FUCK!
OK, got that out of the way because I am going to try to keep this from being a raging, screaming, mother of all mother rants.
CHAPTER ONE/UNO
Two weeks ago...that is TWO weeks ago, my wife's mother's cell phone went south (why is it that when something goes bad it goes south? Why not, Northeast?).
Why do we care about the defunct phone? Because we pay for her cell phone...it's on our Verizon account, that's why.
My wife calls her square turd $95,000 per annum single professor brother for help in getting her a new phone and he tells us he can't spring for it. It seems his stocks are all tied up at the moment (In case you are wondering, he lives in Arizona and votes...yep...the big R...just sayin'). That was his stocks...not his socks. He didn't mention his panties which are usually all tied up in a wad, as well. I am sure there is a connection of some sort there.
Well the woman is crippled with MS and Addisons Disease and needs a phone. She has no land line, just the cell. Even though we are really not able to absorb this, we have to help her. We'll cut back on our electric bill and double up next month.
With the finances of it figured out, we go to one of my favorite corporations...Verizon and get her a new, basic, unimproved phone, which is ok because we don't want to overload her electronic repertoire any way. There is a $50 rebate which we can apply to the bill, but even at that, we still owe $75. Tough shit, but we do the right thing. Besides, we don't like our children spending the night over there with no phone available.
CHAPTER TWO/ZWEI
Our youngest daughter usually goes to my MIL's on Friday after school and spends the night. We call before we take her over. Today we could not get an answer, which worried me a bit. We drove over anyway. My oldest daughter helped the young one get her toys, clothes and shit to the door. Meanwhile my wife called me to tell me she is on the way home, and oh, by the way, the YMCA which is where we are having the little one's birthday party tomorrow (pool party) has lost our $75 check. LOST....FUCKING LOST? We need to write another check. My ass. I know how that shit goes...we write a new check, the old one shows up...and now the YMCA has $150 of our money and it is a muther to get straightened out. Did I mention that the party is tomorrow??????? With all of her invited friends showing up in bathing suits and anticipating water fun and cake?
I know about this lost check shit because that exact scenario occurred last month with the Lincoln Electric Company. They lost our check. We wrote a new one (and I might add, they implied that we lied about writing the first check...majorly pissed me off). Next day the old one showed up on our bank account...right under the new one...both deducted. Being an average American couple with children, we pretty much go from check to check and a prayer (even though we don't believe in unseen spirits and talking snakes). We can't absorb this sort of fuck up...not for long, at any rate.
As I am talking to my wife about the YMCfuckeruppers, My oldest daughter comes to the car and is ranting something about granma's phone. I tell my wife to hold on. The older daughter tells me, the reason we can't get the MIL on the phone is that....THAT....MUTTTERFUCKING, THAT...MIL had her phone in her pants pocket and decided to hand wash the pants in the sink. That's correct...she did not..............GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...............take the phone out of the pocket. I tell the older daughter to run tell her Gmother to DO NOT...DO NOT...TURN THE PHONE ON!
Yep...too late...too late...too late. See, the problem with a wet phone is, water conducts electricity and well, batteries are...um...electric...and...they short out in the presence of...WATER. H2oh, which tends to fry things like...eggs...bacon...steaks...PHONES.
I am getting ill just relating this to you.
Do not any of you try to call me this weekend. My MIL has MY phone, and I am sure you DO NOT want to talk to her...as do I...not.
Posted by Job, Friday, September the un-thirteenth, 2011
32 comments:
I can give you my nanny phone, but it cost for you to text.
Seriously, though - I have a tracfone with over 300 minutes on it that I don't need...if you can stomach tech support with Lakshmi to get a local NE number, I'll send it to you. E-mail me if you're interested.
(I can also have my Russian Mafia connections talk with your B-I-L.)
yeah get Mom a tracfone, I have one and it works fine. Also my niece told me Medicare pays for seniors cell phones, not sure never checked that one, sounds far fetched especially with the current GOP situation and our debt and all...
well anyway, my 81 yr old mom lives with us, she acts like the phone is hers, pain in the butt
this can only be real life because no story could be this good.
and you tell it well.
good luck with all this.... wow.
I would love to be a fly on the wall and see the expression on your face when she hand washes your phone. Har har har!
Please hold everyone. My wife just had a phone call from my MIL that my brother called. I have to call him back on my daughter's phone. I'll get back to each and every one of you.
I had to replace my phone in February. It came out of the washing machine as clean as my cargo pants, in a pocket of which I had left it, but not as functional as said pants.
