Monday, May 17, 2010

Witness For The Prosecution

NOTICE-THIS IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY TONGUE-IN-CHEEK BLOG.

Many of you may remember my post about our new neighbor whose driveway butts next to ours, and who lives with three large dogs, and two cats...one of the dogs being a Pit Bull, formerly owned by her boyfriend who is doing time in Juliet (Illinois), having been transferred from Leavenworth (OK, the prison tidbit is relatively new, and maybe you weren't aware of that...sorry).

A few weeks ago she told me that her pregnant sister, who has a toddler, was moving in...and the neighbor and her dogs were going to live in the unfinished basement, with the sister on the main level...so that THE DOGS DON'T DO ANYTHING TO THE TODDLER.

Ten days or so ago, a red ford escort, packed full of clothes, front and back, appeared in her driveway. It has not moved one inch...I marked a tire with chalk..NO, NOT REALLY, JEEZ! I know this is the sister's car, because it has the same plates as hers...Nebraska City, over yonder next to Missouri...and well, hell...we know about them Missouri boys...and girls, Jesse and Frank, and Cantrell and his murderous raiders, and such.

Since I am home most of the day, I have seen nothing of the mysterious sister, or a toddler...and...the clothes are still in the car! If she is in the house, the duds she's wearing are getting mightily stinky, methinks (I don't even want to talk about the panties and such). On the other hand, maybe she is a nudist, who prefers the indoors. Could be.

Being a mystery novel affectionado, and having an overly active imagination, I have concluded that my basically quiet, but canine obsessed neighbor, has murdered her sister, chopped her up, and put her in a cooler/freezer in the unfinished basement...or fed her to the dogs...they look way damned fat to me...or, she stuck the poor lass in the trunk of her overstuffed car.



I don't know, maybe they are just waiting for Goodwill to come by and pick up the clothes. The problem is, I am not sure if there is a body in that trunk...because I forgot to put out the garbage this morning, and well, the odor could be body stink...or garbage stink. I guess I'll know for sure Thursday...the next garbage pick-up day. I will for sure have those cans out there by the curb!

I don't want to appear to be a busy body old fart, who is sneaking a peek through the blinds now and again, but hey, what the fuck.

I'm hoping the sister, or Goodwill, shows up soon, I'm just too busy to go down there to the station and make a statement and all. Not to mention that there are a couple of other suspicious neighbors across the street that I need to keep track of.

33 comments:

Punch said...

Juliet?? what about Romeo??
I need to read further? Farther?
More? Moor?
Juliet with no Romeo, and you are worried, you are paranoid. Son relax play with the dog, chill.

Ok, OK, she has, a sister who is pregent with a toddler??
I'm still missing something.

Smell??? Can't you smell that smell??
Trunk??
Damn//
Wait a minute??? Are you putting dead dogs out for the trash???
Do not, Don't, do not answer that question
later
peace and love and life and all like that there.

So a Red Ford Escort drives into the driveway and waits?? Does she have my number.
Is she a real Red?
Ford, or not? (wink) ya know, (I paid extra)
I hate a jip.

intelliwench said...

Damn, jaded...your neighborhood makes Bubbaville sound downright cosmopolitan. (Not the magazine, Punch).

jadedj said...

Punch---I am sure there are plenty of Romeos in that Juliet.

Son, there is a word for that thought you have regards the demised lady...Necrophilia. Ewwwwwwwww...sick, sick, sick...even for you.

intell---I wish you hadn't told me that.

mo.stoneskin said...

If you do go down to the station, don't mention the chalk - which you claim not to have used. They tend to treat suspicious-acting chaps like yourself with suspicion.

I wonder if the car has been in and out of the drive, but each time it returns they clean and re-chalk the tire, just to fool you. Tonight you should carefully place a little black dot in the chalk mark. Believe you me, next time you check the chalk will have no dot.

the walking man said...

it's an Escort for fucks sake, it probably is the only thing that died and the keys are locked in the car. Don't worry about the cleanliness of the underwear, you know a dog can lick anything clean.

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

bake some cookies and take them next door to welcome them to the neighborhood and for the 'newest little member'...that way you'll be able to see for yourself..

Tom Harper said...

Maybe she put her sister in the wood chipper. (I take it you've seen Fargo.)

jadedj said...

mo---a man after me own heart...black dot it is...wait, it'll be dark, how will I see the dot?

wm---this is exactly why I do not have a dog...or an Escort.

YELLOWDOG---That might require going in there. Besides I'd never make it pass my kids with those cookies.

Tom---I have. I re-looked (You Tube)...I think I'll skip our steak BBQ tonight.

tnlib said...

Take some weed over there. Better yet, bake some fancy brownies.

jadedj said...

tnlib---Shiiiiiiiiiiiit! Now there's a damned plan! Probably wouldn't make it pass my wife with the brownies.

