Saturday, August 14, 2010

By some standards...a profane post

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

UP FRONT-If you are offended by a less than Christian view of the supreme being, you probably want to click out of here at this point. I warned you, and I will not argue with anyone about religion. This is my can keep yours to yourself.

I received an email from a relative recently. I should mention, this is a liberal relative, as opposed to my hillbilly relatives in southern Ohio.

Somehow I have misplaced the email, so I am going to paraphrase it.

"I was reading a report today about an Islamic controlled country where the women are not allowed in public with anyone other than their husband, or relatives. It's the law there. But often they get around this law by performing an acceptable act that is in the Koran. If a non-related male drinks the milk of a married woman, he is considered to be a relative, and then there is no problem appearing with the woman in public. Sucking her teat is an accepted method.

I am so disgusted with this that I have to say it is time the world understands that the Muslim religion is fucking insane, and out of step with reality, as are the people who practice it! I am beginning to believe that they really are a threat to us and our way of life.

There was more, but unimportant to this post. I really couldn't believe what I was reading. It was as if I had gotten an email quoting a page from the tea bagger manual.

I generally don't argue with crap such as this, but in this case, it is a close relative with whom I have discussed politics on many occasions, and he has always been in my column. He hasn't replied to my response as yet.

Here is my response:

Imagine come home and your mate/wife/whatever, who was made from YOUR fifth rib, tells you that she's been talking to a snake. The snake informs her (yes, the snake TALKS), informs her that she and you need to eat a certain fruit so that you can become powerful...just like that invisible entity's voice that talks from the sky. You take a bite, and immediately you realized that you have a schong...and that you are FUCKING NAKED. So now because you know you are naked, and have a Willie, you have to leave this lovely place, and take your bitch with you, and she and her descendants will bleed once a month for the rest of your kind's time on this planet, as a mark of HER shame...for making YOU eat the fruit of nakedness.

Several years later, one of the older (700 years or so) descendants is told by the voice to build a boat, and to stuff two each of EVERY LIVING FUCKING ANIMAL on the planet on the boat. Because HE the invisible one is sick and tired of your people know, fucking and such...and having a little Merlot at the end of the day instead of bending down in homage to the voice. Oh, and eating pork and shit.

So, he is going to kill every damned one of them by drowning...except the old guy who is in charge of building the boat, and his family. It never dawns on the invisible one to just strike their sorry asses dead, KABOOM, I guess. But hey, he's cool.

And there is imagine your wife comes home one day and tells you that she is an invisible FATHER force from the sky...and you...BELIEVE HER...along with several million other "believers" in the future...who spend a hell of a lot of their time trying to convince non-believers to believe in the invisible talking force in the sky...or, their asses are going to die for eternity, or maybe that was fry (repeatedly I suppose).

An entire religion is built around this woman's son and her "miraculous" impregnation. The "true" religion is so powerful in later years that it is able to send thousands into battle to kill unbelievers of the son and the voice in the sky...see, these dudes are living in the voice's promised desert land. Well, technically, the unbelievers are not really unbelievers...they also happen to believe in a voice in the sky, but THEIR voice in the sky is uh...different. See?

This great religion started by the followers of the risen from the dead (did I mention that? 3 days...dead...gets up, goes avisiting...yep) is so rigid it even eats on itself. At one point, it takes it's own believers and tortures them...and burns them...and does not tolerate any dissension in the ranks regards the voice in the sky's laws, because the voice in the sky told several people to write down his shit about how he would burn your ass if you question his shit.

The voice in sky even shows some of it's believers a land of gold and silver, and tells them to venture forth and kill the fucking natives of this land in HIS name if they don't submit to HIS laws...apparently the voice in the sky has not figured out how to talk to said natives himself...he needs intermediaries...and oh yeah, they can keep the gold if they want to.

Another of HIS nations, founded by landed gentry slave owners, is very adamant that we all acknowledge that HE is on OUR side because we have HIS name affixed to our money and pledge of allegiance. Anyone who disagrees with this, is vilified and called an unbelieving socialist traitor...oh, and they are going to burn for eternity for uttering these disagreements. Get thy utterances behind thee, sinner.

In the modern era, an entire nation which professes to believe in the voice in the sky, decides that some of HIS creations are actually vermin, and devises ways to exterminate them...millions of them...because the voice's shit in THE BOOK tells them that they killed the virgin's son, oh...2,000 years ago. Makes sense.

Buuuuuut, the voice is also on that other nation's side, because of the pledge and the money thing, and sends it's citizen soldiers to fight the other voice in the sky peoples who are gassing everybody in sight. However, they, the other voice in the sky guys, cannot allow their ex-slave black soldiers to fraternize with the white soldiers, cuz...hell, it's against the laws of the voice in the sky, according to religious scholarly opinion.

In short, did I mention the WHITE man's burden given to him by the voice? Did I mention slavery, which was the white man's right under the law of the word in the voice book?

And you are worried about some teat sucking Muslim Arabs?