Like others, I'd suggest checking out tracphone, especially if your MIL does not use a lot of minutes. It's pretty cheap.
Great story, although too bad for your frayed nerves.
I feel for you, dude. Nothing will drive you crazy in this world like Family. Unless it's thieving employees of big corporations.
Standing by to hear what BIL has to say.
Although maybe he can't say nuthin' on account of Intelli's connections . . .
intell---You are a good person, despite what Punch had to say about you.
I will check out what's involved that number thing. But our main problem is, when we got her the new phone two weeks ago, we had to extend the contract for 2 years...not to mention that we haven't even paid for the phone yet.
Russian Mafia. Da.
Sue---I would be astounded to find that was the case with Medicare. Hell, they don't even recognize the ears and eyes on one's body.
Harlequin---Oh yes it is real and but one story in the saga of jj's outlaws...and written from the heart.
Mr. C---Believe me, it does occur to me. She also has a Chihuahua that chews on everything. That concerns me as well. I can see that phone in it's sharp little teeth right now.
Doug---We all make mistakes, but in this case it is a recurring theme with her.
Skinny---As a last resort most likely that is what we'll do. But then there's the problem of that damned contract we'd still be paying on and it's well over $50 per month.
DSWS---This has both elements...the relative...and the thieving corporation (the fucking two year contracts and heavy penalties for cancellation).
Tricia---BIL can kiss my skinny ol arse...which I have already told his Scrooge ass on many occasions.
Intell's suggestion is sounding more attractive after having slept on it.
You are such a great SIL. Remember, without fail, your wife will turn into her one morning. Bwahahaha!
J,
Mom and Dad will be 86 this fall. No cell phone. Shit, they often don't put the phone they have back in the cradle properly. Dad had us totally lost looking for a cemetary in Kentucky - And, refused to believe the GPS on my Iphone was right - until I showed
him.
Computers and Iphones are just expensive toys to older people.
Find a cellphone withn BIG numbers - there is one designed for seniors- and get that. Next, if
they are getting soft in the head; invest in a GPS braclet.
Works good on kids and pets too...
Sarge
Uh, I hope you won't shoot the messenger, but I just found out that your brother-in-law's portfolio has crashed. He doesn't have a cent to his name and he'll have to move in with you. In fact that's his U-Haul pulling up into your driveway as we speak.
But hey, you've still got your health.
Oh, that sucks. It really does. It r-e-e-ally does! I think I'd be maddest about the selfish brother in law. What a jerk !
corticoWhat---Hahahahaha...but, au contraire, my wife is adopted, and neither she nor our children share the nutsy gene with dear mama outlaw.
Sarge---Maybe one for our pets, but that's all.
Tom---That hoity-toity prick would never deign to live in this homey house. I'm not concerned.
As to my health and yours, I'll drink to that!
Jenny Woolf---Strange you should say that...Jerk is his middle name.
Chapter Uno
Yes indeed, it went north is much better. Yankee land and all.
You pay for your mother in law’s phone. That is the beginning of the road to canonization.
Well at $95K he must be a Republican, they don’t help anybody in need, and it is part of the contract on America.
So you help out a person in need, bet you vote as a democrat. Hey I could be wrong.
I agree don’t leave the kiddies with the grand ones with out a cell phone. I have seen too Meany movies by Steven king.
Chapter zwei
Oldest helped the young one get her shit?? To the door, MIL’s are full of shit? Don’t bring any more, but I digress.
See this is the first bit of good news; your young one's party is at the yMca. Ok Ok they have accounting problems, but the Girls don’t need phones to call home with. Did you not see the video??? By the People??? Come on, come on??!!!!
Lincoln Electric Company! Yeah right sounds like a band from the 70’s no WONDER the check was lost. Ask to speak to Lionel Richie; he’ll get right on it.
Oh by the way, you don’t have to believe in spirits for them to help you. Talking snakes? Well you’re on your own.
A bit of grammar help here, that could read “…talking to my wife about the MYCfuckeruppers,” a better read would say “blah, blah MYCfuckerupperAs, my oldest blah, blah. Just a thought. (more contained)
Yewwwujjjjjjjeeess a MIL without her pants??? That is just wrong. And you daughter there to witness it all??? Yuck….
Here a moment of kindness is in order. I realize you want to help your MIL, but, BUT, to ask your daughter to go back into the house with a MIL washing her pants, well you do the math. I pray for your daughters.
Ok alls well that ends well your MIL has a phone and the girls are protected.
Oh By the way??? Does the MIL like phone sex???
