Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Men In Black

I was sitting in my living room this morning, catching up with some of my favorite blogs. I looked out the front windows and I could seem them walking on the sidewalk...both of them...not the blogs...the men (I suppose I could go back and reconstruct that last sentence to clarify the statement, but hey...ef off).

They both wore black business suits with black ties and carried black business briefcases. Nothing says serious business like black business suits...and ties...and briefcases. There is no question that Levi jackets and cut-offs simply would not quite convey the seriousness of their seriousness business. "Appearance is everything" I once heard a business assholeo acquaintance of mine say. Although in my case I might have handled the entire incident in a different way had at least one of them been dressed in desert garb and sandals. Now that would have told me that this visit was REALLY serious!

Instinctively I knew...KNEW where the suits were headed.

One was about 18, the other in his mid-forties...probably training the young one in the business. Obviously attending to business...and...I...knew...WHAT...business. The BeJesus business...the BeJesus Jehovah Witnesses business. Yes...headed straight for...ME.

Obviously other black business suited JWs did not make a note about the argumentative occupant at this address...not to mention his disdaining snarl when opening the door to unsolicited solicitors...and black suited BeJesus tormentors. I know this, because they continued right up my driveway.

And they banged on my door, despite the doorbell button right in front of them. This was the moment of truth. This was an old refrain for me, I had been here before...many times. Usually, I open the door with the unrestrained snarl mentioned above, bowed up in the most intimidating shape I can muster, and yell, WHAT? And then they start their serious BeJesus business patooey. Something about, have I thought about eternity...and my soul...and all that good shit (shit being my word). And then the game is, I respond with...no, I am Jewish and we eat gentile babies in the basement of the synagogue on Friday nights just before the sabbath on Saturday...in lieu of fish. Are you offering up any babies...this is my week to scrounge up some? Of course, this usually ends the "conversation" and they back the fuck off.

Score one for evil oldish men.

It is immaterial that I am not really Jewish, nor do I eat babies in synagogues or elsewhere. The lie does get the job done that I need done...that is, it gets their asses out of here quickly...and I appear to be someone who COULD do these things. Appearance.

But today, I was in a non-confrontational mood. Not to mention it occurred to me a while back that basically all I have been accomplishing is to expand my blood pressure to the dangerous end and could possibly have a ferking stroke right there in the doorway, with the BeJesus boys praying over me. Score one for BeJesus.

So, I let them bang. I could hear them mumbling with one another (sacred mumbling with BeJesus, no doubt) and then the screen door open. What the ef, are they going to try the door? They didn't. They left a hand-out.

Later, with my BP right there where it needs to be, I opened the door and retrieved the hand-out. It was a folded piece, only half letter size, with a picture of gentile BeJesus and a very Republican looking preacher on the flip side. In the old days, back when I first made up my Jewish persona, they would hand out the Watchtower, which was several pages, full letter size, explaining the whole BeJesus thing.

I suppose the recession has affected even the BeJesus boys...or so it appears.

BTW, we know this is BeJesus because he has on flip-flops.


Yes, I did crumple it up at first, but a mysterious force caused me to straighten it back out and share it with you. I don't know what came over me. You have to admit though, it does look a little like a pizza. I'm thinking eBay.

29 comments:

Punch said...

Kindness is the best way. Might even fool them into thing good of you. I like the new Jesus, in flipflops. Wonder if he knows Jimmy Buffet?

Punch said...

Kindness is the best way. Might even fool them into thing good of you. I like the new Jesus, in flipflops. Wonder if he knows Jimmy Buffet?

Punch said...

Ok, ok, so i clicked twice. Sent the JW's to get it right.

jadedj said...

Punch---I said nothing about kindness.

Jimmy has never been to Mexico.

Punch---I said nothing about kindness.

Jimmy has never been to Mexico.

Punch---Nothing can make it right. You fucked up...OK?

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Have you ever received one of their handwritten letters enclosing a pamphlet? They have letter-writing evenings at the church and get a whole bunch of letters ready to mail. That's how they access apartment buildings where no soliciting is allowed.

Liberality said...

I won't answer the door either. They will send their kids to our door and the adults will stay in the car. What is up with that?

jadedj said...

DSWS---No, but I'd love to get my hands on one of those. I love to take that sort of thing apart point by point on this blog.

You may have noted my disdain for JW. It is coming from a childhood/college friend who went over to these people, and in the process gave all of his possessions to their church and spent the rest of his life pounding the streets dressed in one of those black suits...for Jesus. I was one of the first people he visited. Totally irrational conversation spouting the most ridiculous brain washed crap came from the mouth of a very intelligent guy. True, it was his life and not any of my business...but I noted it well.

jadedj said...

Liberality---I have no idea. In fact, I have no idea why any parent (and I am a parent of two minor girls) would brain wash their children with utter crap. Seriously.

