Please to instruct these readings

I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

In my house, we like to cook. We have a bathroom scale to attest to that fact. It's a lying piece of shit, but my wife likes to torture herself every morning. I, on the other hand, avoid getting anywhere near the damned thing. However, I can't escape my bi-annual visit to my  RA doctor...she INSISTS on taking my temperature, blood pressure and WEIGHING me. Her thermometer and blood pressure thingy are professional and accurate, but the damned scale is even more of a prevaricator than the one in my bathroom.

But, this post is not about my weight and dubiously calibrated scales. This post is about...my new knife...and the instructions that came with it.

Because we cook a lot, I am persnickety about our kitchen knives. I've wanted a hollow edge Japanese Santoku Knife for some time. When we got our tax rebate a week ago, I ordered one. I got it today. Packed with it was a set of very polite instructions in Japanese with a section in Engrish. I thought I'd share some of the key points of care you with:

- You may find white powder on handle this is coming out of inside wood. It is not sanitary problem so that you can use knife after wipe it up if you worry.  Whew, when I saw that white stuff, I immediately thought of Rick Santorum.

- Before first usage please to wash soft sponge and rinse. I think I'll wash the knife first.

- If you will find chipped point on knife do not use it and please contact the shop you bought the knife.
  No comment.

- Please to use knife with caution to not cut hand or finger. This is to avoid excess blood in the meat.

- Please care blade enough when use knife. I care, I care!

- Please keep knife the place where children not reach it. When children will use knife, guardian has to side with them to care it. Trust me, my children will not get withing 10 feet of this booger.

- Please use DEBA (?) knifed when cut hard material fish bone or crab shell. Besides we are also preparing exclusive frozen knife to cut frozen blade. However, be careful that it doesn't thaw...gets dull when that happens.

- If blade will stop on the way to cut hard vegetable like pumpkin (??????), please draw out knife without move it to crosswise direction and try again. This is one complicated little 'ol knifey!

- Please not use knife on hard material stone or steel. Well, shit, damn and spit! 

- Please not use knife for can opener or tag opener. What the deuce...Jim Bowie knives never had this problem...I mean out there in the Alamo, they only had their Bowie knives to open cans. Of course, these were good 'ol Made in Amurica knives, you know.

- Please do not roast knife. It would cause bad sharpness of blade. OK, I get it, no marshmellows.

- Wash by hard material like scrubber would cause of blemish. Not to mention acne.

- Please not use dish washer or dryer for knife. It would cause rust of blade due to influence of exclusive detergent. Yes and there is also the influence of too damned much exclusive Merlot.

And just to keep the tone going, a nice little video in adieu...er...sayonara: