Thursday, September 9, 2010


"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

An old friend of mine is flying in on Saturday for a week long visit and I will probably be scarce here on the blog for that week. I haven't seen him in 15 years.

At any rate, he made his reservations a couple of months ago. Neither he nor I really made any special note of his fly date, until it dawned on us yesterday...the anniversary of...9ferking11!

Holy shit twobaggers...this could be serious, especially since he can't get his dough back. And more to the pointy point, after we have scrubbed this ferking house down to hide the fact that we NEVER scrub this house down...unless we smell health inspecters snooping around in the neighborhood. But, even that doesn't phase us much since we have three dogs, two cats, and a possible dead body in a Ford Escort trunk parked in our adjoining driveway, living next door (see this old post for clarification...or not).

We have decided the scenario could go in one of many directions.

Approximately 1200 miles is the distance he'll travel...medium long flight...certainly long enough for...well, you know. However, even though where I live is on a map, it's not exactly in daily headlines...except during crazed football season, of course. So, not too likely that suicidal zealots would want to take over the plane and crash it into a cornfield...or my house.

There IS the National Roller Skating Museum, and the Giant Rooster (8 feet) at Lee's Restaurant out there on west Van Dorn Street, but nothing worthy of national outrage if it were taken out. Besides, Lee's chicken is pretty damned good. Can't vouch for the Roller Skating Museum, though.

Most likely the spot would be somewhere between here and there...oh, such as...Branson, MO. Yep, great target.

Best I shut up about that...don't want to give them any ideas...I mean, everyone knows THEY don't have any ideas.

The conclusion we have come to is as follows:

Since my friend has a very Taliban type beard (see recent photo of my friend below) which he has been playing with and cultivating for about 93 years (fuck you Gillette)

...and since he is an accomplished, kick-ass, in-your-face-photographer (eat your heart out Mr. Charleston) who never travels without his 1,000 shots per minute Nikon with the mother of all mother telephoto lens which can take a picture of a rat's ass from 1200 miles away, in your basement...and given that he is slightly tan from sitting out in the Sun, in his backyard, taking telescopic gratuitous butt shots of young ladies at the beach...THREE miles away from his backyard!

What is most likely going to come down...he is going to get held up by our crack, Rent-A-Security apparatus at his originating airport. In fact he is possibly facing a trip to the eastern tip of Cuba. And, I will be sitting at the airport waiting for his arrival until next 9/11 anniversary.

My advice to him was, demonstratively pray a lot, IN THE NAME OF JESUS, out loud, while in the airport...wear one of those little waving American flag pin thingies like Obama's, on his tee-shirt, which says, Morans...and talk to strangers about how he gave the Reverend asswipe down there in Gainesville, Florida the idea to burn all them damned Kooooorans...and...brush up on his Spanish.

There is nothing else I can do for the man....but pray...nah!


Sue said...

BWAHaaaaahaaaaa! You are a hoot JJ! Scrub the house down? Your wife is a lucky woman to have you to help do the scrubbing! Oh too funny! Your friend will get there fine I'm positive of that, Hope you all have a fabulous time!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

We flew back from England last year on 9/11. Kind of a creepy feeling but we made it, obviously. Have fun with your friend! And enjoy your clean house!

Punch said...

I can only assume that you really do have a friend that is coming to visit with you. I say assume because I can only take you at your word. I say take you at your work because I can only assume to take you at your word when you say you have a friend coming to visit you in NEBRASKA!? Hell, No one even knew of NEBRASKA! 'til the Boss cut that album.
Damn Oklahoma had a Broadway musical written for it, Arkansas produced a president with hummers, South Dakota has mount Rushmore, Colorado has Telluride, Wyoming has coyotes, Missouri and Kansas both have Kansas City, Iowa has…, ok, I’ll spot you Iowa, but NABRASKA!
Yea right, Home of the National Museum of Roller Skating, Lincoln Nebraska. Jumpin Jehoshaphat!! Ohh when you’re done with that little piece of joy I’m sure he will want to go over to the Lester F. Larsen Tractor Test & Power Museum. Boy Howdy, who could pass up a shot at those two, staggering’ challenges to the male intellect? I would love to be a fly on the shirt of these two rubes.

