Wednesday, June 17, 2009

You gotta love em...

Corporate America, or Corporate anywhere for that matter. Let me say up front...this post is a bitch...a BIG bitch...a mother of a bitch...a, I-am-so-furious-I-want-to-send-somebody-a-large-gargantuan-Godzilla-bucket-of-monkeyshit, bitch.

This is how it started. Our cell phone account was originally with Cellular One, and we never had any problem with them. Then Alltell bought out Cell One, with whom we have had minor problems. Then Verizon bought out Alltell...and we were switched over recently. Two or three months ago we bought our oldest daughter a cell phone. Of course we had to sign a new two year contract. Then about 3 weeks ago, her phone went kaput, basically. My wife called Verizon, thinking they were going to tell us to take it back to the store. But, they said they would mail us another phone of the same model, and that we had seven days to return the older one, or be charged full price for it. While my wife was on the phone, they asked her to take the battery out and check the little white dot which turns red if the phone has "moisture" damage (did any of you know this? Take note, my friends). It didn't and she told them that.

A few days later, we received the "new" refurbished phone. I packed up the old one, but before doing that, I looked at the battery compartment thinking to myself, OK, the dot is indeed white. I AM A CAUTIOUS BASTARD. SEE? It was white. As white as my skinny arse. Pure...virginally, WHITE. Would I lie to my fellow bloggers? Not about my arse...the phone.

Before continuing with this shocking tale of greed and arrogance, let me wife is the epitome of calm, cool, and levelness, particularly when faced with arseholeyness. She works as a call center rep, and has to be. I on the other hand, love to get in arseholy faces, with verbal baseball bats and bad breath (which has served me well). But, this is why my wife generally handles matters that require calm, civilized negotiations.

A week or so later, a package suspiciously the same size as the original Sprint package came in the mail. WTF. I opened it. It was the phone I had sent back. A curt little note was included. It read, "Water damage present...warranty voided". Oh yeah...OH YEAH...OH YEAHMUTHA FOCKERSSSSS!!!!!

At one time in this country many companies had the philosophy that the customer was always right. In fact it was Sears and Roebuck's official motto, "The Customer Is ALWAYS Right". What that meant was, no arguing, no recriminations, no bullshit. If the customer was dissatisfied for ANY reason, Sears did it's damnest to rectify the problem.

I once had a tape measure that I bought from Sears. After about four years, the tip broke off, and it was probably from rough usage on my part. I took it to Sears to see if I could replace the coil. I was willing to pay for it. No problem said the clerk and he handed me a new tape measure. Now that makes for loyal customers.

"Sears, where America shops"...or used to.

This is no longer the Sears, or any other company that I know of. The corporate motto now is, the customer is ALWAYS WRONG. Get all the money you can, and fuk em. If they dare call our customer service, put em on hold for 30 minutes while they listen to insipid Muzak tunes by Lawrence Welk (look him up don't really want to listen to him though)

and if that doesn't drive them away, treat them like the dogs that they are. Let em ask for the supervisor, the supervisor knows how to get rid of customer trash.

This post is getting too long and too boring. So, to brevitize (now there is a great corporate type word)...after spending two hours on the phone with the Sprint bastards, they told my wife that their "research" into the matter indicates that the phone had internal water damage. Now, are you ready for this dear reader? Sprint then suggested that possibly our daughter had carried the phone IN HER POCKET, and perspiration penetrated the phone, thereby damaging it! (**&%@!@#$%^&*(

Numero uno: the white dot was...white, when we sent in the phone.

Numero dos: What the fuck kind of pieces of shit are you selling that can be "penetrated" by perspiration? What about humidity, or rainy days, or tears, or wet dreams. What a lot of batshittery!

We were told we could keep the "new" refurbished one at the full price, or send back the "new" refurbished in seven days to avoid the charge on our bill. Wait a minute...full price? Isn't this a refurbished phone? And didn't we send you our phone which was only three months old? FULL FERKING PRICE? Yes.

Fuk em. And fuk them.

I sent it back today, and included this photo with it...just in case there's some asshole in receiving, who sits there with a water spray bottle, opening returned phone boxes. Get my drift?

BTW---You are all now witnesses...take especial note of the little white dot on the lower left side of the battery compartent.


uamada said...

Mobile phones aren't actually mobile Jaded. to think that would be incredibly naive. The phone needs to be kept fully charged at all times, in a pressurized, climate controlled box. It is only to be removed from that box, under the supervision of 2 independent witnesses, preferably retired judges from out of state. Chamois gloves are to be used in the handling. Only handled in 30 second intervals, once every 3 hours. Obviously you didn't follow these instructions. You deserve all the trouble you got.

Punch said...

Uamada is correct jadedJ there is no Xscapeing that.

The (ahem) white dot is put there for the fools. White is a color. If too much red shows up in the spectroanalysis:

United States Patent 4703437
Apparatus for spectroanalysis which comprises a spectrophotometer, a first memory for storing programs for different types of unit data processing operations, a second memory having a plurality of channels for storing data, a keyboard containing a first group of keys for designating said programs, a second group of keys for entering parameters for data processing, and a key for selecting a multiple data processing mode, and a control circuit. Upon designation of a program for a unit data processing operation by one of the first group of keys the control circuit operates to process the output data produced by the spectrophotometer measuring a sample in accordance with the designated program, and upon selection of a multiple data processing mode and subsequent designation of programs for selected ones of the unit data processing operations by depressing the corresponding keys of the first group in a selected order, the control circuit operates to form a multiple data processing program for performing the designated unit data processing operations sequentially in the selected order and cause the output data of the spectrophotometer to be processed in accordance with the multiple data processing program.

well it's not white, any longer, is it Mr. JadedJ?

