Saturday, January 10, 2009

Herb



I am not one of those guys who just had to have his seed manifested in maleness. What I mean is, I never felt a need to carry on my "lineage" with a junior me. Besides, I'm just not into standing around on Saturdays during halftime in the game, and tossing the 'ol pigskin around with "ma bouy", imagining that that's the old chip-off 13 years from now up there on the boob screen...makin' me proud.

When my wife got pregnant with our first child and we found out the fetus was a girl...I was elated. And then, when my wife became with child once more, six years later, and we found out we could re-use all those pink clothes,down there in the basement in boxes...I again was very happy...happy about the girl thing...and especially happy about the clothes.

I've always felt girls were probably much easier to raise than boys...even though I am one...boy...guy...a guy's guy...no, I am not gay...jeez. But, I have had the "girls are easier to raise" illusion relegated to the re-evaluation side of my brain. However, that's another subject and post.

So, here I am 12 years later living with 4 females, including one cat...none of which wants to go outside and toss the pigskin about. I should mention that we also have two other cats, which are male...both have been neutered. But they don't count because they are...gay...they, like dogs, daily walk up to one another and smell the other's arse, for a loooooong time...that's just not cat like...nor is it male like. (why is it that male cats are "neutered" and female cats are "fixed, or spayed"...I mean both are "fixed, or spayed" so they can't pro-create, right?)

The whole cat thing above has nothing to do with what I need to get off my chest. As the only male amongst these...females, I have noticed that I have become what I call, "herbalized". It starts with taking over the medicine cabinet in the bathroom...pushing my male things aside(all two of them), stuffing it with female type thingys, and brushes, and powdered puffys...and using my razor blade on tough-as-nails hair legs. It continues with the first time they buy green chat instead of Liptons Tea. And, it culminates in the shower. When we go grocery shopping, we come home with not only groceries, but, powered puffy things, stinky soapy soap, green chat and...Herbal Essence Shampoo. Now...I have tried unsuccessfully to find a manly shampoo...one that didn't cause people to stare that thousand yard stare when they get within smelling range of you. But I cannot find any such animal that costs less than one thousand dollars, U.S. My antecedents were Scotch/Irish...$1,000 U.S. for men's shampoo is not an option.

So here I am, smelling like a fruit cocktail, after shaving with a dull razor, and having taken a shower with "herbal soap" and "herbal" shampoo...unmanly like. And to make matters beyond endurance, even the little one, the five year old, the one who still calls me daddy and thinks I am the king of all I observe...even she balks when I suggest at the store, that we buy a really great big bar of Ivory soap, which one can not only wash one's stink off, but also wash one's hair...with out causing undue notice from complete strangers.

In conclusion, there is no justice, or symmetry...or kinglyness for me...only female smelly things and football.

10 comments:

becomingkate said...

Bill is the only male in our house. Myself, a 20 year old girl and an eleven year old girl. I buy Head & shoulders for the shower (besides my salon stuff) goat's milk soap, and different coloured razors for him (he gets double blade I get triple)
Next time you get your hair cut, but some Bed Head shampoo. That's manly :)

jadedj said...

becoming---well, at least you could eat the goat's milk soap...but, I'm not too sure about the Bed Head...does it cost more than $1.25?

intelliwench said...

This is serious, man! The cosmetics industry, being self-regulated, can -- and does -- put all kinds of carcinogens and toxins in the products that your loved ones are slathering themselves with. I recommend Dr. Bronner's Castile soap (almond is nice and not at all fruity) -- you can even use it to wash the cats! (Yes, it seems expensive for a bottle, but if diluted according to directions, it breaks down to about $0.15/gal, I think.)

Judy said...

Your entry made me smile. :)

Manly shampoo is out there,lol.

I think the almond is good in anything, also!

I don't have any "fruity cosmetics" but I do love musk and vanilla and almond fragrances.

CaptainMando said...

I know they make Old Spice body wash (mmm...), but you'll have to see if they make Old Spice shampoo. That's nice and manly!

jadedj said...

intell---Thanks for pointing out these perils. Actually, I've been thinking about this very issue and I've come up with a solution...one that is both inexpensive...and manly. We are simply either going to quit taking showers...or, we are going to dilute a bottle of scotch with water. I figure the whole issue won't really matter with the latter method...except of course to people we might encounter beyond the home...but, let them eat cake and get their own scotch.

Judy---Musk? Isn't that one of those animals Sarah Palin hunts?

Captain---I love Old Spice. Old Spice makes one want to go around saying...arrrrrrgh, me maties! Good suggestion.

KIT said...

I think you don't have to wait until you get your hair cut. Last time I looked, RiteAid carries Bed Head.

BTW, our male cat feels the same way you do about having to live with all the females in our household. When it really gets to him he goes out and rubs himself all over the most stinkiest thing he can find. Then he comes in looking entirely too satisfied with himself. Maybe I should just get him an OldSpice scratching post. That's a fragrance I love -- it says 'Dad' to me.

CaptainMando said...

I suggested it because I know Scott has the body wash and all I have to say is... ;o)

theredhead said...

I had to bring my own soap to my guy's apartment. I just hated using his. He has the same right to bring his stuff here. Until then, he will smell like lavander and vanilla.

jadedj said...

KIT---I do the rubbing thing myself...I just don't bring it in the house.

Well, I am a dad.

Captain---I couldn't ask for a more informed opinion than that.

red---This is one lucky guy.