I wrote this post tongue-in-cheek, but I have digressed to my anger with these people. Sorry.

Chimp said...

If a person is religious, a Christian or Jew, shouldn't they feel offended that a total stranger has the balls or uterus to tell you that you picked the wrong religion? With over 1,000 different religions in the world, how dare they claim that they picked the only true religion. It's almot like these demented individuals claim to be smarter than you. I am not religious and still get offended when these Jesus freaks get in my face.

Mr. Charleston said...

Damn. Too bad JJ. By your description I was hoping it was the Blues Brothers. Would have been a hellava lot more fun.

This new bejesus is kind of freaky. Can't put my finger on it. Mel Gibson with a beard?

tnlib said...

You can always open the door stark naked. That's a guarantee that the word will get out about this particular address and they'll never bother you again.

jadedj said...

Chimp---I've been thinking about this and have decided to form a DeJesus church called Gee Over DeJesus Wittinesses. We will be knocking on doors after the last call for alcohol, decked out in debusiness garb of dirty denim sans coats, ties and pants . You are welcome to join us brother. You'll have to bring you own hand outs, however.

Mr. C---You nailed it! Mel Gibson...I knew there was something odd but familiar about the BeJesus. The dude preacher on the other side which I didn't show you, looks like a sober John Boehner.

tnlib---Your method has merit, but these days one never knows when one is being filmed. I am still trying to live down the other nudie videos on YouTube...not to mention the annoying phone calls from strange women

Tom Harper said...

That crumpled up picture, plus your pizza reference, reminded me of that Saturday Night Live skit, the "Find the Pope in the Pizza" contest.

jadedj said...

Tom---I am thinking the Pope in the pizza is piker bucks compared to BeJesus in the pizza...especially if the BeJesus is in stigmata...as in...tomata...much saucier image ;-)

Harlequin said...

one of my buddies here in the beautiful Niagara region used to commute to Toronto on the train. His strategy for when he was accosted on the train ( and he reports being accosted with some regularity ) was to stare knowingly at the two boyos and say: wait! if this isn't going to end with a proposition for sex, then i'm not interested.
they usually left.
quickly.
in case you need another strategy, you know.

PENolan said...

Do they have Seasonal BeJesuses?
It looks like he's wearing light green for Spring.

jadedj said...

Harlequin---With my luck, they'd take me up on it.

Tricia---Yes, these are his Easter duds.

Chimp said...

One idea is to answer the door naked, but as JJ suggests, maybe they'll ring his "ding dong"".

intelliwench said...

My sister tells of the time two JWs came to her house; she weas outside working in the garden, so not answering the door was not an option. However, while the women were talking with my sister, my sister's dog Bobo walked up and peed on the one's leg.

Gotta love that canine intelligence. I don't think they've been Witnessed to since.

Chimp said...

You do know that the peeing was an act of "god". "Dog" bacxkawrds. He/She/It even hates JWs.

jadedj said...

intell---HAR!

Chimp---I don't think he/she/it hates them. I am sure they are a prime source of divine amusement...sort of like, court jesters of old, except the jesters were doing it deliberately.

Nance said...

Spewed my decaf. That crumpled picture of Bejesus is just the best!

I sweated my way through a self-taught Paint.net course just so's I could put Glen Beck's head on Bejesus' body--surrounded by trumpeting angels. This was immediately after his Washington mall tent meeting. Turns out, the original of the image I defaced was from a Mormon prayerbook. Pissed off my one LDS reader (who knew?) and gained me several ex-LDSers. SO worth it.

Crumple on, dude.

Professor Chaos said...

A friend of mine back in Cali used to invite them in and ask pseudo-serious questions until they realized that he was just fucking with them. Like he would ask about their stance on the gay, and they would say "man should not lie with man" or whatever and he would say "oh, so it's OK for women?" Just a thought, I would think that you're clever enough to pull this off.

jadedj said...

Nance---I love that story about BeGlenn. Was he crying?

As to the LDS readership, they have been in the low zeros visitation category here at B of C since it's inception long ago. Most of my readers are of the ex-LSD type...which explains many of the apparent miracles that occur here.

jadedj said...

Professor Chaos---A damned good approach, and worth consideration. It is very similar to my usual question I put to Catholic Priests...their respond however, is somewhat more positive.

Mama Pants said...

Mr J,
You have a special place in hell. LOVE YOU!
Mama

jadedj said...

Mama Pantaloons---You say the nicest things dear. Look at it this way, this will insure that I will not have to share whatever there is on the other side of the ether with BeJesus thumpers.

Ol'Buzzard said...

"Get the fuck out of here," always works for me.

jadedj said...

Ol'B---There IS something to be said for the subtle approach :)