So going on the ASSumption, that he really did book that flight and not just tell you that, knowing full well, unlike you, that it was the 9th anniversity of Plane Flying into tall buildings, there is one in Lincoln, sos that he could tell you, Oh Man! Damn It is hell getting through the security, I don’t know if I’m gonna make that flight, buzz, humm crakelell pop, ‘sheeeiittttt hyour break up alkd I n’t kkk dh yo… I’ll ca k n n later. Dead beat is probably already on a slow boat to Bimini for the next week. Laughing with some tan, toned, nubile brunette who not only knows her way around, but that no man is an island.

But hey, in a moment of peace and harmony, I’ll assume he is coming and you did not waste a scrubbed residence on a no show, and wish you and he, the best of times renewing old friendships.
It is not the frequency of the visits but the quality of the friendships that count, when it is all said and done.

BTW, tell you friend the four S’s, to s**t, shave, shower, shampoo and dress that wound, they’re gonna body search him.

Punch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Punch said...

like F*&^+$g like comF&%$#@gputers.
Don't ask, I won't tell.

jadedj said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jadedj said...

Sue---Wait, did I say we? Should read...she...and the children...and the cats...well, one of the cats...the other one is a sorry, lay about on daddy's lap and be stroked...sipping Moosehead Lager.

DSWS---It is kind of creepy, isn't it? Enjoy? Hell no, we're getting a motel room, no way are we going to mess up this damned albatross of a house. The friend and the cats are on their own.

Punch---Albeit an incomplete list, but off the top of my head:

Lakota Nation
Pony Express
National College Baseball World Series
Henry Doorly Zoo
The Arbor Foundation
The Gallup Poll, Lincoln/Omaha
Joslyn Art Museum, Omaha
Stratigic Air Command
Pawnee Tribe
Otoe Tribe
Girls and Boys Town
Fred Astaire dancer, actor, Omaha
Max Baer boxer, Omaha
Bil Baird puppeteer, Grand Island
George Beadle geneticist, Wahoo
Marlon Brando actor, Omaha
John Brown's Cave, Nebraska City
William Jennings Bryan, Lincoln
Warren Buffett investor, Omaha
Dick Cavett TV entertainer, Gibbon
Montgomery Clift actor, Omaha
James Coburn actor, Laurel
Corncob Dolls
Cushman Motor Scooters
Sandy Dennis actress, Hastings
Mignon Eberhart author, Lincoln
Harold Edgerton inventor, Fremont
Ruth Etting singer, actress, David City
Henry Fonda actor, Grand Island
Gerald Rudolph Ford U.S. president, Omaha
Jay W. Forrester inventor, Climax
Bob Gibson baseball player, Omaha
Hoot Gibson actor, Tememah
Howard Hanson composer, conductor, Wahoo
Leland Hayward producer, Nebraska City
David Janssen actor, Naponee
Susette La Flesche artist, Omaha
Francis La Flesche ethnologist, Omaha
Frank W. Leahy football coach, O'Neill
Malcolm X civil rights advocate, Omaha
Irish McCalla actress, Pawnee City
Dorothy McGuire actress, Omaha
Mutual of Omaha
Nick Nolte actor, Omaha
God himself, Tom Osborne, Retired Head Coach U of N, National Football Champ producer, two years back-to-fucking-back.
The Oregon Trail
Roscoe Pound educator, legal scholar, Lincoln
Red Cloud Indian rights advocate, leader
Reuben Sandwich, originate in Omaha
Edward Ruscha, artist, Omaha
Mari Sandoz author, Sheridan Cty
Standing Bear Indian rights advocate, leader
Inga Swenson actress, Omaha
Robert Taylor actor, Filley
Vice Grip, DeWitt (moved to fucking China in 2008)
Paul Williams singer, composer, actor, Omaha
Don Wilson announcer, Lincoln
Julie Wilson singer, actress, Omaha
Woodmen of the World
Darryl F. Zanuck film producer, Wahoo
...and, Ben Nelson, turncoat, asshole extraordinaire...Insurance corporation payee.

