Monday, July 11, 2011

Help...somebody...won't you pleeeeeze help me?

"I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

Last week I had to replace our network wireless router. We have several things linked to it...printer...Wii...Netflix...and our Dish Network DVR. Before I sat down to install it, I did research in manuals and online so that I could get everything re-oriented with the new router without problems. The only device that simply didn't give me any clue about what to do was Dish Network. So, because I have a hearing problem on the phone with lady types, and the chance of encountering a lady type on a help desk is...well...50/50, I went to their online chat help desk. This is how it went. Not made up...the actual conversation. I only changed the help desk person's name so that Dish doesn't sue the bejesus out of me:

Welcome to DISH Network Chat.

5 minutes later:

Maude (ID:xxx): How may I help you today?
Yep, a lady type. Good move JJ.

Me: I need to replace my wireless router. Is there anything I need to do with my dish set-up? Obviously the wireless address is going to change, but will Dish automatically adjust to that and recognize it? And if not, where do I go on the Dish menu to change the router address?

4 minutes later:

Maude  (ID: xxx): I will be happy to assist you with your request.

Maude  (ID:xxx): For security purposes, would you please verify the last four digits of the Social Security Number on the account?

Me: Hold for a minute please.

Maude  (ID:xxx): Sure.

Me: 0000...that's my wife's...the acct is in her name

Maude  (ID:xxx): Thank you.

5 minutes later:

Maude (ID:xxx): You just need to send the wireless adaptor and the amount will be adjusted to your bill.

Maude  (ID:xxx): JJ (yes, I changed it!), not to worry, the amount will be adjusted to your account.
WTF are you talking about?

Maude  (ID:xxx): Is there anything else I may assist you with?

Me: Maude,  I don't think you understand my question. I am replacing my wireless router, which has nothing to do with Dish except that two of our tvs communicate with the DVR through our wireless router. I just want to know if I need to reset the Dish settings somewhere, or will it automatically recognize the new router.

Maude  (ID:xxx): Thank you for your clarification.

5 minutes later:

Maude  (ID:xxx): I misunderstood it because, if you purchase the adaptor you can return the adaptor with in 30 days so I misunderstood it in that way. However the answer to your question is yes, the receiver will recognize your new adaptor.
Misunderstood? I did not purchase an "adaptor"...I am returning nothing...I am installing a new ROUTER! Are you in the middle of a lobotomization?

Me: It's not an's a WIRELESS ROUTER.

Maude (iD:xxx): Yes, the receiver will recognize your new adaptor. Why do I not have faith in this help desk person? Router = Adaptor.  Question = non sequitur answer.  Help Desk = Idjit (possibly in Inja, fucking a sacred cow...on the help desk...whilst making a video for YouTube...who the fuck knows).

Me: Thank you for your help :)
Hang it up JJ. Move on. Punt when the Dish thing doesn't work on the new router...who gives a flying fart.

Maude  (ID:xxx): You're welcome.

Maude  (ID:xxx): Is there anything else I may assist you with?
Not a thing, Maude. Have a nice day and give my regards to Bollywood. 

In case you are recognized the new ROUTER. I just couldn't ADAPT to her.



Sue said...

I hate Maudes, I hate electronics too. Were you talking to a Maude from Mexico or India? Been there done that... Aaaaaaaahhh!! It's worse than a root canal!!

jadedj said...

Sue---I am just guessing that it was Inja, since I couldn't hear her voice. The phraseology of her sentences gave me that idea.

BTW, I have been over to your place and tried to make comments. It won't let me do it unless I reveal my real name (email). I know you know it, but I'm not anxious to broadcast it online. Que pasa?

Punch said...

My Son, I feel your pain. My approach to this electronic software jazz is to hook it up, put in the disk, hit start, sit back and wait for it crash!!! Then make the call. 7 times out of 10 it works.
Dr Geterdone. Phd.

Doug said...

I'm on my 4th modem/router since 1999. I find them easier to to get working the last few years, especially with XP SP3 or Vista. My first DSL modem required a separate router. I had 4 PCs hooked up to it while using NT4, and it was all done manually, seeing as how NT was a professional OS and highly geeky.
Punch's method should work 11 times out of 12, at least.

Dusty,Hells most vocal Bitch said...

Directv isn't a whole lot better..I am always transferred to a "specialist"..which I think is code for someone with an education above the 8th grade level.

Mr. Charleston said...

It's this same type of crap that caused me to do my AT&T Sucks rant a few posts back. Clearly technology has left the ability of call center personnel in the dust. Fortunately, as was the case with you, 99% of the stuff today is plug-n-play and all you have to do is hook it up and it works. Except, when you don't want it to, as was the case with my new wireless photo printer that I didn't want to be wireless so as to prevent my wife from using up all of my expensive photo ink on all of the stuff she prints. Figuring out how to disable something that's built into the setup configuration can be a royal pain.

jadedj said...

Punch---Ah si senor, the technical approach.

The router loaded fine, the thing that gave me trouble was the damned Wii. You can get to the settings, but it doesn't give you a clue as to what to do. I had to go on line and dig through their website, finally buried deep, I found the procedure.

