Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Peckerwood

NOTICE-THIS IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY TONGUE-IN-CHEEK BLOG.

We are under assault...from the air. We are too far inland to be assaulted from the sea. For sure the people out here on the plain Plains, aren't all that pissed at BP and fellow criminals, methinks. But that is another post.

When I say we, I mean my family and I...not the cornyhuskeys around us.

Here then, is the tale. We have a persistent Red-headed Woodpecker in our midst. A pecking fool. He isn't pecking at our favorite oak, or cottonwood, or even at the old left over wooden clothesline post out in the backyard. Nope, this numb nuts of a bird is pecking at the metal bathroom poopy exhaust gas vent on the roof (an aside: for those of you who do not know, when one poops in one's abode, methane gas accumulates. It has to have an escape route, or...it will blow your ferking house to the proverbial smithereens...eventually. Ergo, the vent. Don't believe me? Climb up on your roof, plug up that metal vent sticking up there, and give it a couple of days...see what happens. OK, I made this shit up, and I maaaaaaay be a bit off with the explosiveness of fart gases...and I may not know what the deuce I talking about...but...I DID get your attention...did I not? So do not take me to task, you two Florida take-his-ass-to-task peckerwoods).

This damned bird keeps coming back and pecking at the top of the vent. I run outside, yell and clap my hands, and the damned thing flys away...to my neighbor's tree about twenty feet away. I can see the little fucker looking at me...waiting for me to go away. Sure enough, I go inside...15 minutes later, metallica ratatatat reverbererates through out the house...especially loud in the loo (being the Anglophiles that we are, we call the crapper in our house, the loo...just for our British friend, mo).

My wife, being much more cerebral than I , not to mention less violent, Googled woodpeckers on your roof, or some such, and found that this behavior is a woodpecker's obsession. When it decides where it wants to make a nest, it doesn't matter if it is made of wood, or steel, or your head...it just does it...pecks, that is. And it will never give up until it pecks a hole large enough for the nest.

Anyway, this wood/metal/head pecker is pissing me off. It doesn't seem to understand that I really, really, really, liked the Woody Woodpecker cartoons as a kid. Woody Woodpecker was cool, he would never have pulled this shit...on a fan.

In my youth, I would have shot his ass...no problemo. But, I am a man who since my 20s has eschewed violence as a solution for pecker problems. So this peckerwood is safe...for now. What he doesn't know is, probably the gaseousness will eventually take care of the problem for me...or, I am going to put out a contract on him, which will absovle me of direct involvement in his demise. My friend Vinny's cousin has a pellet gun, and knows how to use it. Give it up, or ciao, peckerwood. Bella.

58 comments:

Punch said...

Jesus!!! it's a F&^%$(&^%BG Wood PECKER.
wHAT the Hell did you not get on the First Pass.?
Pecker Head?????
Hey, I could be wrong.

Liberality said...

Well I'm just glad we have PLENTY of dead trees around our home and in the woods so that those woodpeckers peck that and not our abode. All the dead trees are from the flood we had two years ago that caused a bunch of mudslides on the hillsides. I ain't never seen mudslides before around here and I sure didn't like it one little bit. Oh well, that's climate change for ya, giving you 20 inches of rain with a snap of the fingers, and there goes the trees, the earth on the hillside, what have you...
:)

mo.stoneskin said...

The thought of you charging about outside like a headless chicken while the little bugger launches into another rendition of metallica ratatatat cracks me up. If you listen closely is it 'Master of Puppets'?

Moko said...

#3 birdshot should do it. There's boundarys, and unnecessary noise crosses it. We have 'Plubbers' here in Aus. Noisey as all shit, and are at the worst possible times.

Footnote: I haven't killed an animal on purpose in years...

The Plashing Vole said...

Surround it with chickenwire?

Or cover the vent in quick-setting cement. Bingo: decorative woodpecker art.

Doug said...

You'd think what with its target being metal 'n' all, his pecker would be sore.

tnlib said...

I think peckers are too hard to get sore. . .

Anyway, if you can get on your roof, I'd get two children's' windmills and attach them to each side of the pipe with just enough head room so the thing can turn. If you're on the plains, you'll probably have to replace them on and off due to the 24/7 winds but it should work.

Chimp said...

1. Wrap a fire-proof pillow around the vent?
2. Invite Dick Cheney for dinner, with his shotgun.
3. Get some oil from the Gulf and coat the vent if BP lets you.
4. Coat Woody with the oil.
I've seen Woody at work and he is pretty wiley. Hey, hire Wiley Coyote, he's good at catching birds...NOT.

jadedj said...