Is it possible, dawgs on brownies?

Stephen said...

We need an update on thsi situation!

jadedj said...

Stephen---Updates are at Eleven, on the Twelfth, after the fifth.

corticoWhat said...

Read (or reread) "To Kill a Mockingbird." You won't sleep tonight. Or better yet rent "Neighbors" with Aykroyd and Belushi. You'll get some coping ideas.

jadedj said...

For some reason, a comment left by corticoWhat is not showing up here...at least on my computer. Here it is:
Read (or reread) "To Kill a Mockingbird." You won't sleep tonight. Or better yet rent "Neighbors" with Aykroyd and Belushi. You'll get some coping ideas.

cortico---One of my favorite films, but I never watch it right before bedtime.

Aykroyd and Belushi...two coping fools, of the good sort :-)

Mr. Charleston said...

This sister may be someone to meet. After all, being pregnant with a toddler is quite some feat. By the time the kid gets born he'll be in grade school!

Harlequin said...

the details are so impeccably conveyed.... your observational skills are obviously well honed, from days and weeks of diligent attention, no doubt.

I am comforted by the thought of so many citizen watch dogs like yourself keeping the assholes at bay. Bravo!

and, I look forward to the sequel.... if only to find out about the clothing donation ... and the smell.

jadedj said...

My comments section is still acting funky, here are two more:

Mr. Charleston said: This sister may be someone to meet. After all, being pregnant with a toddler is quite some feat. By the time the kid gets born he'll be in grade school!

Harlequin said: the details are so impeccably conveyed.... your observational skills are obviously well honed, from days and weeks of diligent attention, no doubt.

I am comforted by the thought of so many citizen watch dogs like yourself keeping the assholes at bay. Bravo!

and, I look forward to the sequel.... if only to find out about the clothing donation ... and the smell.

Mr. C---What the deuce are you talking about?

H---Binoculars and Smellablog are next.

Punch said...

Hey!!!!

To all who care!!!!!

The (the) Walking Man has quit!

To Wit: He said

http://themanwhowalksalonewalksfaster.blogspot.com/2010/05/because.html

Punch said...

We have lost a hero.
NO If's
NO AND'S
A WHOLE LOT OF BUTTE'S
shoot fire.

Doug said...

Dogs, kids, clothes and chalk,
How many were sneaking 'round the block?

jadedj said...

Punch---It ain't over 'til it's over. Stay tuned, bro.

Doug---What did I miss? Or is it that the caffeine I just put in my body hasn't kicked in yet.

Tami said...

Utterly, completely, absolutely hilarious! (LOVE IT!) ~ SunTiger

jadedj said...

Tami (aka SunTiger)---Long time no see. Danke. The truth is stranger than comedy...or something like that.

intelliwench said...

Bummed here 'cause I just saw WM quit.

Liberality said...

This is why I am glad I live out in the country. We have few neighbors around us and none of them close.

jadedj said...

intell---very mysterious, I think. It was, bam Sam, outta here. No warning, that I could discern.

Liberality---Would that we could also...alas.

Chimp said...

You could dress-up like a kindly old lady and bring them some shiny red apples? Did you see 7 midgets climb out of the car behind her sister? I know it's possible, I once saw thirty clowns come out of a little car. How do they do it?

jadedj said...

Chimp---The clowns are inflatable.

PENolan said...

Okay - what happened on Trash Day?
Or is that this coming Thursday the 27th?

Don't make brownies - your kitchen and your brownie pan will smell like bong water for days.

Also: I had the same issue with my comments last week, but since nobody had much to say, it wasn't nearly as noticeable.

My bet - something went wrong with the oven and everyone in the house is dead, unless of course, it's an electric oven. Alternatively, if you take a shower, the smell might disappear ;)

jadedj said...

PE---I forgot to put out the garbage.

Now you tell me.

Sorry about the lack of comments. I haven't been keeping up with my favorites the last couple of weeks, so now I feel guilty.

Also, have you tried nudie pics? With appropriate intellectual banter, of course.

I can't get in the bathroom to shower. My personal hygiene obsessive, hair styling, soon-to-be teenie bopper daughter has laid claim to our only bathroom with the shower. But then the smell from her tennies negates all other odors in the house.

PENolan said...

I haven't been keeping up with anybody either since about the time the man child got arrested. Between him and that preacher (who turned out to be more married than I thought)my head's been in a whirl.

Bella said...

perhaps it'll become a TV spot on "Hoarders" on A&E Channel! the horror!

jadedj said...

Bella---The only reason I know what you're referring to is, my beautiful, highly educated, sophisticated wife...watches that damned thing. And I get it by osmosis :-)