Friday, February 10, 2012

Please to instruct these readings

I am not a good American...I prefer to form my own opinions" - George Carlin

In my house, we like to cook. We have a bathroom scale to attest to that fact. It's a lying piece of shit, but my wife likes to torture herself every morning. I, on the other hand, avoid getting anywhere near the damned thing. However, I can't escape my bi-annual visit to my  RA doctor...she INSISTS on taking my temperature, blood pressure and WEIGHING me. Her thermometer and blood pressure thingy are professional and accurate, but the damned scale is even more of a prevaricator than the one in my bathroom.

But, this post is not about my weight and dubiously calibrated scales. This post is about...my new knife...and the instructions that came with it.

Because we cook a lot, I am persnickety about our kitchen knives. I've wanted a hollow edge Japanese Santoku Knife for some time. When we got our tax rebate a week ago, I ordered one. I got it today. Packed with it was a set of very polite instructions in Japanese with a section in Engrish. I thought I'd share some of the key points of care you with:

- You may find white powder on handle this is coming out of inside wood. It is not sanitary problem so that you can use knife after wipe it up if you worry.  Whew, when I saw that white stuff, I immediately thought of Rick Santorum.

- Before first usage please to wash soft sponge and rinse. I think I'll wash the knife first.

- If you will find chipped point on knife do not use it and please contact the shop you bought the knife.
  No comment.

- Please to use knife with caution to not cut hand or finger. This is to avoid excess blood in the meat.

- Please care blade enough when use knife. I care, I care!

- Please keep knife the place where children not reach it. When children will use knife, guardian has to side with them to care it. Trust me, my children will not get withing 10 feet of this booger.

- Please use DEBA (?) knifed when cut hard material fish bone or crab shell. Besides we are also preparing exclusive frozen knife to cut frozen blade. However, be careful that it doesn't thaw...gets dull when that happens.

- If blade will stop on the way to cut hard vegetable like pumpkin (??????), please draw out knife without move it to crosswise direction and try again. This is one complicated little 'ol knifey!

- Please not use knife on hard material stone or steel. Well, shit, damn and spit! 

- Please not use knife for can opener or tag opener. What the deuce...Jim Bowie knives never had this problem...I mean out there in the Alamo, they only had their Bowie knives to open cans. Of course, these were good 'ol Made in Amurica knives, you know.

- Please do not roast knife. It would cause bad sharpness of blade. OK, I get it, no marshmellows.

- Wash by hard material like scrubber would cause of blemish. Not to mention acne.

- Please not use dish washer or dryer for knife. It would cause rust of blade due to influence of exclusive detergent. Yes and there is also the influence of too damned much exclusive Merlot.

And just to keep the tone going, a nice little video in adieu...er...sayonara:

20 comments:

intelliwench said...

The Engrish is clear for directing the knife of use. Good ruck and bon appetit!

jadedj said...

intellirench---Once it is rucked...it cannot be unrucked without seepage.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Oh, that video . . . . . it gave me a bad case of diarrhea.

Punch said...

ruck, ruck, ruck.

Murr Brewster said...

Oh, love. Most of these could be life instructions. And I think guardians should always be on the side of children.

the walking man said...

What'd you pay for yours? I got mine for 99cents plus tax and I swear mine had the exact same instructions. Do not use this as it is decorative.

Chimp said...

Man parsons, please to not use knife around sexual organs. If accident happen, tie rope around base of organ and pull tightly. You may please go to hospital or to sausage factory.

jadedj said...

D S W S---Lots of ruck! And please to shut door for bathroom...and others.

Punch---Wait a minute. Please...this blog to be family beside our content only.

Murr---Especially when they are cutting up...vada boom.

And, I like very the philosophy side of which you bring to the block.

t w m---WHAT? I been the robbed!

Chimp---It is noted that you did not mention weenies. Sausage was much more appropriate regards moi. Good call!

Chimp said...

Sorry, JJ. Didn't I say, "Vienna sausage" factory?

Mr. Charleston said...

No cut fish, no cut bone, no cut crab... WTF? You did get robbed.

jadedj said...

Mr. C---Yeah, and even worse...no fucking prairie dogs!

Doug said...

No doubt that knife is made from the very best steel from the very best recycled Chevettes and Pintos.

YELLOWDOG GRANNY said...

I wan one.

jadedj said...

Chimp---Nice try ;-)

Doug---Maybe from my old dog of a Pinto. Irony is a sweet thing.

YD G---Maybe Santa San if you stay off naughty list. Oh...never mind.

Ol'Buzzard said...

All of these instructions could have been replaced with one sentence: Pull head out of ass when using this knife.
the Ol'Buzzard

jadedj said...

Ol'B---HARHAHAHAHAHHHAAARHARHAR! I think there is a translator job waiting for you in the Land of the Rising Sun.

Tom Harper said...

I felt like I was watching Borat again while I was reading those instructions.

jadedj said...

Tom---Yes, Japankhstan for is making wonderful knives for the "Greatest Country in the World," the "US and A".
Good call, dude.

Pearl said...

What?! Sounds like goodly English to me!

Pearl

jadedj said...

Pearl---Aha...you must be Pearl of the Orient, eh?