Punch---What I got, Dingle Butt, is WOOD pecker...WOOOOOOOOOOD pecker. What you need to do is go on down there to Walgreens and buy yourself some of them there half ass granny glasses, so you can actually read this good shit. WOOOOOOOOOOD PECKER...see?. You're right...you're wrong.

Liberality---Not to mention, metal pecking peckers.

mo---After listening more intently, I have decided that the pecker wood is of higher quality than the band. I am trying to find an agent for him.

Moko---Now that mo has put me onto the possibility of Heavy Metal fame, I have nixed the hit bird idea.

The Plashing Vole---Good idea, but I think it would clash with the two pink Flamingos up there. Wait, now that I think on it, maybe the Flamingos are what's pissing off the woodpecker.

Doug---Are you speaking from experience? ;-)

tnlib---Great idea, however speaking of the winds...with the run of luck I'm having lately, I'd probably get blown off the roof...thereby allowing Mr. Peckerwood to have his way with my vent.

Chimp---I love it...when you set your mind to it, you can solve any thing.

1. Where can I get one of those pillows. Walmart?

2. My cats have a standing order to attack Dick Cheney if he even sets foot in my city.

3. Great idea...

4. But how about I coat the CEO of BP instead

I'm saving Wiley for the Pit Bull nextdoor. If nothing else, the bull will die laughing.

corticoWhat said...

I have a fiberglass backboard on the driveway basketball goal and your "peckerhead's" cousin goes all Ginger Baker on it every morning. I'm told they are marking their territory. I think he is tapping out a code saying, "lame white boy can't dunk!"

jadedj said...

corticoWhat---Maybe it is time to go mano o mano with this taunting and insulting little red-on-the-head.

Punch said...

Oh.

jadedj said...

Punch---I am going to catch that little fucker, and I am going to send it down to your "one word" sorry ass, UPS bird express, next day, and hope it pecks a flat out hole in your moss covered roof. And then I know you will kill it with stored up wordiness. And then I will sic (sic) that society for the prevention of wordiness against dumb animals (you) on to...you. Then there will be justice and symmetry on the planet. Jus sayin, mo fo.

Punch said...

Ok,

OK
Oh
Kaye,
Kaiser,
do you mean Kyser?
Let’s see now, after Kyser (Kay, that is) came up with an act combining a quiz with music, he was heard on the Mutual Radio in 1938 and then moved to NBC Radio from 1939 to 1949 .The successful show, Kay Kyser’s Kollege of Musical Knowledge, rose in the ratings.
Kyser led the band as “The Ol’ Perfessor,” spouting catch phrases:
“That’s right—you’re wrong,”
“Evenin’ folks, how y’all?” and
“C'mon, chillun! Le's dance!”
Kyser was also known for singing song titles, a device copied by Sammy Kaye and Blue Barron. When the song began, one of the band's lead singers (usually Harry Babbitt) sang the title phrase, and then the first verse or two of the song was performed instrumentally before the lyrics resumed.
But I digress…I believe you were complaining,
bitchin’
whinin’,
meally mouthin’
‘bout one (1) (uno) (eine) (un) word replies.
I am attempting to remedy that situation.
Furthermore, my roof is not moss covered, unlike you bony ass.
I do not kill Wood Peckers with WordINess. Only Peckers looking for wood.
As for you trying to Sick (sic) the society for the Prevention of WordiNess against dumb animals, they could feast far greater while dining in Tallahassee or Washington.
There is Justice and Symmetry on the Planet.
I offer you for an example.

jadedj said...

PunchOh---Your mother was right about you.

Mr. Charleston said...

Christ almighty! One guy who thinks his shit is gonna blow up a building and another with a kaye kyser fetish neither of whom know shit about woodpeckers, or any other kind of pecker for that matter.

The woodpecker IS NOT trying to build a nest. He has found the perfect drum to tell all his buddies that this is his territory. That it's driving you batshit in the bargain is just icing on the cake. Take tinlib's advice and put some sort of whirlygig up there and he will go away. Or wrap a pillow around it. either one will work. For you JJ, I think the pillow is more your style.

jadedj said...

Mr. C---Are you calling my wife a liar? Either that, or you need to share those glasses with that other swamp watered, four-eyed, South Georgia misfit, who skips over words of wisdom contained herein. YOU DO NOT WANT TO TANGLE WITH MRS. JJ!