We have Rules, Mr. JadedJ, Rules.

becomingkate said...

OMFG!! Don't get me started on cell phone bastard pricks!

jadedj said...

O---so, wet dreams are a no no?

Punch---ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. *wakes up* Oh. Yeah...No officer, those are not MY zig zags in my car, ...I have no idea where they came from...and what funny smell, I don't smell anything---no, wait, what were you talking about Punch?

Kate---are you telling me that there are shithead, scumsucking, asswiping, pus-pimpled cell phone companies in Canada too????????

The Peach Tart said...

Oh hell it's late in the day and I haven't had my cocktail yet to cool out, so I won't even get started about fucking Verizon in Atlanta and my current phone drama

Doug said...

I just want a Samsung Instinct without paying $200 ( my current cost to upgrade) for it. I've served my time and I deserve it for a lot less than that.

jadedj said...

The Peach---FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. I read your comment and realized, that...SHIT for brains as they say. Me that is. For some reason my ferking head keeps plugging in Sprint, when I want to say VERIZON. It wasn't/isn't Sprint as stated above, but is VERIZON. We are commiseraters of madman cell companies, it would appear. Come back after a double and tell us all about it.
Crap, now I have to go change all thos Sprint things up there.

Doug---We all do. I am convinced that the garbage industry, the credit card industry, and the cell phone industry is mafia controlled. Next thing we know, there will be hits on those who do not sign their new 10 year contracts. I said it first.

PENolan said...

See - this is why I just pay my ransom and don't pay attention.

jadedj said...

PE---to what?

Harlequin said...

this was one of the best rants I have had the privilege to witness... I bow to you!
and can relate... although it is usually with some fella who has called me on the phone ( and often about a phone!! a tautology of truly absurd proportions)
I like your blog and will be back!

Anonymous said...

It just makes me want to kill people like that. They bet on wearing you down so that you'll just buy another one.

jadedj said...

Harlequin---thank you for the kind words. I do repeat myself repeatedly after I've already said something already.

Hurry back.

Dedene---a not so subtle scam.

Mr. Charleston said...

Jaded, it's clear to me that the Peach Tart has the right idea. After a Julep or two the world takes on a different flavor. It's in the serenity of a Goose martini and Monte Cristo that clarity comes to you and you realize the reason you bought the evil device in the first place was to keep track of your progeny, which can be done with an embedded GPS micro-chip thereby saving you the stress of dealing with those communications scumbags.

Doug... do yourself a favor and forget the Smartphone thing. I have one, it's a piece of shit, a smudge and grease magnet, and completely fails at performing it's basic functions, like being a telephone.

jadedj said...

Mr. C---we considered the chip thing, but decided the cats were our chip priority.

I'm thinking you probably put that Smartphone in your pocket, didn't you.

Mr. Charleston said...

Why is there a little trash can following my post? I'll bet it's a shit can and when pressed will flush me down the drain to Punch's place.

Punch said...

Exccuuuusssseeeeeee MEEEEeeeeeemeeeeemeeeee
shit flows down hill, I am a mountian.

jadedj said...

Mr C & Punch---that's a crappy thing for both of you to say.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Weird, my son's Verizon phone's display died, it's just under the year and he probably broke it, got a new one for free, no problems. But we went to the kiosk at BJ's, we didn't bother with no stinking call center. They are great ass-kissers in person.

jadedj said...

Fancy---probably has to do with where you live. We had the same good experience with Cell One. It's just that somebody at Verizon is lying...and nobody at Jaded's is. We probably should have just bitten the bullet and gone in...but it was after business hours and we were dah.

the walking man said...

I only say that you said the wrong words to them. all that was necessary to say first, was let me talk to your supervisor, then, let me talk to your supervisor, then let me talk to your supervisor until you got far enough up the chain where your call was transferred back to this country. Then the appropriate words were fuck you and your contract, stick it up your ass and make a hit on my credit report to which I will say it is a matter under dispute. To which they will have to reply in writing to said agencies as to their side of the dispute. If they do not reply then it is assumed that you are in the right. don't pay anyway...there are cases winding their way through the courts right now that likely are going to make all service contracts with cell phones illegal and void.

it also doesn't hurt to let every person you know that you will unrepentantly let every person who you come in more than brief contact with that their service sucks ass and they do not stand behind their product.

It takes a couple of hours but to be honest I enjoy playing their game and winding up being the slipper and not the slipee.

becomingkate said...

Yes, and they are insane, thieving assholes.

jadedj said...

Walking---this is why my wife does the talking and this is WHY I have a blog...which thousands, if not millions read...every day. The Banquet of Consequences is on the horizon for Verizon. ARE YOU LISTENING ASSWIPE VERIZON?

kate---do they not realized that you have a blog read by thousands, if not millions of people everyday?

Comrade Kevin said...

They all do it. Every cellular phone compnay is the same. Having worked that job before, it is entirely possible that the person assigned to that position had either been badly trained or had been so inundated with similar requests in a stressful job that they ceased to care whether they provided the correct answer or not.

Blame the companies for not hiring enough help and being obsessed with greed and profit. They're the ones raking in billions of dollars. They're the ones most worthy of your anger.

jadedj said...

Comrade---that is precisely who I am angry at. Employees attitudes are established by company hiearchy. But really, the primary issue here is not so much my loss, but the fact that American industry has decided that, as I said above, the consumer is always wrong. In effect they are saying, the consumer is always a liar. And that REALLY pisses me off.