Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Crack America


For all you dumb fucks out there (such as myself), I want to report that your egg-cracking trauma days are over.

Madison Avenue, even sans Billy Mays, who is still dead, has solved your worse culinary nightmare...no yolk! We are talking about all those EGG SHELLS in your food...because you...you stupid inept bastards....cannot crack a fucking chicken egg. We're not talking a damned ostrich, or dinosaur egg, not even a CrocoGator egg (more on that later)...no, a goddamned pissant chicken egg. Jeez! America is tired of it. Tired of the crunch in the omlets, the lousy texture of the cakes, the lacerations to the gums, the embarrassment, the psoriasis of it, and the pus/iness of it.

But wait, not only are your egg cracking mistakes a thing of the past (if you so chose) there's more. Your feeble attempts at lining up disgusting grease soaked pig bacon in the microwave, or whereever, are now a shameful thing of the past. Listen up, and note well.

Crocogator later, below the video.

CrocoGator: A cross between an Alligator and a Crocodile. The meanest reptile on the planet. One looks at this beast and asks the obvious..."I am looking at this, and I have to wonder, how does this thing do it's business?" The answer of course is, it doesn't...that's what makes it so mean...Vada Boom.

O.K., it's a lame joke...so shoot me!


Holte Ender said...

Once I get the EZ-Cracker (sounds slightly disgusting) it will be eggs, morning, noon and night, until my wife gets herself an EZ-Cracker Smasher.

Doug said...

Gee, I have never had all that much trouble with eggs, but it looks like a fun *Hey, look at this* kind of toy.

the walking man said...

I suppose cracking the eggs into a bowl and letting any possible shell pieces settle to the bottom is to difficult for this hurry up world.

When I win the lottery I am going to buy every gadget on TV that has BUT WAIT! after the initial pitch. Just because then I will have an unending stream of useless Christmas gifts to send.

mo.stoneskin said...

There should be no "Vada Booms" for that joke my friend, none at all. He does look mean though.

PENolan said...

Good Morning, JadedJ.
I have absolutely no comment to make about the cracker or the gators' business.

Mr. Charleston said...

Damn JJ! Thanks. Can't wait to get me one of them egg crackers. I'll be the fastest egg cracking Cracker in all of Baja Georgia. Man, hope I'm on Walking Man's Christmas list.

As to the gator joke... don't quit your day job.

Kyle said...

The EZ cracker infomercial is a hoot! CrocoGator not so much, but you can't make everyone happy, then you'd be a socialist!;)

jadedj said...

Holte---But wait! What about the bacon?

Doug---I don't think the thing works north of the border, er, up there...from here, up there, that is. And anyway, I thought Canadians had more sense.

wm---I don't have that many friends.

mo---Maybe this is why I don't have many friends. OK, none.

PE---Well hell, first I missed the good morning because it's now late afternoon, and then you leave me hanging even though I posted this piece just for you.

Mr. C---I understand from my sources that MOST of the sales of the egg cracker are in Baja Georgia. Surprised you don't already have one.

Whoaaaaaaa, wait a minute! Didn't YOU tell me that joke?

Kyle---A hoot indeed. This explains many things, since I AM a pinko, egg-cracking, socialist sumbitch.

intelliwench said...

Damn...wish I'd watched this before I baked my sister's birthday cake, the old fashioned way.

Yolk's on me.

Happy Turkey Day, J.

jadedj said...

intell---I realize that you aren't watching the But Wait commercials since Billy passed on, so how would you have know. I talked to walkingman, and one's on it's way to Bubbaville...he won the lottery. OK, it was a free ticket win, but I loaned him a cracker. Mainly because you are such a good egg.

Happy over-indulgence to you tambien.

PENolan said...

ball busting and egg cracking are not the same.

jadedj said...

PE---Har har har.

There is no question in my mind that there is a But Wait Ball Busting device out there for only $19.95, with an Emasculator thrown in to boot.

Harlequin said...

I really like this beast... it makes me want to embrace my inner beast; I will keep on cracking my own eggs, however...

jadedj said...

Harlequin---I thank you...and my crocogator thanks you. Sooooo, the joke cracked you up, eh? Sorry, I was waiting for someone to say it.

Punch said...

you have an Crocogrator???
Harlequin is a friend of mine.
Check your back?
just sayin'