Friday, December 26, 2008


One has to love the great American Plains, where I live. Last weekend, we had approximately 4 inches of snow and then on Sunday night a nice little sleety, ice thing. I must admit that my head was still stuck in August and I wasn't really ready for it...hell, I hadn't even dug out the snow shovels from the garage.

Monday morning I helped my wife "scrape"
, I use the term scrape loosely, it's more like chisel, the 1/2" of ice, off her car so that she could get to work (she has to be there at 7:30 a.m and it was just getting light when we were doing it). While we were "scraping", I made the remark to her to be careful and not bang the glass so hard, as it was probably brittle from the cold (-5 at the time) (that's right, I'm Mr. Glass is my middle name...I know all about it,'s physical properties, it's ins and's needs). Anyway, we got it done and off she went. While we were "scraping" her car and shoveling the drive, I figured since I was already out there and sweating, I might as well take care of my car...even though I don't have the "get to work" hassle she has, I work out of my home. My plan was, start the car now and in 30 minutes when we are through, the ice will sliiiiiiiiiide right problem.

Away she went...leaving me and our children, who were out of school for the holidays and still asleep, to fend the bastard winter cruelties by ourselves. Being as we have established that I am oh so clever, I went over to sliiiiiiiiiiide the ice off of my car. Mind you, this is after going inside for 15 minutes to have a cup of joe, which added to the 30 minutes we devoted to my wife's car, and that made the warm-up of my car 45 minutes...hell, I could lose 45 pounds in a Swedish Sauna in that amount of time.

I am sure, you who live in the Northern extremes...Minnesota, where the moose roam...Alaska, where the moose are shot from helicopters...New Hampshire where the moose swim in "ponds" and bask in the golden light...I am sure you know...KNOW, frigid people...exactly what happened...or, rather...DID NOT happen. The ice DID NOT sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide right off. In fact, I think the inside heat actually bonded the ice more securely to the windshield. I then got out my newly aquired-at-Target ice scraper and went to work...and
my newly aquired-at-Target ice scraper...promptly broke. No doubt made in China (don't get me brother is married to a Chinese Lady, who actually grew up in China...nice lady, but they make LOUSY ICE SCRAPERS...JANE...that's her name) just saying.

One hour later, after much banging (take note) and "scraping" with a putty knife...the ice layed in heaps at my victorious feet. But alas, and ferking forsookes, "why is there still ice up there in the corner on the driver's side?" I pondered. One probably ought not ponder too much when overexposed to the elements...but I did...and I had to look closer...and yes...all you, I-told-you-so Northern extreme types, who know better than to bang on ice covered windshields in -5 degree weather...yes...YES...I cracked the windshield. FUCK. And you want to know what the worse part is, especially you guys out there? I think you know. I know you know. The worse part is...I HAD to tell my wife...because one cannot, CANNOT, hide a gigantic spiderweb of a windshield crack...even with duct tape...for very long. FUCK!

They LOVE IT when you fuck up, dudes...especially when you have pointed out THEIR inadequacies in the brittle cold glass department.

There's always a moral to the story, if not irony, out here on the Plains: I didn't need the car right away...there was no rush to "scrape" the ice off...and the fact is, we haven't used my car all week.

Today is the day after xmas, Friday...and today...yes today...out here in my neck of the temperature was...62 degrees...and the spider is much, MUCH larger... FUCK!


Trebor said...

Stories like yours make me glad I live in a tropical climate. I only miss the snow on Christmas Day and no more.

jadedj said...

yep, and the bitch of it is, I am a transplanted, reptilian, dye in the wool, Floridian/Californian.

jadedj said...

In exile.

becomingkate said...

Oh that sucks! (I am only smirking a little. Can't help it, sorry)

jadedj said...

becoming---I've done a bit of smirking myself, in the past...the fickle finger of fate wins again.

theredhead said...

Thank goodness bloomingkate laughed b/c I was.

jadedj said...

red---this is why we have duct tape.