Monday, April 5, 2010

Haldron Collider...and...my brother.

NOTICE-THIS IS AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY TONGUE-IN-CHEEK BLOG.

A would-be saboteur arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland made the bizarre claim that he was from the future. Eloi Cole, a strangely dressed young man, said that he had travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world.

The LHC successfully collided particles at record force earlier this week, a milestone Mr Cole was attempting to disrupt by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment's vending machines. He also claimed responsibility for the infamous baguette sabotage in November last year.

Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his 'time machine power unit', a device that resembled a kitchen blender.

Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. "Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening."

This isn't the first time time-travel has been blamed for mishaps at the LHC. Last year, the Japanese physicist Masao Ninomiya and Danish string-theory pioneer Holger Bech Nielsen put forward the hypothesis that the Higgs boson was so "abhorrent" that it somehow caused a ripple in time that prevented its own discovery.

Professor Brian Cox, a former CERN physicist and full-time rock'n'roll TV scientist, was sympathetic to Mr Cole. "Bless him, he sounds harmless enough. At least he didn't mention bloody black holes."

Mr Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered.


My brother sent me this today, April 5Th. It appeared on CNET UK. I thought, I need to post this bizarre story on my blog. This could have involved Punch and Mr. Charleston over their weekend at the races in Sarasota...I mean, if there ever were two time travelers, with or without a phone booth, and certainly with knowledge of spaciness, these two qualify. Maybe they know this dude, you know.

Well, I went back to retrieve the story and post it...I looked at the top and what did I see? APRIL 1, 2010! I had been had...by my arse hole of a brother. Yes me, the Jade of jadiness.

He got me.

My mother never liked him. This is a good example of why.

ADDENDUM:
Okay, strange things going on here...I had 5 comments about this post. Bucko added another. I came over to respond to it. Did. Then the comment thingy said...1 comment...mine. Refreshed...then there were...NONE. Collider? Holy shit.

34 comments:

intelliwench said...

Hehehe...I was wondering about the "timeliness" of this as I read through. Then again, the supermarket tabloids print this stuff all the time!

Doug said...

Sounds plausible to me, but I'm no Bill or Ted.

jadedj said...

intell---I KNEW you were a believer.

Doug---We need to talk. My brother's name is either Bill, or Ted. I forget. But, how did you know that? Have you been peeking into our past? Or, are you from...?

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Love the fact that the Hadron collider set records this week. Surprised there is not more protest and end of days coverage :o)

jadedj said...

Bucko---The Rapture took care of the protests, methinks.

jadedj said...

WTF?

Simon said...

It can’t be a coincidence that this happened just when a new series of Doctor Who was being launched.

the walking man said...

So what are you saying? You want Mr C & Punch to bang big your brother?

Mr. Charleston said...

You guys stumble onto something really phenomenal and are too blind to see it. Yes, as a matter of fact, Punch and I do know something about spaciness, a lot more than we let on, but we've been sworn to secrecy. But I will tell you this, it has something to do with the Limestone Grocery and Country Club.

Mr. Charleston said...

Oh, BTW Walking Man, big brother banging is an exclusive hobby of JJ and Bill.

Mr. Charleston said...

All you guys go over to Bella's place and help her with her mystery. http://bellasgottabrandnewblog-2.blogspot.com/

mo.stoneskin said...

I can't imagine anything worse than Kit-Kats everywhere. Just think of all the foil and the effect that would have on the environment. Plus everyone would get very fat. A Kit-Kat did materialise in my ear the other day, wonder if it was related to the Collider.

PENolan said...

I'm betting your brother fucked with the comments. And didn't you have a mysterious case of missing posts a while back?????

Tom Harper said...

I also am from the distant future. I haven't yet visited your space-time coordinate, but in late 2013, I will be assigned to come here and stop President Gingrich from --

oops, I wasn't supposed to mention that.

jadedj said...

Simon---Is that the Who who is on first?

wm----That is a suggestion which I would not present to my brother. While he is a gentle giant, he has a personal limit on civilized behavior. I once had to bail him out of the slammer, for putting three marines in traction for making a disparaging remark about his wife. As I recall, one of them had permanent non-functioning knees, thereafter. The police watch commander said he had never seen anything like it. I had.

While I can't speak to P and C's amour proclivities, I am pretty certain about their mano o mano abilities.

Mr. C---And the time-traveller disguised as a bar maid?

Mr. C---See my comment to walking man. Btw, my brother knows where you are...Punch told him.

Mo.---Let's hope Mr. Cole makes it back/forward and puts an end to the sweet tooth indulgence. As to the Kit-Kat in your ear, I am thinking it was more related to the piece of chicken between your teeth...mixed molecular transference. It happens, mate.