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

oh man..they are a pain in the ass..pellet gun for sure.

Punch said...

YellowDogG...I'm sure you are talking 'bout the WoodPeckers?

jadedj said...

YDG---You're talking about Charleston and Punch, right?

Punch---Wrong again.

Stephen said...

The Husband said- "What is that odd noise?"
I went to investigate & discovered a squirrel chewing the siding of our house. I tapped on the window & he looked at me with incredulous sneer & continued. Even barking terriers could stop him.

PENolan said...

Okay - I understand this pecker is annoying the living shit out of you (which should help gas the bastard pecking the vent), but I want to know what happened to the dang neighbor and the red car.

Something toxic may have been released into the local environment from the dead bodies over there which has caused the pecker to go nuts and peck metal.

You're going to have to break down and alert the authorities - before you have a nervous break down.

jadedj said...

PE---The car is still in the exact spot of weeks ago. Clothes still in the front and rear seats. Pollen collected all over the car, which gives it a pinkish sheen, and wrecking havoc with my sinuses...not to mention the peckerwood's. No sign of blood, gore, or Tippy.

Eerily silent during the day whilst the original sister is at work at Walmart (did I mention that?). However, no blood curdling screams at night...I think. Well, not before 9:30 p.m., which is my bed time (I stayed up a bit late tonight just to update you).

The crack units of the plain Plains Capital City Poelice, are not interested in speculative Sherlock detective work. They all have new radar guns, and are busy cracking down on old men, such as myself, out on Cornhusker Highway, exceeding the 40 MPH speed limit past the corn silos over near 33rd Street. It's hell being a plain Plains law enforcement officer, as you probably already know. No time for possible bodies stuffed in Ford Escorts...or, peckerwoods for that matter.

I'm going to have to crack this one myself.

Mr. Charleston said...

Pellet gun sounds like a good idea. I'm laying odds you will miss the bird and shoot a hole in your vent, or through your window. The plot thickens.

jadedj said...

Mr. C---No, with my luck, I would shoot my next door neighbor's pit bull...and be charged with criminal animal cruelty.

Punch said...

Crack, you have Crack? and young daughters? and you worry about a WoodPecker. What if they find your stash. The Peckers, WoodHead, and the crack. (by the way there are more than a few jokes there with the crack thing...but i digress)
Crack? Cops? CornHuskers? WalMart? I'm not too sure I every want to step into the state of Nabraska, screw Bruce Springsteen, Boss my ass. OMG I say my ass. All of the Crack cops looked at this site.
I Know Nothing.

Punch said...

See it should have read ...not to sure IF I ever want....
but if I delete it you/one/them will think something really bad was going on..
cool
maybe I'll delete it.
but then the 'not conspiritorlist', that can spell will be anoyed.
one cannot win at this game of tic tac tow (toe)
I'm going to hush now.

Punch said...

OH Buy Thee Weight
Am I over my word limit???
Just wondering

Punch said...

guess not

jadedj said...

Punch---What is this obsessing with crack? You do know, do you not, that crack will cause your teeth to drop out? Has your dentist spoken to you about this? Not to worry about the other physical degenerations caused by it, however. They won't be quite as obvious in your case.

Punch---You do know, do you not, that crack will fuck you up...right? Cause you to digress and all kinds of shit. And then there is the memory loss, which brings on the know nothing syndrome.

Punch---Son, you were over your word limit the day you came out of the womb.

Punch---You do know that sitting around looking at the crack of your ass will cause your teeth to drop out, do you not?

BTW, here on the plain Plains, we have fluoride in the wa wa. Perhaps a visit would be beneficial for you...if it isn't too late, that is.

intelliwench said...

I cannot possibly contribute anything of value in additon to what has already been offered. And anyway, there's a groundhog in my crawlspace that needs dealin' with...

jadedj said...

intell---This is the first time that someone has intimated that there is something of value on this blog.

I am not going to touch the crawlspace line. Nope...not going to. Nah.

intelliwench said...

Thanks for the restraint, J -- I'm sure it's just a matter of time until someone else inquires about the wildlife down under...my house.

Mr. Charleston said...

Well, now I know why Punch has no teeth. And JJ, no, you wouldn't shoot the dog, you would most likely do what you're mother always said would happen to you... YOU WOULD SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT!

PENolan said...