I am sorry you have no friends. But I really want to know what was it...the butt shot? The Rooster? The praying? The fact that the judge ruled against you in court today? What?

Punch said...

Hoot Gibson?


I'll be watching the news for him

jadedj said...

Punch---Yeah man. I especially liked his hat.

YDG---No noose is good noose.

Tom Harper said...

Tell him to wear a gray suit and tie and be carrying a briefcase and copies of the Wall Street Journal, Business Week, US News & World Report, etc.

And hopefully a laptop that's tuned in to constant Dow Jones updates. He can sit there exclaiming "Exxon is up again! All right!" "Come on Halliburton. Yeah!"

boomer bob said...

Do the Corn Cob Dolls vibrate???

SHIT!! I'm still pissed the Huskers moved to the Big 10. The Big 12/Big 8/Big 2, whatever it's called now, games just aren't going to be the same.

Chimp said...

Wearing a flag on one lapel and an "I heart Sarah" button on the other would help. A bible would be good reading material. Maybe even a big cross hanging on his chest. Tell him to write his shopping list on one hand in permanent ink. A hard hat with the beer can holders would add a good all-American touch. Maybe one of those big sponge hands with the pointing finger. A Hawaiian shirt, yes, a Hawaiian shirt. And, cowboy boots. Definitely a walkman on his head with an MP3 with all of George Bush's speeches on it. He'll make it. Just in case, tell him to take a Spanish-English dictionary. Cubans love it when you try to speak their language.

jadedj said...

Tom---I presented these excellent suggestions to him and he informs me that he would rather be water boarded, and have his infidel eyes gouged out than wear a tie...unless of course it had a nice paisley print, or tie-dye motif.

Looking as if he will soon be in the market for a seeing eye dog. Hmmm, maybe my neighbor can help with this.

boomer b---Hold on, I'll ask my wife. Never mind.

It's just a game dude, some of us win...some of you lose. Big Ten...big dick, doesn't matter, it's all the same. In the end, we're all still worm chow.

Chimp---My friend says, as long as there is no tie involved...or worms. Wait a minute...hold it pal...Hawaiian Shirts? Are you making fun of my extensive collection of Hawaiian Shirts...and authentic Western rattlesnake skin, Tony Lama, silver tip, kick-ass, Gilley's mechanical bull riding boots...from the El Paso Collection? Is this what you are referrin' to? Because if you are, I want to tell you that I once had an American Airlines Stew sit down next to me, as we were descending into LAX, buckle up, and right up front say, "Those are some hot ass boots and Hawaiian Shirt you're wearing there big boy." She then proceeded to tell me about how she lived out in Malibu with some other stews and was giving a party that very weekend and only hotass people...such as moi...were invited and would I like to come and if I did to make sure to wear them dangass boots and flower shirt and here's my phone number if you would like to talk about it sooner. Unfortunately, seeing as how I was married at the time...and seeing as how my wife was waiting at the gate...I decided that the paper with the phone number was begging to be eaten...I did...because indigestion is the better part of valor, or some such BS. But the boots and the shirt were worth every damn dime I paid for my ego. So don't be talking trash about my boots and flower shirts, Roy.

Heidi Germanaus said...

I wouldn't worry....doubtful that they'll attack with our own planes again. Pretty sure they'll poison our water or air.

PENolan said...

If I were in charge of the next terrorist attack, I would take 20 suicide bombers and send them to Walmarts and Home Depots in secondary media markets across the country. Places like Denver, Albuquerque, Cleveland, etc. Lincoln, Nebraska would actually be a good location. Synchronize their watches and at the same exact instant on some innocuous Sunday afternoon, and Ka-BOOM from coast to coast. Middle America would be sealing the windows with duct tape for a generation.

Happy September 11th.

