Dueling Balls

NOTICE-THIS IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY TONGUE-IN-CHEEK BLOG.

A bit of History. A bit of honor. A bit of bullshit.

The other day I was in a situation in which there were thousands of cars looking for parking spaces at our local "Event" center out here on the plain plains. The "event" was the World's Largest Garage sale. Uh huh.

Of course the thousands of cars had to be fitted into hundreds of parking spaces. There was the option of parking out off the highway on the grassy shoulders, but that required a long walk to the "Event" center. Everyone was trying to get close to the doors...including moi.

There I was on a fine Saturday in 99 degree weather, sitting in a line of cars waiting for a departer to pull out of their space. It is assumed, the lead car is going to get the space. That's how it works in civilized societies...lead car waits for person to pull out...lead car gets space. Did I say civilized? Indeed.

Just as the departer backed away from his space, a car coming from the opposite direction, against traffic, jutted quickly into the space. Welllllllll, the lead car guy is somewhat the opposite of happy, regards THIS shit, as is evidence by his red face, the jumping out of his car, and the exploding of his head. What ensued was not a pretty thing. They weren't at fistacuffs, but headed in that direction.

Since I couldn't get around, and being the thoughty guy that I am, my mind began to wander and wonder. I wondered what Jesus would do in this situation. And I wondered what Albert Einstein would do...and what Aaron Burr would do. Wait, I happen to know the answer to the latter one.

Burr would have thrown down the gauntlet (more on that later, if there is time)...challenging the errant parking violator to a duel...that's what Burr would have done.

Keep in mind, this was the procedure back in civilized days when one had a beef. Throw down...challenge...respond...get a second...blow each other's fucking brains out...with a flintlock pistol, no less. Have you ever seen the size of a flintlock pistol ball? BIG. Here is a QUICK demonstration of a flintlock pistol being fired. The rule of thumb in firing a flintlock is, DO NOT USE TOO MUCH POWDER:



Today, in our more advanced society, we simply deal with rage, sans seconds and get directly to it, fists, guns, machetes, pencils, whatever happens to be handy. Waste 'em.

When I got home, and being the learned person that I am, I Googled Burr-Hamilton road rage. There was nothing regards them and road rage, but there were thousands, if not dozens of articles about their duel.

Hamilton apparently spent years heckling and insulting Burr, who was Vice President at the time, until Burr finally snapped. Upon snapping, Burr did that symbolic gauntlet thing (gauntlets being the heavy-ass metal glove Knights in heavy ass-armor wore...and which they threw down to fellow knights when they wanted to lop the antagonists' freaking heads off, because of some off-handed remark they made about the other's undersized appendage, and or momma. And then, the duel was on...assuming the heavy-ass gauntlet didn't break the opponent's foot, in which case the challenged knight got the challenging knight's horse, wife (with the chastity key) and page...pages being held in high carnal esteem at the time...there being a lot of lonely knights on the battlefields during the Crusades.)



Here is a photo of a pair of German Gauntlets:


Also, here is a picture of Aaron. I don't know about you, but he looks a bit distempered to me. Somewhat like a rabid raccoon...especially that look in the left eye. I wouldn't have wanted to piss him off. Nice over bite though.


And then there are those shoes of his (pictured below).


Hamilton had many opportunities, offered by gurrr Burr's seconds, to get out of the duel, but felt that HIS honor would be besmirched by apologizing...and that his political future would go the way of the Watergate guy...Dick...uh...whathis. So Alex went ahead with it.

Here is a photo of Alexander Graham...no,...Alexander Hamilton. How could one get so worked up about a guy who's on a Ten Dollar bill? I mean a Three Dollar bill maybe...but Ten?

I think he looks like a reasonable dude. Who knows, they were pretty fucked up in the 19Th Century...in a rage, killing one another...robber barons galore...arguing over politics...politicians on the take...no medical insurance for the poor...that sort of thing.

So everyone showed up for the affair, and then went to the duel.


There is a great deal of evidence that Hamilton just didn't have the heart for it, and in fact thought it would be a sin to kill Burr. Consequently when the pacing was done, and they turned, Hamilton fired high, missing Burr. But Burr, not being so high-minded, took the low road...or so the tale goes...and blasted Hamilton's ass. Hamilton was shot through the liver...the ball lodged in his spine, and he died the next day.

There was a great outcry regarding Burr's action. He was charged with murder in New York and New Jersey, but never went to trial. In his defense, there is great speculation as to whether he knew that Hamilton intentionally shot high. It's all on the internet if you are so interested, and certainly there are far more detailed and accurate versions of this story than mine. Although not as arrogantly told.

Oh yes, what was the straw that broke Burr's camel back? Hamilton accused Burr of being an opportunist due to the fact that he was a sitting Vice President and at the same time running for the governorship of New York...not to mention the accusation about the so-called stolen horse space at the capital.

As to the parking fracas at our local "Event" center. It didn't make the papers...till next time.

Next on B of Q...Chastity Belts, and how to unlock them. A public service post.