This is the deal, bro...ALL RELIGIONS ARE OUT OF STEP WITH REALITY, and crazy as bat shit. What we really need to realize and do, is get this shit out of our lives...ALL of it!

I can't quite see the difference in batshittery. There isn't any really.

It's all a matter of one's perspective.

Here is the problem, you are approaching this from a western Christian point of view. A more humanist stance might be...who gives a shit. Let them fuck their goats and ban the female goats from the herd if they want to, and eat donkey dong for breakfast. Seriously, why do you give a crap? Where do we get off being the world's deciders of mores?

I personally find the snake handlers, and talkers in tongues in some Christian sects, and Bible hoofing Jehovah Witnesses a little shy of horse sense. So, let em suck a teat, or whatever.

I guarantee you, there are Christians right there in your town that would string you up by your gonads for your beliefs, and suck your wife's teats to boot, if they had the opportunity and the law on their side, IN GOD'S NAME. No question in my mind.

So what's the difference? I don't see it.


Doug said...

Are you channeling George Carlin?

It's 10 min long and you may have seen this before. It's one of my favorite pieces.

jadedj said...

Doug---Yes, and we, George and I, are going to meet on the other side to greet the rest of you fuckers, because that's who we want to spend our timelessness time with.

I love this bit. In fact, I love all of his ideas.

Jerry Critter said...

Profane? Yes, and profound too.

jadedj said...

Jerry---I love a fellow believer. Thanks brother...amen and pass the salt.

Jerry Critter said...

Pass the pillar of salt!

jadedj said...

Jerry...lisa has it.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Hahahahaha -- has he spoken to you again?

jadedj said...

DSWS---Oh hell no...I am on the top of the voice in the sky shit list. Mum is the word for me.

diane said...

First, I really think I love you now.
O.k., second, we are the only animal on this planet that cannot naturally adapt to it's environment. Has it ever occurred to anyone that maybe, just maybe, we don't belong here? Why do we have so much "junk" dna, when there are bugs that use all of theirs? Could it be possible that we were transplanted here a very long time ago, and are being fed the same old story again and again to keep us enslaved? That's right, again and again: the story of the immaculate birth has been told before, several times. This stuff sounds crazy, but it might make more sense than "the voice in the sky". (it's not a very mellow voice, is it?)

jadedj said...

diane---Ah shucks. All adulation is welcome...just don't tell my wife.

We not only don't belong here, we don't deserve to be here, methinks. We have truly fucked it up...the whole experiment. It was a test, and we failed miserably. Time to move on?

RealityZone said...

Well said. We failed. End of story.
I have always looked upon our visit on this planet as a test. Grade = F
Who in the fuck are we to judge anyone, or anything.
We can not even judge Self.

lisa said...

Better luck in your next life

diane said...

J, that's a very valid point about not deserving to be here. Are we a big group with all of our heads up our *sses or what?

Punch said...

I have a copy of the Revised Glenn Beck Version of the holey bible. (RGBV) I offer this wisdom.
Matthew 5:38-40
You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'
39 But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also, and say more please, motherfucker.
40 And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well, turn, slowly, show him your nakked asshole and tell him to kiss it.

jadedj said...

RZ---I think often of the last scene in the original Day the Earth Stood Still.


Punch---Yea verily bother mofo...I think?

Mr. Charleston said...

You left out an important part of the story. Let us not forget that the talking snake was actually a walking talking snake in the beginning. He was only made mute and limbless after the Invisible Man got pissed after he lured Eve into taking a bite of the forbidden fruit.

Since this whole tale is supposed to be a parable it seems to me it bears further scrutiny. Who was this snake and exactly what was the forbidden fruit?

Beats the shit out of me, but I do know that to this day, women have an inordinate, almost primal, love hate relationship with snakes and that most men are just as big a dumbass as Adam when it comes to trusting women and that all men, whether Christian of Muslim or whatever, love sucking teats and will go to all kinds of extremes to do so.

So there you have it. On the sixth day, the Invisible Man looked at what he had created and saw that it was good.

RealityZone said...

One of my all time favorite movies.


Did I ever tell you that the Goddess and I love you?...if not..we're doing so now...

tnlib said...

diane: "we are the only animal on this planet that cannot naturally adapt to it's environment."

I might make one exception and that is the Native American. Too bad the white man didn't learn from him.

Liberality said...

Granted, both of these obnoxious religions need to be downgraded severely. I have no quarrel with you there. I think the point though is that women over there have to do crazy shit just to get the fuck out of their house. Not that women over here have it so much better, unless they are lucky...

jadedj said...

Mr. C---Yet another take and interpretation on this overly analyzed fable.

RZ---Same here.

YDG---You didn't. You have. You do? Shucks.

tnlib---I did neglect to mention them didn't I? As shameful a treatment of people as has ever occurred. And they indeed were in touch with the earth. Thank your for making that point.