Harlequin said...

funny stuff; you do commentary and visuals with marvelous panache!!
hope the friend arrives unscathed and that you have a grand time ....

jadedj said...

Heidi---He arrived.
Air OK.
Water questionable, switching to wine.

Tricia---Now I'm switching to bourbon.

Harlequin---On the rocks. Salud!

Chimp said...

Yep, the cowboy boots and the Hawaiian shirt did it! Didn't need all that other stuff. Glad he made it in one piece! Happy September 12th!

Shrinky said...

Wheyhey, I'm not the only one who funigates my house before visits! (In truth, not many folk visit, kinda' of a relief.) So, curious minds want to know, did your friend actually evade being body-searched at customs, or having his flight diverted into the giant rooster?

Land of shimp said...

Here's hoping the "I'm flying with Jesus!" mode of operation landed your friendly safely on your friendly (and evidently sparkling clean) shores.

I shall spend the rest of the day making up possible reasons for the body in the Escort. Such an ignoble way to go. Stored for eternity in a broken economy car. I love it. "Funeral expenses being what they are, 'twas cheaper than a coffin."

Oh, I may read the real story, but for right now? I'm making up my own. One of them involves three waffles and a giant vat of boiling syrup. Crazed dentist optional.

I hope you have a blast with your friend, and thank you for making me laugh.

jadedj said...

Chimp---Also the corn cob hat (with corn) I sent him probably didn't hurt his cause...not to mention the Pileated Woodpecker.

Shrinky---He was only slightly probed...there is always the return flight, however. Mr. Rooster is manana.

LoS---HOW did you know about the crazed, syrup covered dentist? By the way, he had his flying spaghetti monster pin with every time...see:

Punch said...

I have made the mistake of re-visiting your site today. I perchance re-read your “-Albeit an incomplete list, but off the top of my head:” and noticed a few (few) interesting associations. To Wit:

Bill Baird puppeteer, Grand Island - You are in the middle of the united states with a Grand? island? I don’t think so.
John Brown's Cave, Nebraska City- Is the molding John Brown I learned about in elementary school?
William Jennings Bryan, Lincoln- Where is he now that we need him, again?
Corncob Dolls- Too many choices to decide upon just, one to put out.
Mignon Eberhart author, Lincoln- this name surely was made up off the top of your head.
Gerald Rudolph Ford U.S. president, Omaha- don’t believe I’d have told that, brother.
Bob Gibson baseball player, Omaha; Hoot Gibson actor, Tememah- Two Gibsons? why not claim Billy while you are at it?
Susette La Flesche artist, Omaha- you made her up on the fly.
Francis La Flesche ethnologist, Omaha-Oh come on now, make up a new last name.
The Oregon Trail- the Oregon Trail? Oregon? trail? Please, Oregon? Why not just call it the Nebraska trail and get on with it?
Reuben Sandwich, originated in Omaha-of course!
Edward Ruscha, artist, Omaha- a bright light on a dark prairie.
Inga Swenson actress, Omaha- got off the bus to Minneapolis too soon.
Woodmen of the World-on the great plains, what kind of a rube do you think I am?

Court ruling.
BTW, speaking of court, I see you did not mention Charles Starkweather, Caril Fugatemention.

jadedj said...

Punch---There is no "mistaken visiting" to this site, brother. Mr. Diety lead you here. Even rube's deserve a second chance, and Mr. Diety is that kind of Supreme. So, carefully reconsider all of the above whicheth cameth outeth of thou moutheth and thanketh Mr. Diety for the opportunity to re-birth your words and piss poor attitude.


tnlib said...

FYI: The owners of Progressive Eruptions and The Oracular Opinion have been following some cruel and unethical behavior on the blogoshpere on the part of right-wing extremists. You may have one of them in Followers. "fearthedragon" uses a generic picture.

As you will see, these goons aren't just paid whores for the GOP or some right-wing group, they can be dangerous and cause innocent people serious harm.

This is the latest on Progressive Eruptions:

Oracular Opinion is one of the better conservative blogs:

jadedj said...

tnlib---please see my comment over at progressiveerupts.