PE---By God...you are incredible. It becomes clear to me now. I also have a couple of missing teeth, not to mention socks! Bastards!

Tom---It's not really that secret. Gingrich is a known Kit-Kat abuser...among other things. I should warn you however, that there is speculation that 2013 may be a year too late...the Rapture, you know. The latter notwithstanding, we have confidence that you and Mr. Cole will save the day...assuming that you will arrive on the correct day. In any case, look me up, as I will NOT be participating in the Rapture.

Punch said...

Oh Kaye, 0f*****gK, I do not bang big brothers, Big sisters is a wholly other thing. Yes Ma'am.
Mr. C is not allowed to be in the area, when that happens, too eager to gossip.
BTW it seems that Mr Chuck has a crush on Bella somethingorother.
back to the rant.
I mean, I Mean I'm sitting here, on the group W bench, thinkin' just how sharp I am and I come over here to see what's up and some time vapor now has me bangin' big brother. I read that book in 64, when it was 16, and I lived through 1984, that was, let's see now, 20 carry the, no add, yeah 26 f*****g Years f*****g YEARS AGO. And Walkin' Man puts me in the middle of a romance, with the bro... Damn, I'll bet he writes in a phat chic.
Limestone yes, that is the material the Catherals of France are built of, and the Vampire Chuck understands all those dark corners and vaulted spaces.
I can vouch for JJ brother, cool dude, until you provoke him. Yo Mr. Chuck, I will personally drive JJ's bro to your crib, if I get to watch, him bangin' you. (ho ho, ha ha, he he)

jadedj said...

Punch---You do know...you do know? It was not I who brought up this Big Bang thingy. You do know that...si? That being said, I need to point out that in the case of Mr. C, it would most likely be, not the Big Bang, but rather...the PeeWee Pop.

Holte Ender said...

At least we know there is a future.

Mr. Charleston said...

Ever notice how people who are guilty of something are aways the ones who proclaim the loudest, and longest, that they are innocent?

jadedj said...

Mr. C---Be careful of the platitudes you toss about...they may come back and bite you in the ass. Just saying.

PENolan said...

The Group W bench explains everything.

Chimp said...

I also had the dreaded ”disappearing and re-appearing comment” syndrome.
Maybe Blogger has a worm hole.

We have one of those British phone booths in my area. I should check it out. It may be full of Mountain Dew and Kit-Kats.

Chimp said...

Maybe Sarah Palin didn't enjoy smoking pot because she didn't try it with Kit-Kat and Mountain Dew???

jadedj said...

Chimp---This phone booth is highly suspect. When was the last time you tried to find one in America?

I never trust a politician who didn't enjoy the weed...or Kit-Kats.

boomer bob said...

A large part of the excitement at CERN—and around the world—was relief that the Large Hadron Collider's previous electrical problems have had no lasting effect on the machine's ability to "perform as expected"

The collider is obviously not as old as I am

jadedj said...

boomer---A likely story.

Har!

Mr. Charleston said...

So, what exactly is too much tweed for your age?

jadedj said...

Mr. C---Weed...not tweed. One cannot have too much weed...at any age.

jadedj said...

PE---As I am wont to do because of my tired and sometimes fog brain, I slipped right by your comment. Please don't think I intentionally did that. Just brain farted, that's all.

That being said, my question: Westinghouse...or Guthrie?

Mr. Charleston said...

Yeah, it's the weed thing.

Bella said...

Its a party over here! damn break out the weed and the Kit-Kats for God's sakes!...hahaha

jadedj said...

Mr. C---And dandelions.

Bella---Hey, long time no see. Weed...low. Kit-kats...gone...with mo.stoneskin...it was a horrible sight to see...aluminum foil everywhere.

PE---btw, I did know what you were talking about (group W). I realized after reading my reply that the reply sounded stupid. Punch was definitely on the group W bench.

Punch said...

Ok, OH Kaye!!!
It is April 12th and this post was put up April 5th.
ok, ok??? now I'm not into watchin' numbers, but (butte) on Occassiionn God says, (giggle) notice that number, yaknow the one about humannity's finest, in this case it was (WAS, past tense)(tense? not me) 104 (one hundred four) members reading this site, (on that date), to which I, (me), among others, contribute. You have done little more then compliment most commentors and kick my patute! (ass for you) And the number that god said notice (today) is now 107 (one hundert 'n seven)! Up three (3) Some guy's have all the luck.
Your loyal pimp.
Punch.

jadedj said...

Punch---Well son, it's all part of the Grandusa Schemata de Daddio. You see, some of us get seated at a table in a fine restaurant and are served immediately. And then, there are those who are seated by the kitchen door and become a permanent non-eating fixture. Karma, dude...karma.