Liberality---No argument there. But think about it, women being treated equally (supposedly) in this country is a 20th Century development. No Berkas for sure, but many a woman has been beaten un-mercilessly in this country under the guise of a man's rights in GOD'S still happens for that matter. Stone tossing at others, no matter the rational, is still stone tossing, methinks :)

TRUTH 101 said...

If you look at the big picture it really just shows that Muslims breast men. I don't hold that against them. Hell, the Mormans came up with their religion so dirty old men could marry teenage chicks.

My problem isn't with religion and the responsibly religious. It's with the creeps who twist it for their own selfish purposes. Be they power or sex. It never seems to be for the glory of God.

jadedj said...

TRUTH 101---I yield to that thought which was my underlying theme here, but it should have been the primary theme. Thanks.

The Plashing Vole said...

Perfectly done. All religions have irrationality at their cores. They also all have insane fanatics and moderates. They all go through phases of wanting to kill everyone else and phases of wanting to kill sections of their own believers.

They all have loudmouths, and they all have massive groups of people who don't really take it seriously, can't be bothered to attend mosque/church/synagogue/temple, or who ignore the dietary rules.

But we've all decided that the most insane Islamists get to be the ones who define that religion for the West, which seems a little unfair. After all, nobody believes that Phelps's church is representative of Christianity.

There's a fuss at the moment here in Europe about Muslim women covering up (which confuses certain national cultures with religion) - nobody mentions that Catholic women had to wear veils in Catholic churches until the 50s, or that Romanian Orthodox women aren't allowed into church when they're menstruating.

I've no time for religious belief, but even less for the kind of bigotry you've uncovered here. They all need a dose of Bill Hicks.

Chimp said...

You relative's fear of Muslims reminds mne of the US South's fear of blacks. Most of my 3 years in the US Army were served in Fort Hood, Texas from 66 to 69.
While there, I was invited to join a national fraternal organization. I immediately noticed that all were white. Shortly, they advised me that Negros were taking over the US Army and eventually, would take over the USA. Forty years later , outside of getting a Negro president, I don't see blacks taking over our countrry or the military services. Maybe it'll take another 40 years?

jadedj said...

Plashing---A dose of Bill Hicks with some George Carlin thrown in for emphasis.

Chimp--Sorry to hear about your stint at Ft. Hood, it was considered just a cut above Ft. Stewart, Georgia...mosquito hole of the world. Although I will say, either one was preferable to that other U.S. Army Base over there in SE Asia during those years...believe me.

Yep, I remember that junk being spread around then...and, their Aryan sons are continuing the same black boggieman crap today, disguised as patriot tea baggers.

Tom Harper said...

You have offended my devout Christian beliefs :)

I have an uncle (from my wife's side) who's one of those Biblehumping fanatics. His phone calls and e-mails are always punctuated with quotes from the Bible. He stops by for a short (thank God) 1-day visit about once a year. My wife hates these visits; he's an asshole even aside from being a Biblewipe. I just tune him out, but she keeps saying "this time I'm just gonna tell him not to visit here any more."

jadedj said...

Tom---Har! Good one.

It's amazing isn't it...they just don't know when to shut the fuck up.

Professor Chaos said...

That was awesome! But seriously, that teat-sucking thing, that's just creepy. Not as creepy as a talking snake, but still. . .

intelliwench said...

Once I figured out that man created god in his image, I stopped worrying about all this stuff.

jadedj said...

Professor Chaos---I didn't say I was AGAINST it.

intell---That's a point well taken. I never could reconcile that particular one...I mean, why would God look like a man? Especially a man with a scraggly white beard. Wouldn't IT be a gas or something? Maybe even neon.

Harlequin said...

nicely done; i think we used to call this show, no need to tell ( ??)

jadedj said...

Harlequin---I never will.

PENolan said...

Re: Berkas
Women here don't wear them because in the West, men want to look at our tits. Here women get fake tits and display them frequently.

Jaded, I'm reading Asimov's Foundation series again. His presentation of the way governments use religion to manipulate the masses is brutal and brilliant. Yours is pretty good too.

Chimp said...

Are you saying that Jaded is not "brutal and brilliant"? Just slightly brutal and brilliant? More brutal, less brilliant? No comment.

jadedj said...

Tricia---Bad week here. Sorry for the delay in replying.

You have to admit, tits are somewhat than Berkas. When I try to imagine what lies beneath the Berka, I conger up an image of the circus bearded lady, mostly.

On the other hand, too many tits exposed, sort of takes the fun out of it...manly speaking, that is(I am sure Mr. Punch will expound on that the negative).

Chimp---Are you referring to sexual preferences? No comment.

PENolan said...

I notice you forgot all about Isaac Asimov while you were mulling over tits and bearded ladies.

jadedj said...

Tricia---You are far too observant. In fact, I did not forget. Issac and I are going to meet on the other side with Jim Morrison, et al, and discuss tits...Novas (not the car)...and Big Bang thingys, not to mention religious and lay rough sex. I just didn't feel it was apropos to the conversation.

Chimp said...

No comment.

jadedj said...

Chimp---when the time comes, feel free to join us.