Now I've got a big vision of Punch's ass crack dancing in my head - and I've never seen him in real life, so it's particularly alarming.

intelliwench said...

I take back what I said . . .

jadedj said...

intell---Well, it wasn't really restraint...just couldn't fit the words together cleverly. A glass of merlot in a bit will take care of that.

Mr. C---He seems to be rather quiet regards the tooth thing, don't you think?

Actually, I did shoot my eye with a BB Gun...a Red Ryder model, in fact. OK, not out, a ricochet in the white of my eye. I made the other kids to solemnly swear not to tell any adults.

PE---Holy shit...why did you say that? It's like an insipid song that burns in the brain...now I can't get rid of the thought.

intell---Was it PE's observation that caused that?

jadedj said...

In my comment to Mr. C, make that "...kids solemnly swear..." Out damned to.

Punch said...

dumb ass
should read "MY kids solemnly...blah balh"

How many BB guns are in you house?
What you need is a pellet gun, air driven.
Hell fire, I am here to tell you it will make a possum turn and look. (or so i have been told)
Still won't take 'em down... shoot fire.

Punch said...

The word limit thingie?? still ok?

Punch said...

Oh by the way...this is PENolan's birthday. No kidding.
May it be a happy one, with Velvet gloves and all.
Happy, Joy, and Love.
ps I know you all want the other shoe to fall. there is not other shoe.
Happy Birthday PENolan.

jadedj said...

Punch---Did you lose your teeth simply for the sake of being more directly linked to the flapping of your gums? What the deuce are you talking about.."my" kids? I was a kid. My kids were still in their carnation of two lives ago. I'm thinking of huntin' down you and your possum's ass, and teaching you the real meaning of whup ass.

Does that possum know you are going to start eating it any day now? Doesn't count that you simply eat one limb at a time to fool it. It's still deceitful.

Punch---The womb comment is still in force.

Punch said...

Oh

jadedj said...

PE, how did I miss that, and Punch Crack did? Have a good one PE...39 was my favorite year...really.

Mr. Charleston said...

Don't pay any attention to either one of these scoundrels Pat, they're just horney old men trying to make points with you, especially toothless Punch. Now me on the other hand, I am a bonified southern gentleman and I do indeed wish you a happy and gracious birthday.

PENolan said...

I'd like to find a horny old man who can make a good, solid point - even if he is a peckerwood.

PENolan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jadedj said...

PE---I haven't been ignoring you all day, I had a major computer problem first thing this morning, even before coffee. And after I finally got the damn thing to boot, and read my email, I found that the external drive on which I keep my graphic files, photos, writings, was AWOL. And as is the way, I had not backed any thing up in months. It's taken me all day to get the fucker back, and all those files extracted.

In response...could one say, more pecker than wood? Iknow...cheap shot.

I also want everyone to know...I did not delete the second comment of PE's...I got it in my email, and boy was it a hot hot hot one. But you all will never know. Unless PE gives me permission to re-post it. The other possibility is, cashier's checks, made out to Jadedj. Email me, I'll give you the P.O. Box number.

Punch said...

How much?

jadedj said...

Punch---Have you ever heard the tea in China saying?

intelliwench said...

This pecker thing is getting out of hand, I think.

jadedj said...

intell---No no no...you didn't really say that.

intelliwench said...

I said it, and I meant it! :-P

jadedj said...

intell---I can't get my head around this...as they are wont to say.

Bella said...

just shoot that dang pecker...

Harlequin said...

I enjoyed the most reading and sounding out the word " peckerwood" over and over.
Many thanks!

jadedj said...

Bella---The bird...right? RIGHT?

Harlequin---It does have a certain panache, doesn't it.

longge said...

The perfect Christian Louboutin Sale can show your charm or provide ample space and a perfect slouch. That you need a pair of Christian Louboutin Pumps . I beat her Louboutin shoes, and Christian Louboutin Boots are my admired and I consistently wish to own one pair. If you abrasion Christian Louboutin Sandals , you will be added admirable and confident.

The Coach Outlet logo is also emblazoned on hangtags suspended from the Coach Legacy handles as the finishing touch. The Coach Luggage Tote retails for $198, a rather painful amount even if Coach Madison is a designer purse. Luckily, a few can be found on eBay for a price much easier to swallow.

If you planning to purchase Ed Hardy Clothes and other hardy shirts accessories, just please visit hardy shirts online store for more discounts and save your money immediately! The hardy shirt range of cool and casual readymade clothing products is a combination of artistic fines.