Tuesday, October 13, 2009

More Undeservedness

My friend Holte Ender who posts under the banner, Now Listen Here, has gone over the precipice of mental health and awarded me the Best Blog Award. It may also have something to do with alcohol, but I'm not sure.

Holte is one of the good eggs from across the puddle, who landed, and reclaimed his spot here in the land of B.O. Plenty (look it up dudes and dudettes), almost a quarter of a century ago. I'm thinking he's going to stay...and I hope so.

I just wanted to quickly acknowledge this and I'll return later with some names of my own for this award (bet that got you quivering in your booties, eh?).

Meanwhile for your entertainment, here are a few myths I have been meaning to debunk for quite some time. Many of these things were fed to me by my grandmother...Somebody rest her sole (sic). Feel free to add some of your own...from your grandmother, or whomever (I am trying desperately to bring grammar back into my grammar)...and it ain't easy.

I was shooting for 50, but fell asleep. So, here's twenty, my snooze mark:

A watched pot DOES boil...liars!

The Lone Ranger was not alone. However, he was in kemo. Sad, sad, story. Sabe?

Andy Warhol had MORE than 15 minutes of fame...and then he dropped dead. Bastard!

One WILL NOT go blind from whacking the willie. One goes blind from glazing upon graven images...such as...Rush Limplaughter.

A stitch in nine DOES NOT save a damned thing...more liars.

There is no crack of dawn...only the crack of your ass...and the whip...and er jack.

It is quite easy to tell one's ass from a hole in the ground. The hole in the ground is visible. Not to mention, the sun sometimes shines in there. This is an important thing to remember when you are looking for your ass.

Jaybirds are not naked. They live in Kansas...which NEVER undresses.

Jack Shit does not know me.

I know Jack Shit.

Freedom is not free. You have to have a BankAmerica Visa Card...at 23.9% pro-rated, compounded hourly...and sign over your first born sheep. Then you will be free. Ha!

STD has nothing to do with FTD. Just wanted to clear that up. Well, wait...fucking...flowers...hmmm.

If you run across one snake, there will be others close by. Most likely they are all Republicans.

Guns don't kill people. Bullshit.

Sarah Palin is a wonderful, warm human being. Har har har har har har har har har har har har!

Big business will take care of us. No comment.

Storks do not deliver babies...except in Alaska...where they are shot on sight...and eaten(the babies, not the storks)...by old people who are scheduled to become Soylent Green...fattens em up . It's a recently issued government decree.

One cannot get pregnant by sucking tongue...unless one is a female.

Jesus turned water into wine, up there on the Mount Sinus. What actually happened was, his disciples turned wine into pissy water after drinking many liters...of wine, (red, it was a meat night), during the course of celebrating the last supper. The story got totally turned around by Judas Priest.

Jadedj bought every award he was ever awarded. More no comment.


Mr. Charleston said...

I must say, your grandmother was a feisty old bird. Apparently she was the one who told you, you didn't know Jack and couldn't tell your ass from a, well, our elders know best.

Wait a minute! Best Blog? Best Blog?? Top ten maybe, could even give you a top five, but BEST Blog? Methinks your buddy has been hitting more than single malt.

jadedj said...

Mr. C---Did I not mention there were 12 others? Oh, ahem...there were also 12 other best blogs. THIS IS WHY THERE IS A LINK...you would have know this.

So, maybe it should have been the 1/13th Best Blog Award? And btw, I have not yet decided who I am going to award it to...get my drift, arseholeo?

C, why do you hate the English?

Punch said...

I'm tellin' MeanDonnaJean.

jadedj said...

P---you may want to reconsider that, and heed the words I said to Mr. C. Your blog was a bit naked the last time I visited. Needs some decorative elements...such as...hmmmmm.

Doug said...

When Tony Orlando went missing back in the 70s the found him at the crack of Dawn...

jadedj said...

Doug---That was #21 on my list. It is true.

Lou said...

Congrats JJ - most deserved :-)

mo.stoneskin said...

Having just spent half a day looking for my ass and getting nowhere I now regret not visiting sooner.

Mr. Charleston said...

I've been thinking this over for a while now, and I still can't figure out WTF the English have to do with this??

Holte Ender said...

Lies (myths) sometimes are more believable, somebody famous once said: "A lie gets half way round the world before the truth has time to get its pants on." Bit of an exaggeration that quote, something my grandmother told me 10 million times not to do.

Tom Harper said...

So it DOESN'T make you blind? Damn, now I find out.

Congrats on your award.

otin said...

I don't think that you are going to be asked to speak at the RNC anytime soon! LMAO!!!!

The whole gun thing cracks me up! We have a God given right to a manufactured product!

jadedj said...

Lou---thank you.

Mo---possibly you dropped it in that puddle?

Mr. C, oh Mr. C...Mr. C, Mr. C.---have you been to your optometrist lately? The gentleman who awarded this to me, who also happens to be the comment after yours, is originally from Great Britain. He actually lives somewhere down yonder near your sorry ass, not to mention that HE is articulate and insightful and always welcome here. Ahem.

Holte---Yes, this quoted person was speaking pre-internet...and pre-teabaggers.

Strange...my grandmother harped on keeping my pants on also.

Tom---A whole new world opens up for you, eh?

And to you also, sir.

otin---actually it is a little known fact that I did speak to the little boogers, last year. I am still picking out the feathers...and the tar.

God knows what he's doing...or so I'm told...by God.

the walking man said...

I wish I would have gone blind by jacking off but it took a screwdriver rolling into a radiator fan to do my left eye in. At least if it had been jacking off I would have had a wee bit of pleasure and hairy palms.

jadedj said...

wm---oh man. I didn't know about your eye.

Mr. Charleston said...

Oh, I see. So had it been a Dutchman who had over-imbibed and who, in his drunken stupor, mistook this blog for award material, had it been a Dutchman, then I would be branded as hating the Dutch? Methinks you are showing your true colors as a right-wing radical who ascribes to the neo-con principle of attacking the person who raises the question instead of addressing it.
Besides, what's wrong with hairy palms? The person possessing same would be a wiz at a car wash and a much sought after masseur.

Mr. Charleston said...

Oh, Walking Man... WTF? You need to tell this story.

Anonymous said...

Oh my, so much wisdom I never knew I missed! That's some spunky Grandma you've had, JJ. The apple does not fall far from the tree, I see :) (ha! turns out I have some pearls(?) of wisdom of my own, too, fancy that).

Speaking of common (stupid) wisdom, there are those two persistent myths that refuse to die in the US: the trickle-down economics and compassionate conservatism (LMAO, big time). Oh, and the doozy of the self-made man (is it even possible?).

OK, so it's three popular, but ridiculously insane myths, or nuggets of wisdom to add to this list.

jadedj said...

Mr. C---no, I would have said, something is rotten in Denmark.

Anonymous said...

BTW, congratulations, of course!

jadedj said...

Whoops...Elizabeth, some sort of electronic ships in the night thing occurred while I was commenting on Chas' comment. Yours didn't show up.

Those three little goodies border on rabid pap, spewed by mad dogs...wait, mad RICH dogs, methinks.

jadedj said...

Elizabeth...not my night. And thanks for the well wishes.

Mr. Charleston said...

OK, OK. Congratulations on the award. Dammit.

Sunny said...

Oh gosh...what I miss out on when I'm sick !

CONGRATS TO YOU, JJ !!! Well deserved, yessss! :)