOOTH. There's no other way to describe it.

Leslie Neilsen

2010-11-29T20:20:00.001-06:00
My hat off to a man who gave me many hours of laughter. You'll be missed by me, for sure: