Monday, July 27, 2009

Dueling Balls

NOTICE-THIS IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY TONGUE-IN-CHEEK BLOG.

A bit of History. A bit of honor. A bit of bullshit.

The other day I was in a situation in which there were thousands of cars looking for parking spaces at our local "Event" center out here on the plain plains. The "event" was the World's Largest Garage sale. Uh huh.

Of course the thousands of cars had to be fitted into hundreds of parking spaces. There was the option of parking out off the highway on the grassy shoulders, but that required a long walk to the "Event" center. Everyone was trying to get close to the doors...including moi.

There I was on a fine Saturday in 99 degree weather, sitting in a line of cars waiting for a departer to pull out of their space. It is assumed, the lead car is going to get the space. That's how it works in civilized societies...lead car waits for person to pull out...lead car gets space. Did I say civilized? Indeed.

Just as the departer backed away from his space, a car coming from the opposite direction, against traffic, jutted quickly into the space. Welllllllll, the lead car guy is somewhat the opposite of happy, regards THIS shit, as is evidence by his red face, the jumping out of his car, and the exploding of his head. What ensued was not a pretty thing. They weren't at fistacuffs, but headed in that direction.

Since I couldn't get around, and being the thoughty guy that I am, my mind began to wander and wonder. I wondered what Jesus would do in this situation. And I wondered what Albert Einstein would do...and what Aaron Burr would do. Wait, I happen to know the answer to the latter one.

Burr would have thrown down the gauntlet (more on that later, if there is time)...challenging the errant parking violator to a duel...that's what Burr would have done.

Keep in mind, this was the procedure back in civilized days when one had a beef. Throw down...challenge...respond...get a second...blow each other's fucking brains out...with a flintlock pistol, no less. Have you ever seen the size of a flintlock pistol ball? BIG. Here is a QUICK demonstration of a flintlock pistol being fired. The rule of thumb in firing a flintlock is, DO NOT USE TOO MUCH POWDER:



Today, in our more advanced society, we simply deal with rage, sans seconds and get directly to it, fists, guns, machetes, pencils, whatever happens to be handy. Waste 'em.

When I got home, and being the learned person that I am, I Googled Burr-Hamilton road rage. There was nothing regards them and road rage, but there were thousands, if not dozens of articles about their duel.

Hamilton apparently spent years heckling and insulting Burr, who was Vice President at the time, until Burr finally snapped. Upon snapping, Burr did that symbolic gauntlet thing (gauntlets being the heavy-ass metal glove Knights in heavy ass-armor wore...and which they threw down to fellow knights when they wanted to lop the antagonists' freaking heads off, because of some off-handed remark they made about the other's undersized appendage, and or momma. And then, the duel was on...assuming the heavy-ass gauntlet didn't break the opponent's foot, in which case the challenged knight got the challenging knight's horse, wife (with the chastity key) and page...pages being held in high carnal esteem at the time...there being a lot of lonely knights on the battlefields during the Crusades.)



Here is a photo of a pair of German Gauntlets:


Also, here is a picture of Aaron. I don't know about you, but he looks a bit distempered to me. Somewhat like a rabid raccoon...especially that look in the left eye. I wouldn't have wanted to piss him off. Nice over bite though.


And then there are those shoes of his (pictured below).


Hamilton had many opportunities, offered by gurrr Burr's seconds, to get out of the duel, but felt that HIS honor would be besmirched by apologizing...and that his political future would go the way of the Watergate guy...Dick...uh...whathis. So Alex went ahead with it.

Here is a photo of Alexander Graham...no,...Alexander Hamilton. How could one get so worked up about a guy who's on a Ten Dollar bill? I mean a Three Dollar bill maybe...but Ten?

I think he looks like a reasonable dude. Who knows, they were pretty fucked up in the 19Th Century...in a rage, killing one another...robber barons galore...arguing over politics...politicians on the take...no medical insurance for the poor...that sort of thing.

So everyone showed up for the affair, and then went to the duel.


