Say It Isn't True! *TEARS*

It has been reported that...oh God...oh God...I can't say this...it's soooooooo fucking difficult...it's been reported that Bristol, England has been shunned by Levi Whatshis (no relation to the Levi, Levis...of tight pants and rivet fame), and there is a split afoot.

Oh no, wait...that's not Bristol, England...that's Bristol...Whatsher...the Alaskan also run's daughter, Bristol. And that would be Bristol's almost hubby-in waiting, Whatshis. Whatshis' dad, Keith Whatshis, told PEOPLE recently that his son is a devoted and "proud father." The problem is, moose season is almost over, and Levi Whatshis needs to get out there and spread his seed amonst the mooseys. He is pretty sure he has more seed, and he is damned sure, Bristol is not on the same moosey plate as he...large moosey breasts notwithstanding.

Bristol's mother, Sarah Whatsher, has been incognito since hearing the news, and is not pleased that Whatshis is cutting into her moose jerky business.

Keith Whatshis, privately reminded Sarah that they, he and she, were many long Alaskan Winters ago, caught in a moosey snow storm while beef jerking together, and did some seeding of their own. Dude Whatshis is threating to beat the living shit out of a certain almost father-in-law of his daughter...when moose season is over.

We should all be reminded that the bible tells us (Derotermer 3: 1492, verse e visey 6,9) that we should be wary of split footed Whatshes bearing seeds. Spit them out brethereners, immediately!

Afuckingmen, dudes and dudettes.