Friday, May 20, 2011

Raptor

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

NO, wait...that is a bird of prey...this post is about birds of pray...and their RAPTURES. Don't get prey and pray fucked up...or God will fuck you up...just sayin'.

All of us have heard by now from the "Reverend"  Harold Whatshisname that the Rapture will occur at 6 p.m., May 21st, 2011 (I refer to him as whatshisname because,

a) I do not want to give him more publicity and,
b) I only remember Harold something and,
c) I refuse to Google this subject to find it out...I have other things to do...like clip my toenails tonight...and...prepare).

Harold has figured this shit out, after having been wrong, oh, say two times? Three times? Doesn't matter, Harold has broken the bible math code and figured it out...6 p.fucking.m., May 21, 2011. Got it?
 For those of you who do not know your ass from being jerked off  into the sky...the Rapture is the beginning of the fucking end times. Jesus will do mano o mano with the devil after his padre, God, beams all the good Christians up into the place with the streets of gold (that's right, JUST the good ones...are ya listening all you tellers of falsities, closet fornicators, and down-right hipOcrits...YOU AIN'T GOING). And then the rest of us will abeing plagued upon, busting out in boils, having our teeth drop out and just generally having a miserable ass time for 5 months (that's Harold's figure, not mine). Personally, I'm sort of looking forward to a little debauchery, gluttony, and general sloveness...not to mention, not having to get up in the morning and getting this grumpy crew off to school and work. HOT DAMN, Y'ALL!



I do have a few questions however...just in case. Please add your own as you see fit:


- Will the raptees be rapted with or without clothes?

- Will household pets be going with the family, or not? And if not, why not? Is there no doggie or kitty heaven any more? My grandmother told me there was. WTF?

- The time...6 p.m. EST? Which would make it the 22d in Borneo, which is over there on the other side of the international date line from moi. And...that makes the event a two day thingy...so much for accurate biblical calculations...Harold Shithead!

On the other hand, will the reckoning occur  time zone by time zone, beginning at the international date line? This would be convenient for all you Twitters out there, don't you think?

Here, let this illustrate the problem with the exact time of 6 p.m. At the moment this is being written, it is 11:22 a.m., May 21st in New Zealand and it is 6:23 p.m., May 20th
where I am.  Take a look at this and how that dateline thing works (it's slightly less than two minutes):



And maybe the most pertinent question here is the one of, what the hell happened to the Mayan thingy about December 21, 2012 being the screeching halt of it all? Huh...huh...huh? What do you have to say to that Harold?

34 comments:

Sue said...

I told my conservative brother to bring his dog over and I'll take care of him, even tho Walt Disney did tell us yrs ago "All Dogs Go To Heaven" in a sweet movie, But really dogs don't have souls so I guess they won't be raptured...

I had lots of questions about the time zone too, JJ. So brother better get his dog here by noon, and with enough food to last 5 months cuz I won't be going outside. I don't want my teeth falling out....

Moko 2.0 said...

This is unacceptable. L.A. Noire just got released so God will have to wait I'm afraid.

jadedj said...

Sue---Our cats do not want to hear this shit about souls...if we go...they told me, they are going...no more discussion about it.

That being said, I need to tell you that in defiance of Harold and his ilk, I ordered a "Made in the USA" mug today...it takes 2 to 3 weeks for delivery!

But...hold on to your teeth, ya never know.

jadedj said...

Moko---Good to see you over here on the last day.

Yes indeed...the word on the street is that the big "G" didn't plan on it being released so soon and has put off the big "R" until he and Pete can check it out and play it a few thousand times. We're cool, I think.

Brett Payne said...

waiting with bated breath ...

Oh, and since I'm in NZ, I'll be able to give you some forewarning, or won't I be allowed by you know who?

jadedj said...

Bret Payne---Holy crap...NZ...oh dude you are so fucked, you only have,uh...4 hours, 45 minutes. Get back to us, though. I may be asleep, but it would make some great wake-up reading with coffee.

Brett Payne said...

I'll get back to you ... or not

jadedj said...

Brett---HAR, HAR, HAR!

TRUTH 101 said...

I think the guy's a kook myself but being a Christian I told my wife to hold off on the car, house and credit card payments till next week.

I may not be able to take it with me but I'll be damned if the bank is either.

Chimp said...

Harold is also an engineer from California, Silicon Valley, so he knows things we would never imagine, like if John started on his surfboard at 2:15 pm and Joe started on his at 2:15 1/2 pm, and the wave is moving at 22,7 miles per hour and there is an East wind at 7 MPH, the rapture will happen at 6 PM, EST (not Daylight Savings Time).

Atheists have volunteered to take care of the raptees' pets for just $14.99 each. They promise not to eat them.

Brett Payne said...

still waiting ... I think I'll just head for bed

intelliwench said...

What about Daylight Savings Time? Do we have to move the Doomsday clock ahead an hour?

I'm not too worried, despite living in Appalachia and the Bible Belt. It's taken so long for this region to catch up with things like indoor plumbing, we're probably not gonna see the Rapture for another 30 years at least.

(PS, Brett, thanks for the updates!)

Chimp said...

BREAKING NEWS: Harold says he will watch the rapture on TV. The Weather Channel claims best coverage.