There is a great deal of evidence that Hamilton just didn't have the heart for it, and in fact thought it would be a sin to kill Burr. Consequently when the pacing was done, and they turned, Hamilton fired high, missing Burr. But Burr, not being so high-minded, took the low road...or so the tale goes...and blasted Hamilton's ass. Hamilton was shot through the liver...the ball lodged in his spine, and he died the next day.

There was a great outcry regarding Burr's action. He was charged with murder in New York and New Jersey, but never went to trial. In his defense, there is great speculation as to whether he knew that Hamilton intentionally shot high. It's all on the internet if you are so interested, and certainly there are far more detailed and accurate versions of this story than mine. Although not as arrogantly told.

Oh yes, what was the straw that broke Burr's camel back? Hamilton accused Burr of being an opportunist due to the fact that he was a sitting Vice President and at the same time running for the governorship of New York...not to mention the accusation about the so-called stolen horse space at the capital.

As to the parking fracas at our local "Event" center. It didn't make the papers...till next time.

Next on B of Q...Chastity Belts, and how to unlock them. A public service post.

19 comments:

Mr. Charleston said...

Sounds like a good time was had by all at the event. Two guys got some excitement, their wives got to bitch at them for the rest of the day, a small crowd was entertained and you got a blog out of it. Good show.
Don't really know what to say about Burr and Hamilton except to say that Hamilton was a smart-ass money grubber and Burr an opportunistic politician. Too bad they didn't kill each other. The Darwin Award thing and all that you know.

Punch said...

Hamilton Burr, wasn't he that lawyer on Perry Mason?

JennyMac said...

Chastity belt...classic. And potential insight as to how to get around them? Love it. All eyes peeled for next installment.

jadedj said...

Mr. C---Actually, one of the drivers was a woman. I am almost certain I saw them walking hand-in-hand in the "Event" center later, some where near the Beanie Babies display. Guess they solved their differences.

The Burr/Hamilton thing seems to have opened a can of worms for you. Seriously...it was 205 years ago, or so. Tragic at the time perhaps, but blog fodder now.

Punch---I think you have the names "mixed" up with the kitchen appliance company. Perry Mason was crippled and certainly did not know how to use a flintlock pistol.

JennyMac---Hang on, Doctor J is on the way. In the meantime, if it starts pressing on the bladder, take two asprin and call your local hardware store.

mo.stoneskin said...

I hate those PVs that go the wrong way round to nab a space. Worst of the worst. My father-in-law would have none of it. I,sadly,am a chicken.

Punch said...

JJ...Yes I did get the names mixed up. While cooking toast for supper I read the name on the toaster, turns out is's a beach. As I was musing about my mistaken post on your site I began to smell burnt toast. I quickly opened the toaster oven door and came to a quicker understanding that there is a good reason that sign to 'not open the door if something catches fire inside'. Damn! How is one to know there is a fire until you open the door and supply oxygen, they did not think that all the way though.
By the way, Perry Mason was not crippled and Stella knew how to use the pistol that Paul gave her. Raymond Burr was the actor who played Perry Mason and Ironsides, the guy in the wheelchair, just for the record. Well we are not here to talk about dead tv actors, but deadheads in washington. (actually i meant dickheads)
I say we bring back the duel with blackpower pistols. Have Newt whatsit challenge (humm) well anybody he wants and tickets are sold and the money goes to pay for the war in, well pick a county, or the war on drugs, or the war on crime or the war on poverty, (still losing that one) or the war on decency, or the war on common sense, or the war ahhh well you get the picture. Lets have Bush and Cheney da a tag team match, locked in a big cage, with those Iran guys that were in that election, and who ever survives, gets a tv show on the fox news channels.
Well that's all for now, I was waiting in line for a parking space and had nothing much to do.
BTW, i'll bet dollars to donuts that parking lot was empty by 10 pm that night.
Don't that beat all.

the walking man said...

In Detroit EVERYONE has a handicap sticker, so do I, but while the fools are waiting then fighting for the next handicap spot, I drive around them into the regular parking spot next to the blue line. I ain't so crippled I can't walk an extra six feet. that's what my cane is for...that and dueling with old people in their Hover-rounds

Mr. Charleston said...

Dang Punch, I think you're right. Wasn't Hamilton Burr the district attorney? As to starting a war to pay for a war. Too late. That's already been done.
JJ... The Hamilton Burr thing was blog fodder then.

The Plashing Vole said...

Gore Vidal wrote a novel about Aaron Burr (it's called, er, Burr) and it is, as you'd expect, a revisionist piece which takes Burr's side. Burr was accused of plotting to break up the United States, which may have been true, as he was wary of the US becoming another Empire (oh the irony). The book's well worth reading. It's part of his historical series.

As to road rage - I'm feeling quite smug that I live in a country where public transport is socially acceptable and gets you everywhere at reasonable price - there's no need to learn to drive. Although all of continental Europe does it much better and much cheaper.

jadedj said...

mo---chickenly has it's place, otherwise we would all be dead.

Punch---your comment requires an entire post on my part...maybe two.

Yes, the bitches have been know to blast fire into one's face. But, that is better than spontaneous combustion. I also need to point out that they thought the warning through...in Chinese.

I like talking about dead actors. I do not like talking about dickheads...except to blast them...spontaneously.

How about this duel...Rush with a flintlock...Obama with an AK47? Or, Kim Jong-il vs Donald Trump, both with hair spray...the winner gets a date with Richard Simmons' hairdresser.

wm---I too have one of those lovelies because of my arthritic knees, but often find the regular spaces closer. Still can't figure that one out. Maybe it's just a Nebraska thing...put the handicap spaces farther away...make a man out of the wimps.

Mr. C---As I recall, Hamilton HAD a burr...up his ass.

A war to pay for a war? Why son, all of our wars have been for democracy and freedom ringing. What's wrong with you?

Plashing---I recall that book and in fact, I am relatively certain I read it way back yonder, and what you are saying is vaguely returning to this mushed brain.

Road rage is an American tradition, and a reflection on American manliness...and honor...and balls. You see, we American men highly value our balls, and when they are tested with testosterone, we display them proudly. This is why we have no public transportation system of consequence...we need the autos to prove our ballsyness.

I said we, I meant they.

diane said...

I think all of the stuff in the photos can be found at garage sales. (that is all)

jadedj said...

diane---Western Civilization is a wonderful thing, isn't it. However, I had a bit of a problem with the flintlocks...found them, with powder...but, no balls. Still searching.

otin said...

I wonder what Raymond Burr would have done??? LMAO!! I love that scene in "Fried Green Tomatoes" when the girls take the parking space from the older woman!

jadedj said...

otin---Raymond, aka Ironsided Mason, would have talked 'em to death. They would have run screaming from the lot, begging for mercy.

I need to revisit the Fried Green Tomatoes scene...been a while and this "matured" brain has to redo itself periodically. The good news is I still know my wife's name.

Doug said...

I can park whether or not the spots are full. I just chain my bike to a parking meter, or a tall sign, or a bike rack, if one of those isn't already full...

Hamilton Burger was the DA on Perry Mason, but he never got to win any of the meatier cases.

jadedj said...

Doug---a sane man in an insane world.

Yes, burger...dumb shit always lost. I do remember feeling sorry for him, though. I wonder how he was able to keep his job.

Harlequin said...

I'd say the belt could use teeth.. or fangs.
Joking.
nice romp here... the commentary on the visuals is always so insouciant... I like that!!

jadedj said...

Harlequin---Ouch!

And BTW, thank you for adding an air of intelligence and class here.

For all you dummies who have to go look insouciant up, here:

lighthearted unconcern
Etymology: French, from in- + soucier to trouble, disturb, from Old French, from Latin sollicitare — more at solicit
Date: 1799

There, I'm not going to Google anything else for any of the rest of you.

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