You know just askin’
Love and all like that.
Btw Intelli… I have a high school classmate that speaks fluent Russian, call me. He is Xcia.
JJ...The brother in law called so you had to stop, yeah right!!!
JJ... Intelli????? …come on now, I had not yet even trashed her yet??? you Pig (fill in the blank)
I thought the "going south" thing was obvious.
Punch---Slow night, eh?
Btw, no chance for you with the MIL...she likes em, young and teabagging.
Kulkuri---Good point. But, I'm thinking Midwest would work just as well.
The part that pissed me off the most in your rant was the Rich F*cken Republican Teabagger Single Perfesser not being able to fork-over $75 because his stocks are all tied up???
I could understand this answer if you were asking for $5,000. What the f*uck do stocks have to do with $75.
The asshole probably has a wad of $100-dollar bills in his pocket for petty cash.
Please tell me he's also a devout Christian and probably donated thousands to the teabaggers and a closet gay. That will complete the picture.
It's because of these "I want it all for me" assholes that this country is going to hell!!!!
Happy 9/11 to all!!!
google Assurance phones..if they have them in her area, she might be eligible for it..and it's free..with 250 minutes free $5 for 250 more if you want them..It does nothing but be a phone, no camera etc. just a phone..check it out, before you kill some one, with my help
Chimp---Well, old friend this is going to really piss you off. Der Prof just started a one year sabbatical, with full pay and benefits.
Now, I have been involved with many academic institutions and have nary a thing against sabbaticals, per se. But in this case, it isn't a time to reflect and write and improve man's knowledge of his subject matter. Nooooooo, his idea is that he can drink his way across Europe for a year...just because he can. Sheeeeeit!
YD G---Great suggestion! But, but, the ever loving BUT...I Googled Assurance, and it gave me an eligibility list of states to choose from. Guess what one of the states was that ARE NOT eligible for this damn good idea...yep...Nebraska.
Yessir, guess there's going to be some killin' going on.
Sounds like you need a waterproof phone.
After reading through all the comments all there is to say s "Dude, yer fucked." But if yoou can get Verizon to let you out of your contract blah blah the try Consumers Cellular they buy at%t minutes and resell them and their prices with free phone start at 10 bucks per no contract mine and the old lady's total bill for 700 minutes is 45.
Jerry---I have a waterproof phone, but it appears that I'm not the one who needs it.
walking man---Fucked is my middle name, when it comes to my family-in-law. The good part of this post has been some of the alternative suggestions, including yours; other ways of doing it that I hadn't considered, or know about.
My wife solved this immediate problem by way of a co-worker who just upgraded her Verizon phone, and flat out gave us her old one. Yes, gave...would not take one dime for it. This is the part of America that is reassuring, I think. The help one another part, that is.
oh my frickin gawd...hilarious but I feel your pain, been there...oouldn't help but laugh...I know kick my ass...
I can't even blog right now that's how bad it is...holey fuckin' quacamole...you know that diaper shit green stuff...
dude, all I can see we are all fucked...or wished we were...LOL...maybe THAT would help some of this pain...
Bella---I'm not sure I'm such a good influence, but thanks for the empathy...and the guacamole imagery...which will be embedded forever in my brain :-)
Gotta love the bro-in-law whose money is all "stocked" up, no time for mom and her silly problems.
As for the lost check scam, count me among the victims, too. I've had that happen twice, once with a water department check and once with an apartment down payment check. Both times the "lost" check reappeared and was cashed, and in the case of the apartment deposit it overdrew my checking account, which caused me to be late with a child support payment, which made me look like a dick...
Why does no one ever lose my deposits and double them up?
Hang in there, man. It'll either get better, or it won't. But if you don't hang in there, it only gets worse for everyone else.
squatlo---Oh yeah, the BIL...off to Europa next week for six months. What a bitch that has to be. Brings tears to my...arse, or at the very least, makes it suck wind.
What frosts me is to have the check foul up happen twice in two months. You just can't trust the post office...maybe we should get rid of it.
I'm hanging...the phone issue was solved by a co-worker of my wife's, por nada, and I am thinking the Y will call any day now and admit their mistake by returning the second check. I mean, after all, it is a Christian Organization...hmmmm, wait, er...
Hey man, I know the feeling. I live on a small retirement income in an ever increasing economy - and regardless of my planning something unexpected always seems to come up to break the bank.
I feel for you
the Ol'Buzzard
Ol'Buzzard---Thanks for the empathy. It gets old, doesn't it?
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