Chimp said...

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg — who is Jewish and therefore, according to Harold’s prophecy, unlikely to be beamed up to sit alongside Jesus and God in heaven — said on his weekly radio show Friday that he would suspend alternate-side parking in New York if the world ends on Saturday.

jadedj said...

Truth---So, you're thinking most bankers will not be making the trip, eh?

Chimp---Not even pet chickens?

Brett---Whew!

intell---Hell, I thought Bubbaville would have been first on His list.

Chimp---Nah...you lie.

Chimp---I'm thinking NYC is not going to be participating heavily, so this action is most likely moot.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Animals don't go to heaven because they have no souls. Christians are hard people.

Ol'Buzzard said...

i just checked with my cat and she said it's all bullshit.

the Ol'Buzzard

jadedj said...

DSWS---My cats are ready to wup some ass over that one.

Ol'Buzzard---I ran that by my cats, what yours said, and they say meow meow meow in agreement.

Hey, thanks for the follow, by the way.

LeftLeaningLady said...

My dog has a soul and it is much more pure than that of most of the "Christians" I know. If she's not invited on this heavenly flight, I'm not interested in participating either!

It was my understanding that all of this was supposed to occur time zone by time zone at 6pm local time for each.

But I keep checking FoxNews who would certainly have a mike on God during this.. wouldn't they?

Doug said...

6:00PM my time, I'm going to be sitting in the Toucan having my first pint of Steamwhistle. No rapture, rupture, raptor, rap or riptide. Just pilsner goodness, and a bacon cheeseburger.

Good luck all, and see you on the other side, wherever that may be.
Maybe we'll find out where Mrs. Calabash is, then.

Tom Harper said...

My only question is: When all the Good Christians get whisked up to Heaven, can I have their stuff?

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

Im not going if Dexter's not going and he's still trying to figure out if they'll have tuna..so looks like we'll stay.

Brett Payne said...

I'm sorry to have to tell you that all hell broke loose here this normally peaceful Sunday morning. Only a few hours behind "Rapture time" but perhaps they meant on Pluto or something. I know we don't have cats, but then I realised it was just the Twins ... think Arnie and Danny.

Tom - reminds me of a very funny advert on New Zealand TV at the moment. You'll find it on YouTube here, but perhaps better to watch this one first. Anyone got a chainsaw I can borrow?

jadedj said...

All...Update---6 p.m. cst here in the states. Thus far the only rumbling I hear is my stomach wanting to know why the hell I am not out there cooking the celebratory bloody steaks on the grill.

But, first I do want to inform everyone of the fact that I have discovered a basic error in Harold Whatshis' calculation regards the big R. However, that is another post. I can tell you, I know the true date of the Raptureness, through my corrective math applied to the scripture and I will reveal it in that post.

Meanwhile, for those of you who want to support the Church of the Open Door and Upwardness, of which I am the charter Rev, so that we can get the word out and warn all the good folks who deserve to be removed into the Neverland of talking snakes and such, send your USDs c/o the Rev JJ at God's Radio Station, KGJJ in Del Rio, Texass. Small denominations only, please.

jadedj said...

LeftLeaning---The word on the street is that FOX has entered into an agreement with the big G, for his own Doomsday program on Sunday Mornings. It will follow Sarah Palin's, Memory, Facts, You and Politics program.

Doug---I have a feeling that there was never any danger that you would be leaving us. Skoal!

Tom---Only the bibles...and hands off the offerings.

YD G---Everybody knows they ain't going to fuck with Texas and Texas cats.

Brett---Damn...what the hell...why does NZ get all the fun?

I am sold, going out tomorrow and buy myself a Stihl (I need to cut down some of those crosses out there in my front yard).

Harlequin said...

well, it looks like we dodged another apocalyptic bullet. whew. at least here in central canada we remain as intact as we get.

on another note, i suppose i was somewhat non-plussed about the whole thing, threats of the beast walking the earth and the corrupt outpourings of the money lenders and so forth, because it would be business as usual at my workplace. who knew this could be such a comfort!

Chimp said...

"Hey Charlie, you remember I gave you my home, all my savings, my cat and dog, my car ├žause I was going to move on up? Well..."

Chimp said...

"I knew I forgot something. Forgot to give my followers the Kool-Aid!" - Harold Went Camping

jadedj said...

I thought it was only the U.S. that was caught up in this fairy tale. I am glad though to hear that you are still here.

As to the beasts, unfortunately, they are indeed here, Rapture nothwithstanding.

Chimp---Stuff happens.

Chimp said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chimp said...

God just held a press conference and said, "I’ll End the World When I’m Good and Ready, Me Damn It."
He also said when he is good and ready, he will let JJ know.

jadedj said...

Chimp---Actually, I am certain that God is going to let ME know with a sudden massive heart attack, while saying..."fini, Mr. smart ass"...well, this is what my wife tells me, that is.

MeanDonnaJean said...

RYC to Mr. C: "C, got hold of some good shit, huh?"

Yeah, and ya'd THINK he'd pass it along to some of his faithful followers.

Hmmmph!

Greedy lil' rapturee that Mr. C.

jadedj said...

MDJ---Faithful? Follower? Sounds JC.