Doug---This is my third. The modem belongs to Time/Warner. I can't even be sure that wasn't my problem and not the router I replaced, because T/W would sure as hell never admit it. I had to return the first router because that particular brand wasn't compatible with T/W's modem. They never would admit it when I questioned them about it. But there it was, right online...not compatible.

D,H m v B---Directtv was our last satellite provider. We got rid them as soon as possible. We had nothing but problems with it, starting with the bozo they sent to install it. Layed the cables from the dishes (yes, two dishes) ON TOP OF THE GROUND...30 FT! Plus the hole he made in our house for the cables would have held the entire neighborhood of cables...and HE DIDN'T SEAL IT OFF. I didn't notice it for two days. We made them come back and re-do the job.

Mr. C---Wid ya. I had the oppose problem, though. My printer wouldn't pick up the new router, and I couldn't find any reference for reconfiguring it. Finally, I just reinstalled the damned thing.

squatlo said...

About five years ago I started having problems with a Hewlett Packard photo printer. Called customer service ("Your call will be ignored in the order it was received") and spoke to a guy in Sri Lanka. We had a lot of fun trying to communicate, but he suggested I unplug the printer while on the phone with him. I did so, then asked if I should plug it back in. Here's his exact comment, best done in Apu the Shopkeeper's voice from The Simpsons: "No, now we will talk for a few minutes."
We discussed the time difference, weather, his family, mine, then I plugged in my printer. He said I needed a new adaptor plug (who knew that was really a router?) and promised to ship on to my address free of charge. Later that night a tsunami it Sri Lanka and killed a couple hundred thousand people. I never got my new adaptor plug.

jadedj said...

squatlo---I hate HP. Notorious dogs, imo.

Ah man...that story. It makes me feel like the proverbial Ugly American, for bitching about my lousy little problem on the planet.

Let me say this in my wife works in a call center, HERE IN THE STATES, and she did a very nice piece about the other side of the call center coin on her blog. I plan to post it here (she doesn't want me to link to it).

So, my main problem with call center techs has been, language and lack of knowledge of the product, which seems to be more prevalent in overseas call centers. My wife would not have her job very long if she was not thoroughly knowledgeable with her company's products.

Tom Harper said...

"Before I sat down to install it, I did research in manuals and online so that I could get everything re-oriented with the new router without problems."

LOL. Right, that's gonna help? Planning ahead to prepare for any possible obstacles -- Nah. As the technology improves, so do the glitches and mis-communications and crossed signals.


I get so upset when I get some tech from Bombay and I can't understand them...I got so pissed once that I screamed..really screamed into the phone.'FUCK THIS, IF I'M GOING TO TALK TO AN INDIAN, GIVE ONE THAT WEARS FEATHERS.'. judas priest.

Chimp said...

I always dread when I have to speak to representatives from any of our modern technological conveniences. 99% seem to be from Delhi or Calcutta or Sri Lanka.. Half of them, I don't understand. Most of them do what Maude did; they take your question and go away for five minutes and return to give you the answer you didn't ask. Since they are paid so low, maybe they are required to handle three calls at the same time and give all three the answers for the other three? Or they also don't understand our English and just guess at what we're asking, type a keyword on their computer and reply whatever the computer prompts?

intelliwench said...

This is why my family now relies on puppet shows and campfire sing-alongs for entertainment. I use the internet at work or Starbucks. Let them worry about the "help desk."

jadedj said...

Tom---I'm a boy scout kind of guy.

YD G---You can thank the Koch Brothers, et al for that.

Chimp---You may not be too far off on this. It occurred to me that she (I am assuming she WAS a she) was gone so long in between exchanges, because she was getting someone to translate for her...a translator, not a tech. But here's the fucking deal...she(?) gave me something to blog about. They actually emailed me a copy of the conversation...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That's the karma of it.

Intell---I learned several years ago that my children have the ability to lynch me, or murder me in my sleep, if we got rid of their favorite programs...and Mario whatshis. Not to mention, we'd miss out on all the prime reality shows such as, Hoarders, Women who marry Bitch Fuckers in the Big House, BRIDEZILLAS (a major entertainment jewel of a show) and Dumb Fucks with night vision goggles looking for lighthouse ghosts.

Chimp said...

I'm trying to dispel the Obama lie that Social Security checks may not go out on August 3. The Social Security Fund is separate from the US budget, has trillions of doilars in it and billions go in there every American's payday. That the government borrows from it and doesn't repay it is of no consequence. Let them borrow from the Federal Reserve and pay SS back!

jadedj said...

Chimp---I had not heard that one.

Harlequin said...

very funnysad, if you get my meaning.... i wish i could not relate, but boy do i!! aaarrrrgggghhhh !! i had a similar experience with a similarly vacuous fella i will kindly call michael..... amazing. as one of my mentors is fond of saying.... it's a capacity problem.

jadedj said...

Harlequin---I think we all have at least one of these stories. Alas, it has become a permanent part of our culture and isn't going away any time soon.